Do you think it's necessary to keep some things from your spouse?

Question

Noone has that perfect spouse, my husband doesn't do drugs, is not abusive, doesn't hang out all night he just goes out with me and the boys, 1 & 5, he's a hard worker, does the housework , even more of it than I do, takes care of the boys, diapers, baths etc. I work part-time he works full-time. However, I cannot say say we are the best of friends. In fact we have the worst of fights some time. Our personalities clash., We both have tempers, however mine is worse. Whatever he does I do 10 fold. I tend to be verbally abusive, but only if he does something to really hurt me. He's not so much unless I hit him. Don't get me wrong sometimes we do have happy times my husband gets over things quicker & is very affectionate sometimes overly, but when it gets bad it gets bad. I tend to, use info that I have on him against him,like something from the past, so I make sure that I don't tell him everything so he won't use it against me. Please no mean answers we ARE in counselling.

We know about our faults, and we love our 2 boys so much, the main reason for counselling. We probably won't stay together. I told him I think we should end up apart, we just don't get along all the time. I don't think people change esp after a certain age, both over 30. I
never told my husband because he may use it against me in a fight and that will really hurt me, but I grew up in a family with alot of verbal abuse even physical, my older brother was a bully to me and my sisters.

William......I don't mean sexual I mean things like,
"You're like that because your parents were mean to you and treated you bad." My husbands parents were excessive in disciplining at times, he told me.

stopthemadness....actually because of my profession I am the breadwinner in the family and recently used to work graveyard 84 hours in one week just so I wouldn't have to take the children to daycare. We have no family in the town we live. I used to work 84 hours in one week and have the following week off, my husband hated it and asked me to switch to parttime.

daryne...are a psychopathic moron!!!!!

Amanda I agree with you its true we would probably separate and have a cordial relationship for the children

Forlorn, stopthe madness, and daryne are simpleminded idiots......I bet you all are angry because you can't even get a woman

Rock and Roll abe kudos to you!!!!!. My husband and I are good people but are not perfect but we'll work it out, together or apart especially for the boys.

lettterstoheather....love ya babe!!!....its true, some of us grew up in abusive families, therefore never learned effective ways to communicate with others when angry...its something we have to work on everyday...and I do because my boys are my life......sounds like you a smart unlike people like daryne who's so one tract minded that the 1st thing he thinks of is cheating...What a moron!!! Every woman probably cheated on you because you have a very small d**k!!!

Forlorn.....judging from your picture...what court on this planet would give YOU custody of the children...if you could even get a woman drunk or drugged enough to ever sleep with you to even have a kid.

THANKS TO YOU ALL THAT WERE INTELLIGENT ENOUGH TO GIVE HONEST ANSWERS WITHOUT BEING RUDE OR ABUSIVE. I GUESS SOME PEOPLE NEED ANGER MANAGEMENT MORE THAN I DO. IT TAKES A VERY SICK PERSON LIKE DARYN TO GET SO ANGRY AT SOMEONE'S POST, I ONLY GET THAT ANGRY WHEN SOMEONE I LOVE HURTS ME. SO WHO'S THE ONE THAT BELONGS IN THE KENNEL.

Answer 1

This isn't a mean answer.. so no worries.

Hon, if you are in therapy, YOU need to talk to the therapist ALONE and come clean about your past.... you are struggling with it, i can see that.

I had much the same experiences growing up and can relate. Facing our pain and FEELING it, instead of avoiding it, does help... Your arguing and verbal abuse is probably the direct result of the way you were treated... it's not your fault you were abused, either.

Therapists can help with these issues, if we are honest with them and willing to accept help and change...

apparently, you could use some coping skills and time to come to terms with your past... it takes effort and work to recover and move forward... the pain never entirely leaves, but we can change the way we act and react to others, if we give ourselves the chance and open up to it.

take care of YOU! no one else will... sending hugs your way.

Answer 2

You said you grew up in a verbal abusive household right? Well think about it this way, do you want your kids tog row up in an verbal abusive household too. I know its hard when you get so angry to the point you wanna snap, but instead of that can you maybe go take a shower, or go for a walk or something. I am glad you are in counseling you just need to deal with your anger ina positive way. Good Luck to you, and I'm glad that he is being supportive of you, try and remember that.

Answer 3

Sometimes there are things that you just don't want to discuss with your spouse. Every person has a bit of a skeleton in there closet. Sometimes it is something that is very personal to you and it may have happened such a long time ago and your spouse may have nothing to do with it.
Listen, if it doesn't have anything to do with your spouse, and it isn't going to hurt them or harm them in anyway, then keep it to yourself.
If it was like you married a extreme catholic and your totally atheiest then you might want to point it out to them.
I am glad that you are in counseling with your husband it will help with both of your anger and frustration levels and how to better communicate the anger and frustration without slinging mud. Hopefully you both don't argue in front of the kids. And your counselor probably has already pointed out the reasons why. Good luck to you both.

Answer 4

I am truely amazed that the 2 of you are still together. I don't know how old your children are, but this is affecting them the most. Have you really thought about them throughout this whole thing? You say they are the reason you are going to counseling but that is obviously not working if you are asking questions here. Focus 100% of your attention to your children and don't get them tangled up in this mess that is your life. I know what it is like to be a child in a house where the parents were fighting constantly. Except for the fact that my parents used me after the finally got divorced, them getting divorced was probably better for me than them always fighting.

Answer 5

you adult males first ought to get on the comparable web site...and that would propose beginning on the kitchen table; writing a itemizing of all debt, expenditures, costs, what you have spent on issues interior the final 6 months. THEN going over what expenditures could be paid monthy, the quantities, without including up finance expenditures...be sure the final analysis yet do it jointly! she has to affix the answer and not area of the difficulty. which ability identifying jointly what is going and what remains, and putting this 'on the table' instead of purely discussing generalities without data or figures to it...which leads to arguements, defensiveness, making it own. this is a employer any way you look at existence! while you're Christians, i could propose strongly which you adult males ought to be praying jointly...and no person do what they do no longer hear the Lord telling you to do! he's able! He is going forward and in the previous us and is universal with all....bless you the two!

Answer 6

No, it's not necessary to keep some things from your spouse. It's not necessary to tell him every little detail but if you're purposely keeping something from him, there's a big problem.

Bringing up stuff someone has done in the past during a fight is more of a women's tactic -- men don't usually play that game, so you shouldn't worry about that. You should bring all of this up to your marriage counselor so you can work on building a healthy relationship.

Answer 7

It sounds like with the counselling you both might want to take anger managment classes. It will help both of you out not just in your relationship but in other areas.

And no my I don't keep a lot from my husband nor does he keep a lot from me. But then again we are best friends but this can cause problems too as sometimes he will treat me as "one of the guys" and tells me things better left unsaid. While I don't tell him all the mean things his mother does says to me.

Keep up the councelling and good luck!

Answer 8

Never.

When a spouse keeps information from their partner, they indescretely sabatoge that relationship. It actually builds distrust, and fosters suspicion, anxiety, fear of loss, and ultimately a need for separation to find another source of trust.

All healthy relationships are built on open trust and communication.

Rather than keeping something hidden, there needs to be a learning of open communication. There is usually a broken trust somewhere, and both need to rise to the ocassion and maturely identify and deal with whatever is going on to bring about the need to hide anything.

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Answer 9

I agree with Viridescense. Usually women use secrets as weapons when they fight. Because generally women fight with words. Ofcourse sometimes keeping somethings as secret is useful but if you think that they may hurt "him" later (not you) when they are revealed. Such as family gossips. Most of the men criticize their wives for "present" things not "past" ones.
If you are counselling then it means both of you want to make it work so maybe the solution is "trying harder".

Answer 10

Your life is a MESS !! Think about what is important to you. You have decent guy, 2 children. You should grow up and start setting examples for your children. Believe me , hind sight is 20/20--sometime we don't get "do-overs" in life. He may very well get so sick of the whole thing and just walk away.