How do you know when your done?

Question

..can anyone tell me how you know your done trying to work out a marriage? When everything seems like a one way street and the other party doesn't try/ accuses you of cheating/ works late and is never around/ or when they are around they'd rather watch tv than be with you and your children/ Your sex life sucks..or is non existant.... I'm begining to feel like I could do this and be happier alone..b/c I'm bascially alone all the time anyways. Should I work harder??..When I'm the only one working at this anyways???

Answer 1

when you are emotionally bankrupt! When all avenues have been exhausted. When you realize that you deserve better!

Answer 2

It takes self evaluation.
Are you doing everything you can to make the marriage work? Are you giving 150% and not expecting more than 75%? Have you tried therapy for yourself - then maybe a marriage counselor? Is he willing to make changes to better the marriage? If both parties are willing to make a change - then there is hope.

Most times you'll find that when someone stops trying and starts accusing the other of cheating it is because they are cheating themself.

I have been through a divorice with children. The marriage was abusive and the children would not benefit if we stayed together. I left and stayed on my own for awhile. I found a second husband, had two more children and have been married for 18 years. This marriage is a lot like yours. I have gone through counselling - all types. I have given 150%; I have even showed him how to make things better according to the therapist -- the bottom line is he will change just long enough to smooth things over; then he falls back into old habits. We are both on our second marriage and realize it would probably be the same with anyone if we got a divorce, or not.

The sad part is mine shows signs of cheating, but no hard core evidence. I stay because of the children and I have no interest in starting over again.

My best advise is to give it your all -- do whatever you think is necessary to make the marriage work, counselling, discussing issues, turning the TV off and telling him we need to talk, ask him to try to come home on time so you both can have some time together. Once you have given it 200% and still feel things won't change - tell him that you have done everything possible to make things work. Now it is his turn - if he doesn't, then you will know the marriage is over.

Best of Luck.

Answer 3

Well - is this guy Garrett's Dad? If so - you're not done until you've tried therapy.

I think that marriage is a FOREVER kind of thing (and that's why I haven't done it). But - if you think divorce is normal and natural and you don't have any kids - and the marriage is bringing you more grief than happiness - then go and get a divorce.

If you have kids - well - now there's more people's lives involved than just yours. YOU made the choice to marry this person and then have a kid. You owe it to the kid to work it out with the other parent. Therapy is usually the first step toward working it out.

Will your husband consider therapy? If not - you might want to try it on your own first - and see what happens.

Even though it seems like this man is making your life miserable - your happiness is determined by YOU. In the end - it might be proven that leaving is the best. But if there is a kid (or kids) in the picture - it's important to seek therapy - and make changes (even if they are just YOUR changes) and try it that way - before you give up.

Answer 4

Unfortunately....you asking such a question, is a self hint that you may be there now, if not, then soon. When I questioned myself with the same exact question in October of 1999 I found my self in separation filing for a divorce 1 year later. When I asked this question to my boss, she replied w/...when you feel you put 125% effort and still get no where, then it may be that time. Marriage is a 2 way street and is consistant w/hard work. If you were to reverse the question and ask me how would you know if you were ready for marriage I would say...if you can accept the other for who they are @ 100%, including their flaws then they're the one, so reversed I guess I could say, when everything you wanna change alot about them, its not worth it. You can't change no one....they may at spur of the moment, temporarily change, but in the long run the original them will pop back into play, considering we only KNOW how to be ourselves. We can LEARN to do and be other things, but this can only be done with SELF MOTIVATION. According to your story, on his end there is no effort.....so what do you have to hang on to????? Did you ever hear you can lead a horse to the water but can't make him drink it??? Sounds like the horse didn't drink it, in your story. I'm not a fan on divorce, although, I have been divorced. If being involved with this person is effecting your emotional, physical, or mental state in a negative manner, I personally recommend a re-evaluation of the situation. Also, you mentioned about children, please keep in mind that they feel and sense what we feel, at times making them feel the same. Tension like this is NOT healthy for yourself or them, and its more stress to stay with someone because of kids, so don't let that be your reasons of staying. If you stay, let it be due to pure love for your spouse with efforts of 100% or more. Sounds like you really need to sit and weigh the pros and cons...important ones ONLY. In the long run, when you sit and think about this with logic and not emtionally it will unfold as intended. You know what you want and what you are looking for, if that is your husband...then go fight for your husband back...other than that....NEVER SETTLE.....you and the kids don't deserve no less than that of which you expect from your spouse. I hope my words have helped in some manner, if anything....look me up. Good luck and God bless!!

Answer 5

I knew I was done when I started thinking abouting it....At this point, it seems like your just waiting for a green light so you can begin to walk.....The truth is the light is green and you need to stop putting thoughts and doubts into something you feel strong about and have been thinking about....You can't expect things to change thats something he needs to do...It sounds like you value your marriage enough to stay and make things work but, where is his efforts?? Sounds to me you don't need him but, want him to be the husband and father that he chose to be when he made a committment to you...He's being selfish and you shouldn't have to compromise your life nor your children's life for him...Your the active parent here and you do deserve so much more.....I truly wish you all the best.....The first step is always the hardest after that it becomes easier to move on***

Answer 6

A marriage or a long term relationship has to be 50/50 at least 90% of the time....I can understand your frustrations. You need to decide how much work you are willing to do to salvage the marriage. Have you spoken to your husband calmly about your concerns? Have you examined what you have done or are doing to make things worse. You need to see both sides of the coin: Your's and his. In addition, I am a strong believer in counselling. Talk to your husband and see if he would be willing to attend a couple sessions with you. If you have truly exhausted all avenues, than calling it quits is better than living in misery.

Answer 7

Basically you know in your heart when you are done. If there is no communication and there are no signs that he wants to work it out, it's over. (been there) oh, by the way, no two people should stay together and be miserable even if you have children. That shows the kids you have to stay together and be miserable and they will learn from that. (have kids).
Relationship is a two way street and when the road is going only one way, it is pretty much over unless you both communicate and work out the issues.

Answer 8

Whenever in a relationship only one partner is willing to work out the problems in the marriage and the other one refuses, sometimes the only thing left for you to do is a wake up call. You tell your spouse, "I am unhappy with our current situation and have tried to get you to work with me so that we both can make our marriage work and countless of times you have refused, so this leaves me no other alternative than to call it quits, I will be at my mom's (or wherever you will be) if you decide you need to speak to me". Then go, without action there will be no change. You point must be that you will no longer be a willing participant to his lack of respect for you and for the marriage. He needs to be forced to face what he has refused to face for so long. I do hope it all works out for you.

Answer 9

Your happiness is what matters....you are the only one working to save your marriage and your better half is acting as if there is no problem. It takes two to tango and make something work, I would talk to him first and and look for his response. If you love him then it is worth it, but if there is no love as there is no sex life then you would be happier or more productive by yourself. And this may be a blessing from God, walking away is never hard, but decisions have to be made. God Bless!

Answer 10

Sounds like your already done, dont try to hide this or be in denial. Your life is too short to be miserable. If you are well and able to care for yourself, leave there is no reason to live your life this way, its too short. Oh and another if a man accuses you of cheating its most likely because he is doing it, and he has a guilty concience. Hun, I honestly think your husband left along time ago.

Answer 11

Only you can answer that....it takes two to make a marriage or relationship work. So working harder may not be the solution. You'll know when you have nothing left to give. You'll be just plum tired. One day it'll just hit you and you'll find yourself answering his questions with, "You know?!? I just don't give a damn, anymore" Or "Whatever" and you will truly not care anymore.