do you think he means it this time?

Question

ok so my husband and i were having a recurring issue (not cheating) that we've argued about. he does something that really hurts and disrespects me as a woman and as his wife, i asked him to stop. three times after this, it continued. each time i freaked out and got upset. he apologized, we moved on with our lives. about a month later, it happened again and i had said the last time that if it happened again, i would seriously consider leaving because it was unfair to me. i told him i would NEVER do something repeatedly knowing it would hurt him - thats not love. anyways - he did it again and when i finally talked to him about it and repeated how i felt he seemed really genuine. he felt like he didnt deserve me anymore and that hes now realized that hes been as a**hole and hurt me when ive never done anything to him. he cried and seemed really upset and really scared i was going to leave him. do you think he got the point this time? i dont think it will, but what should i do if it(cont)

happens again? he is the love of my life and i dont want to ever leave him, we have a 4 month old baby together and i grew up part of my life without a dad (my father passed away when i was 8) and thats my worst nightmare for our son - i want there to be a family unit. but now that ive said thats what i'll do, i suppose i need to stick to that or he'll think im bluffing and dont really mean what i say? i dont think it will be an issue EVER again based on his last response, but i need tips in case it does. what would you do if your husband did something you disagreed with over and over and knew it was something that hurt you and made you feel bad, yet continued to do it? its really a hard question to answer.... like i said, its not cheating - i wouldnt stay with someone who cheated but if you can make sense of all this without ACTUALLY knowing exactly what happened (i dont really want to get into the personal details), please let me know your opinion

Answer 1

Hun, I understand about not giving personal details.. and I get that it's not cheating... but it would help us give you better information if we knew what the real issue is... for example, if he is abusing you, belittling you, you know, something that all of us would understand.. or is it that he didn't cook supper again? You see, it makes a difference... though, I would have to say, if you are reasonable in what you don't want him to do and it effects you the way it seems to, and he loves you... he would do everything in his power to correct the problem.

However, if he is an addict and it involves alcohol or drugs/ etc.. it may be beyond his control alone and may need counseling / therapy to help him change, if he truly wants to...

I will say this much, the cycle of violence sounds similar to what you describe - there is a build up of pressure, a release (verbal or physical), then a honeymoon phase where he is so sorry and would never do it again and loves you so good.. everything is right as rain, then back into the buildup phase and around and around...

Best of luck... when I was there, I would stare at my baby every night wondering if our marriage was better for her than divorce... I did everything in my power to fix it.. but when I knew without a doubt that our marriage was hurting her far worse than our divorce could.. I left and divorced him.. but, hun, divorce is really, really hard. It should be the last resort and not the first.

Answer 2

It's really hard to answer this when I don't know what he's doing that's so horrible. I understand that whatever it is, it hurts you and you feel disrespected, and yes, I agree that he should never intentionally do something he knows will hurt you and make you feel badly. BUT....I don't know if you're making a mountain out of a molehill about something--say he's leaving his dirty socks on the bathroom floor. My husband won't pick up the newspapers he reads. It drives me nuts--but after almost 20 years of marriage, I've learned there are times when I force an issue, and there are definitely times that I just give up, and hold my tongue when he does something he knows bugs me. Only you can know if this issue, whatever it is, is worth ending your marriage over. If it is, then I hope you can live with the decision.

It also may help you to make a list of the good things he does for you, and compare it to those things he does which hurt you. We're always going to hurt those we love, and usually the ones we love the most, we hurt the most. When my hubby does something he knows drives me buggy--he'll apologize, but then I'll realize he has many more good qualities, which make getting upset over this one issue really pointless.

I can also tell you, that threatening to leave him is emotional blackmail--if you're not prepared to follow through with the threat, he may call your bluff one day--and force the issue. You want to be careful about making threats, especially to your husband.

If the issue is big enough, marriage counseling could help as well. Good luck to you both.

Answer 3

you love this man. You've asked him 3 times not to whatever it is he's done, and yet he's still doing it, and now he says he's sorry. I hope your problem is just a normal married spat about an important subject to you. I am hoping that it isn't something like domestic violence, mental abuse, drugs, drinking. If it is a married spat about an important subject, I am so there with you, same type of problem, my hubby likes to make mountains out of mole hills and I hate the drama. I told him how it is wearing me out, I can't live this way, he's making me nuts when he's at home. He apologized and said he'd change his attitude. Guess what, he did it again, got everyone all freaked out, he's bickering just to do it. This time I just looked at him I didn't freak out I didn't say anything, he could see the disappointment on my face. I'm still waiting for an apology, I'll get it sooner or later. I just wish the behavior would cease. Maybe now that your husband gets that you are completely serious, it will stop. Guys are like kids you have to keep telling them stuff over and over and over before they realize. Tell him it would break your heart to have to stick by your word, that it is up to him. And just in case he does it again, don't be suprised if he tries to blame you for putting a restriction on him in the first place. Just look him dead in the eye and tell him that it is a load of b*llshit and he knows it then calmly walk away. Let him think for awhile, he'll figure out his family is more important than this issue.

Answer 4

I don't know what the issue is but I think he tells you what you want to hear and is regretful for his actions but I believe he'll do it again. You've already asked him to stop it more than 3 times and he still continues to do it. Whatever it is he is doing it's more important than you are to him. You've already given him an ultimatum now you have to do it.....leave him. It's sound like porn is the issue and some people have a real addiction to that and actually that is a form of cheating. From any event or person is taking energy away from the primary relationship it is cheating. Get counseling if you are both truly committed to the relationship and you go by yourself even if he won't go. It'll give you clarity on what your next step should be.

Answer 5

It's very hard to say, since you give no details other than you feel disrespected and hurt over what ever he is doing.

You could try a different tactic and that would be to totally ignore him when he behaves this way. Instead of freaking out, give no reaction and no attention. Walk away, find something else to do. Don't look at him, don't talk to him totally shine him on.

Only acknowledge him when he is being nice and respectful.
This is a tactic I learned in a parenting class, that's works very well on adults.

Answer 6

This is classic wife beating syndrome talk. He hurts you and you forgive him after he cries and swears to you he'll never do it again. He's nice to you for a few days or weeks then something sets him off again...and it starts again. I might be wrong but I know couple that went through this for a long time...thank God she took the kids one day and disappeared. She married again and happy and alive....Don't take any crap. The vows say nothing about being miserable for the next 30 years..at least mine didn't...good luck I hope I'm wrong..

Answer 7

How are we supposed to advise if you wont be totally honest about what he did?.Seriously.

Did he hit you ? yes he'll do it again.

Did he force you to have sex with him?, yes he'll do it again unless you just give it to him but as you claim he is the love of your life I am guessing then this isnt the issue but it's only a guess.

Did he do you anally ? , then honey go buy him a toy he can pretend is your butt.

See in order for us to really give you sound advice you need to tell us , I think he did 1 of the above and you know if we know we'll tell you to leave because your just fooling yourself in believing he's sorry.In which case , your a fool for staying.

But again we DONT know the full details now do we.

Answer 8

It all depends on what he did.

If he grew up with this as the 'norm' it might not be as simple as "change or else" It might take him getting help to change the problem.

But without furthur detail, it's hard to say.

So, I'd tell him he has to get help and start right away (as soon as he can get in) then take it from there. If he quits before he's been OK'd to leave, leave him on a trial seperation basis.

Answer 9

i know how you feel it's hard to leave someone your in love with i'm kind-of in the same thing my boyfriend is the same way and i don't want to leave him but at the same time we don't want to be hurt. but you can only take so much. if he is showing you that he really cares how you feel this time then i would say give him another chance but not just for the baby but for you never stay with somebody because of the kids.

Answer 10

If he does it again, tell him that you will not stay with him unless you get marriage counseling. I don't know what the issue is, but you definitely needs a mediator to show each of you how the other feels.