I've not went with another guy nor would I but I have in the past (before we met) and I still think about it, I don't long to do it or anything but I think about it when I masturbate sometimes - should I tell her that I've had experiences in the past with guys?
2007-09-05 02:28:54 · 35 answers · asked by threecraws 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Everyone - I'm not living a lie, I have done things in the past - I've had 3somes, I've been with men, I've stolen stuff when I was a kid, I shop lifted once, I've done many horrid things but does she have a right to know everything from my past? can every one of you judging me say that you've told your partner everything? I think not...
2007-09-05 02:43:28 · update #1
ruth - Decit? who the hell do you think you are? I'm nor deceiving anyone, my past is my business, she's never asked me if I've been with a man and I've never asked her how many partners she's had - A question she doesn't want to answer and I can respect that.
2007-09-05 02:45:29 · update #2
WEll KC - One night I took a friend back to our apartment to wait for me to get raedy for a night out that she wasn't coming on and he had in fact had a one night stand with her in the past and he spilt the beans all over the place and told me in front of my other friends and she was devestated. She told me that our pasts were in the past and she didn't want to know and she wasn't going to tell me everything so I don't think I'm that in the wrong, do you?
2007-09-05 03:02:46 · update #3
I am bi-sexual and married.
First off there is nothing wrong with marrying if you are bi. Being bi does not mean that you are just going to cheat (though some people will say it does).
But you should have told her you were bi when you first started dating.
I would say don't tell her but what if she somehow finds out? That would be worse.
Either choice you make be prepared that you might lose her. Some women have a very hard time accepting a bi man.
2007-09-05 02:41:51 · answer #1 · answered by Spring 5 · 3⤊ 1⤋
Threecraws,
It is not about judging you, but when looking at a situation from the outside, people are more likely to pick on things that the ones involved in the situation won't.
If you are just seeing someone, obviously, that person doesn't need to know everything from your past. But the moment you choose to make your relationship more permanent, then, it's a question of respect, trust and love.
You want to make sure that they want you for who you are.
That they take you as a whole, and that includes who you were. Failing to tell someone something that might have made them change their mind about you, is lying by omission and is as bad as just pure lying. Because, you rob them of being able to make a choice for themselves knowing all the facts.
She didn't ask because, it most probably didn't cross her mind, not because she wouldn't want to know.
But, it's also something you should have made sure of.
How would you feel if some malicious past lover came over to speak to you when you are with your wife and spilt the beans???
Well, she sure would be in for a shock! What a horrible way to discover what you should know about your loved an dearest??
Quite honestly, it's true that you can't change your past and that when someone say I do, well, they accept the whole package, but it's provided they were made aware of it.
So, I think that it is something you should talk about with your wife, and although it will most probably make things very difficult, as it will most certainly develop trust issues in the future and who knows, maybe destroy your marriage. But, you clearly don't have any option.
The sooner, the better.
Good luck.xxx
2007-09-05 02:58:35 · answer #2 · answered by Kc 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is your business but if she wants to know about your past you may have to tell her about it. You should know by now how she will react to your past so use your knowledge to judge how or if you will tell her. The past is not as important as the future or the present. You said you were having thoughts about the past, I don't think you have closure on your past, you also stated you were bi-sexual which means you haven't committed to a monogamous relationship although you have refrained from it to this point you still desire it. Maybe masturbating to fantasies will be sufficient for now but in the future you will want more and then it may be too late to explain to your wife. You have a hard road ahead, hope all works out for you. Remember that you don't want to hurt her in the long run so you may want to clear the air as soon as possible. Good luck.
2007-09-05 02:53:35 · answer #3 · answered by 400lbtwins 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Wow, you really brought a big secret into your marriage. It doesn't sound like you were open or honest with your wife at all, so your entire marriage is kind of a fraud.
Imagining and doing are two different things. The sin is in the action, but if you do act out on it, just look at what happend to the Senator of New Jersey.
Personally, and everyone will get mad at me for saying this, I think people who are bisexual are just into pleasure in any shape or form and this does not constitute a "sexual preference". At least you have controlled your behavior, so 2 stars for that, but you lied to your wife, so negative 5 stars.
You need to tell your wife. She may leave you or it may destroy your marriage, but this is just the reality of the situation. She is going to feel very betrayed and think she does not know you, but it sounds to me like she doesn't.
2007-09-05 02:48:11 · answer #4 · answered by lefttheroom222 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It is not wrong provided, as you said, you would not consider going with another guy in the future. The marriage vows you took promise fidelity. Relations with another man or woman having taken these vows is wrong. However, provided you remain faithful and love your wife then there is no problem. The past is in the past and only relevent if it has implications in the present and or future. Unless your wife is likely to hear from another source I would keep schtum.
2007-09-05 09:35:06 · answer #5 · answered by megane 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i dont really think she has to know, its all in the past...you said yourself you werent longing to be with a man again at this moment in time...but if one day you were, i think that would be the time to tell her.
fantasy during masturbation is just that...imaginitive play to get the senses working...damn i still fantasise about being with another woman and its around 8 years since i have.
i wouldnt worry too much, although i think it is something you should have spoken about before marriage, but seeing as you havent and it was your wife who said that the past should remain in the past there is no need to bring it up now.
2007-09-05 08:09:39 · answer #6 · answered by charli 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
sweetie the important thing is you love your wife, she knows about one occasion and still loves you for who you are, you should tell her if you feel comfortable doing so and if you feel she will except your past. I believe that there should be know secretes in a marriage, and thinking about it when masturbating is natural and a fantasy all this is normal, you love your wife and you have no intention of having an affair so this is all that should matter, I'm sure if you told your wife she would understand and except you for who you are now, not what you did in the past before you were with her.
2007-09-05 04:05:32 · answer #7 · answered by fruitcake 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You do not have to tell everything if you are sure that they may hurt her. You can let her know about your sexual choices (not your experiences) but still it's up to you.
Since loyalty is one of the most important things in a relationship it does not matter if you put a man or a woman between you and her. Just try to make her happy. That will be enough.
2007-09-05 02:51:10 · answer #8 · answered by Ardelia 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I dont see the need for either of you to pour out your past experiences to each other. You met each other after all that happened. If you both love each other then nothing else should matter, I do however think that if in the future should you begin to have feelings for another guy you should tell her and do not do anything behind her back.
2007-09-05 02:51:18 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
The past is the past leave it there. However, your lifestyle itself will cause confusion, frustration, misery and just unhappiness. Reading what you said. You're right no one have the right to judge you because we've all have sinned in God's eyes. We're only redeemed and save through belief in Jesus Christ who can only save us. Believing in Jesus gives us hope, new life and purpose of why and what are lives should be. Allow Jesus Christ in your life to be lord and He will give you direction, peace, contentment, love, grace and much more. God Bless
2007-09-05 04:50:46 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋