Don't Know How To Console My Friend?

Question

A friend of mine used to talk to this guy over the internet, while she had a boyfriend. It was pretty early in the relationship and it was sort of a long distance relationship. She said she loved her boyfriend but she felt lonely at the time, and though she told her boyfriend that she had been talking to the guy she left out the details that she had been sexual over the phone and over the internet. She did it once (I believe her) and cut the guy off cause she didn't want her relationship to be messed up. 8 months into the relationship, she told her boyfriend that she had masturbated over teh phone once to the guy, and that she had shown him her breasts. He is very angry at her, and though he chose to stay with her, he won't let her forget that she hurt him. She is torn up about this, and I have no idea what to say to comfort her. She obviously loves the guy (she missed classes today because she spent it crying and trying to win him back somehow. What are your opinions on this?

this is also her first relationship. He was her first everything.

Peggy S, though I do admitt it was a foolish mistake, she is human, and she is entitled to a few **** ups. You're human too aren't you?

I want to let you guys acknowledge that she hasn't done a thing like that in 8 MONTHS! which is since it happened. I really hate seeing her being dragged though the mud. She's a good person.

she told him about the guy about the same time she cut it off, but she left out the sexual details, and last night she told him, just to be truthful with him.

I should let her read that...thank you Chris :-)

Answer 1

Lucent S is clearly an attractive man, and I'm sure he would be able to find another devoted girl if he tried. The fact that he isn't going to do that is proof that he is full of love for your friend.
It's a complicated situation because it points to *both* people thinking about having someone else, which can be very confusing. But it seems like this only happened in bad circumstances--early stage of the relationship and loneliness on her part, and worries about fidelity on his. It's past the early stages now (relatively speaking), and if your friend feels absolutely confident that her action was a result of separation anxiety (she missed her first love, was uncomfortable in new surroundings, is probably somewhat young and not really familiar with relationships even as an observer), then she should be consoled by her own certainty in herself and her decision to stay with her boyfriend. If Lucent S is comfortable in her fidelity, and can be assured that what caused the incident was not him or her but the situation itself, then he shouldn't hold the problem against her because it will just eat away at him.

The relationship sounds like it's worth more than a stupid mistake, and if both parties recognize that this is what it was, then she should be happy for his allegiance and he should be happy for her honesty.

Answer 2

She made a choice that millions (literally) of other people have made since the blossoming of the internet chat/messaging "culture". The fact is she did cheat on her boyfriend, even if it was more of an emotional "affair" than a physical one. She should expect a certain amount of anger and hurt in her boyfriend, and even mistrust and doubt. She should also expect that he will be vocal about it for a little while. The key phrase there is "a little while".

I don't know how long ago your friend confessed to her boyfriend (was the confession really necessary?), but if he reminds her about the dalliance every time he sees or talks to her for longer than a month or so, then he's not staying with her to work things out. He's simply staying with her to punish her. At that point she needs to get out of the relationship, because it won't ever be healthy for her again.

Answer 3

I'm the girl's boyfriend, and I'd like to clarify a few things. though it may not have sounded like it, I have extremely high standards, and if she wasn't an otherwise amazing girlfriend, I would have left her in an instant. she is far an above the most loving and devoted girl I have ever known. I went through a time when I had very little money and was living in extreme poverty, barely able to buy food. She goes to school full time, but got an extra job and gave me all the money, just to help me through. she cooks for me and does my laundry and never complains. She's the kind of woman who could someday make a great wife.

I'm furious at what she did, and it hurts deeply, but instead of ending an otherwise great relationship, I've decided to let go. It's going to take some time to heal the wound, but it's a calculated sacrifice I'm willing to make. I'm perfectly willing to walk away if she does anything like this again, but as it stands, I'll give her a chance.

Answer 4

He will probably never trust her again. I certainly hope that she has learned to have some self respect from this incident. She should be more careful with how she acts and treats her boyfriend. If he doesn't forgive her, then there is nothing that she can do but suffer the consequences for a very foolish mistake.

Answer 5

Well first, he doesn't truly forgive her. When you REALLY forgive someone, you don't throw it in their faces every chance you get. I know first loves and first EVERYTHINGS are really hard to deal with. Her little heart is hurting and all you can do as a friend is be there for her. Nothing you say will make her feel better... At least not fully. She wants him to be the one to make her feel good.

Answer 6

Sounds like she made her bed! She has to fix her own messes.

Very foolish indeed. How old is she? Does she not know how dangerous it is to "expose" herself in this dangerous world of predators? I hope she DOES learn her lesson.