Silent dawn ,sultry shine ,living love ghastly crime,
Justify ones actions , I shant see the light
For what I do is my own plight
Upon this vessel we take our flight
To lit upon an oak tree in the dead of the night
I am in love with my own self
And I feel less remorse
To look upon a self mastery a task within a task
To prey upon dark emotions that range within this heart
I am only human ,I burn away in peace
The words of wisdom vanish ,
The lights go out
Waters filling deep
There’s no way out
Sultry dawn have u seen me sigh
Look out at the clear sunshine
I see the time is now the time is ripe to flow
call the mindseye doctor
those words of wisdom vanish
the lights they go out
that waters filling deep
there’s never a way out
2007-09-05 01:04:12 · 10 answers · asked by likeminded 3 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
wow another goodie bring more we love them
2007-09-05 17:49:39 · answer #1 · answered by heads 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
What's your title, "No Way Out"?
Overall good. There is a possibility of an Interesting sentiment, which is not fully developed. Look at it again. Think of what you actually want to say. Eliminate words or phrases that says something other than exactly what YOU want to say. (Don't be afraid if doing this; it is difficult; it may take some time. It's called "editing".) The 2nd stanza is weaker than the rest. You could start there.
Keep in mind: The best poetic expressions draw a straight line from a proposed idea to a conclusion which would have been invisible, unattainable or inaccessible by any means but the poet's vision.
Good work.
2007-09-05 11:02:22 · answer #2 · answered by livemoreamply 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Message of the poem is good...
enough details...
but your pattern is totally wrong!
Your stanzas are not the same number, your first stanza rhymed in the las four lines but the last three stanzas don't...
next, work on your timing...
count the number of syllables you use per line and be sure the next line will have appropriate number of syllables to connect with the first...
but, so far so good, just some corrections
2007-09-05 08:56:25 · answer #3 · answered by *koLaSA* 2 · 2⤊ 2⤋
Losing yourself , losing someone you love the pain remains deep and the cut fresh , breath in and breath out , release the emptyness .There's always a way out for the survivors.
Take care.
2007-09-06 02:03:48 · answer #4 · answered by JadeyOz 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Very good. At first, I doubted "shant", but you made it all work. It is cool.
2007-09-05 09:05:39 · answer #5 · answered by TD Euwaite? 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
that's a touching poem. 2 thumbs up!
2007-09-05 08:59:50 · answer #6 · answered by pinky 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
it has a lot of nice strange phrases in. is it that short? would you like to look at mine (or part of?)
2007-09-05 08:30:52 · answer #7 · answered by kelby_lake 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
that was really awesome
lvl 2!
2007-09-05 08:10:04 · answer #8 · answered by nick671 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
that is one of your better ones = )
2007-09-05 16:33:43 · answer #9 · answered by bookwyrm64744 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Soooo many unrequired words, try it again please, I've seen you do much better.
2007-09-05 08:12:24 · answer #10 · answered by Dondi 7 · 1⤊ 4⤋