Emotionally abusive boyfriend and I ca'nt get out..HELP.?

Question

HELP! I don't know what to do about my boyfriend. He never listens to me when I have problem. He just turns it around and makes whatever problem I have into his problem and makes the BIGGEST deals out of nothing. It's gotten to the point where he'll yell at me and just put me down for hours at a time with none stop phone calls. Then after, he'll act like none of it happened and he goes back to not being mad. But if I start to cry or talk about how hurt I am by the things that he says to me (i.e. calls me very bad names, says vulgar things about me, says horrible things about my family), he won't listen to them and instanly gets upset. I don't understand how he can be an amazing boyfriend one second, and the next a complete and totally emotionally abusive prick. andfor some reason I can't make myself break up with him and it's just so hard that I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm downing with no way out. HELP ANYONE>

Answer 1

What is Verbal and Emotional Abuse?

Although verbal and emotional abuse do not leave black eyes or visible bruises, they are often more seriously damaging to your self-image. Verbal and emotional abuse is cruel and scars your soul.

Many people never discuss these forms of abuse. In fact some do not even recognize that they are being abused.

Often a verbal or emotional abuser is quite sensitive to people outside the home finding out about the abuse and is very careful to save these scenes for the home environment only. Many verbal and emotional abusers are very friendly and well liked in public. They treat their victim with such respect that people often think things are going really well for them. They save their cruelty for a private audience of one.

The Effects
One of the most devastating effects of living with a verbal or emotional abuser is the change in self-esteem. As victims begin to internalise the criticism and believe it is valid, their self-image sinks lower and lower. They start feeling worthless, incompetent, unlovable. After all, when someone who knows them so well thinks they are so worthless and unlovable, then they believe it must be true.

The old saying about sticks and stones keeps many victims in their situation until the verbal or emotional abuse has completely destroyed their self-esteem, which then or course makes leaving the situation even harder. They even start thinking that if this person loves them, they should hold on to them.

The fact that verbal and emotional abusers are often very charming people adds to the confusion. The abuser can turn on the charm with the victim, making them doubt their own instincts and judgement.

If the victim does challenge the abuser, the abuser might turn on the charm and even make the victim doubt themself. This lowers self-confidence even further.

Seven Important Things to Know About Mental Abuse
1.Sticks and stones won’t break my bones” – and words won’t leave any measurable physical damage, but they will cause progressive, long-term harm. Never underestimate the power of words: words are used to brainwash.

Being told you are “stupid”, “ugly”, “lazy” or “worthless” is never acceptable. The first times you hear it, it will hurt, naturally. In time you “may get used to” hearing it. That’s when you start to internalise and believe it. When that happens you are doing the other person’s work of putting you down for them. This is why your feelings of self-worth suffer increasingly over time.

The good news is that just as words have been used to bring you down, you can learn to harness the power of words to build you up and restore your confidence and belief in yourself.

2. You are always told that it’s your fault.

Somehow, whatever happens, however it starts, the ultimate blame is always yours. Notice that we are talking ultimate blame here. The abuser will always tell you that their behaviour was caused by what you said or did. In fact, their argument runs along the lines that you can’t possibly blame them for anything, because if you hadn’t said what you said, or done what you did it would never have happened.

3. You’re more inclined to believe your abuser than you are to believe yourself.

Have you ever reeled with a sense of hurt and injustice, or seethed with anger at the way you’ve been treated? Have you found yourself asking: “Is it reasonable to feel like this?” “Am I misinterpreting things?” “Have I got it wrong?”

If this is you, what it means is that you have become so brainwashed you’ve stopped trusting in your own judgement. Your mind keeps throwing up the observations and questions because, deep down, you know that what is happening is utterly wrong. But right now you can’t feel the strength of your own convictions.

4. You need your partner (or whoever is mentaly abusing you) to acknowledge your feelings.

Have you ever felt desperate to make your partner hear what you are saying and apologise for the hurtful things they’ve said? Have you ever felt that only they can heal the pain they’ve caused?

Does your need for them to validate your feelings keep you hooked into the relationship?

When a partner constantly denies or refuses to listen to your feelings, that is, unquestionably, mental abuse.

5. Your partner blows hot and cold.

He can be very loving but is often highly critical of you. He may tell you how much he loves you, yet he is short on care or consideration towards you. In fact, some of the time, maybe even a lot of the time, he treats you as if you were someone he truly dislikes.

You do everything you can to make him happy, but it’s never good enough. You’re more like the pet dog in the relationship than you are the equal partner. Your constant efforts to get his attention and please him meet with limited success. Sometimes he’ll be charmed, often he’s dismissive.

If you find yourself puzzling about how your partner can treat you that way, it is because you are trying to live in a love-based relationship, when in reality you are living in a control-based relationship. The mental abuser struggles with his own feelings of worthlessness and uses his relationship to create a feeling of personal power, at his partner’s expense.

6. You feel as if you are constantly walking on eggshells.

There is a real degree of fear in the relationship. You have come to dread his outbursts, the hurtful things that he will find to say to you. (Maybe the same anxiety and need to please spill over into your other relationships also.)

Fear is not part of a loving relationship, but it is a vital part of a mentally abusive relationship. It enables the abuser to maintain control over you.

7. You can heal.

Mentally abusive relationships cause enormous emotional damage to the loving partner who tries, against all odds, to hold the relationship together and, ultimately, can’t do it, because her partner is working against her.

Whether you are currently in a mentally abusive relationship, have left one recently, or years later are still struggling with the anxieties and low self-worth and lack of confidence caused by mental abuse, it is never too late to heal.

But you do need to work with a person or a programme specifically geared to mental abuse recovery.

Women who have suffered mental abuse expect radical change of themselves, and they expect it right away. This is why they often struggle and, not uncommonly, take up with another abusive partner.

Mental abuse recovery is a gradual process. Low self-worth and limiting beliefs about what kind of future the abuse sufferer can ever hope for are the blocks that can stop women from moving on. But they are blocks that you can clear very effectively. Just as language was once used to harm you, you can now learn how language can heal you. You can overcome past mental abuse and keep yourself safe from it in the future. You can also learn to feel strong, believe in yourself and create the life and the relationships you truly want.

Answer 2

I know exactly what you are going through hun. Unfortunatly, for me i was in a physicaly abusive relationship. I always wanted a way out and had friends, family, and everyone i know to support me and give me a place to stay. However, this will not be easy. It seems as if you have lost your self confidence and will. No matter what you do or say, i can guarentee this is the man he will be. You can sit him down and tell him how you feel, he will be the BEST person in the world for a week, and than go back to being his normal abusive self. No matter what anyone said to me, i was not able to leave him for 4 years. No matter what posts you get, your going to need to get up the strenth to leave on your own. There is nothing anyone can do or say to pursuade you. You already know you need to leave. Love hurts. I know your thinking of all the great wonderful times youve had and how amazing those good moments are. But belive me, the moments should always be pretty much good. (every normal relationship has a fight here and there, but it should never be abusive or that hurtful where it degrades the person you are). There are reasons some of us are dealt these type of men. Grow from t. Learn from it. If you dont live with him, just stop answering his calls, avoid seeing him as much as possible. ITS GOING TO BE HARD AS HELL! YOUR GOING TO CRY, YOUR GOING TO HURT, YOUR GOING TO FEEL LIKE ITS THE END OF YOUR WORLD, BUT YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT AND YOU WILL BE STRONGER AND HAPPIER.

[e-mail] is my email..Feel free to email me whenever if you need support.

Answer 3

I have been in your shoes and it sucks! You keep believing that you can change just ONE thing to make them happy or show them that they dont have to be mean to you. Unfortunately, it took me 2 years to figure out that he was just a jerk. No matter what sob story he feeds you about family or past issues that cause hi to act like this HE IS MAKING A CHOICE, AN ADULT CHOICE TO TREAT YOU THIS WAY! He knows what he is doing and he can control it.... (it took years of therapy for this to register)... sometimes you feel like its easier to stay than to be scared and alone and worrying about what he will try to do to you next. ... nobody can give the answer on what to do. You need to make up YOUR mind to make a clean break and not subject yourself to this anymore. He is a bully, the same as on the playground when you were little and you still shouldn't tolerate it... I love the saying "I wish I was a little kid again because bruised knees are easier to fix than a broken heart" but you just have to remind yourself that what you're doing is for the best... and if you need fuel to the fire? Keep remembering all the times he hurt you. Don't listen to his promises to change, just remember the pain.. he had his chance and he blew it. Time to meet someone that deserves you!

Answer 4

Your going to get repeats on this one.

Please, do yourself a favor, and break-up with him. No one should put up with such behavior from another individual. Since, he's not your husband(thank goodness!), it's time to move along, he has no respect for you, or your family. Maybe, with some time a part, he may realize he needs help. In this day and age, no will put up with such behavior! Unless, the next victim he finds is weaker than you. Do you understand where I'm coming from? Gain your strength back, and head for the door. Don't look back.

Answer 5

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this tough time. Your boyfriend needs to be out of your life - I just did a search for a website that could be of some help to you, as I am not an expert at this whatsoever. http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_help_treatment_prevention.htm

You need to get help as soon as possible and get some counseling - take care of yourself - you only have one life and you don't deserve to be living in this fear. There is a way out.

Answer 6

Well, i'm your girl to talk to. I went threw a 3 year relationship that is exactly like yours. Your on a great start though you noticed there was a problem and you came out and admited you want to do something about it. Now is the time to take action. Below is a list of things you may want to consider to solve your problem...they worked for me and now im in an amazing relationship today with someone new.

You need to sit him down and with out him interupting you tell him how you feel.

If he gets angrey BREAK UP WITH HIM....you deserve somone who will do ANYTHING to make you happy.

if you choose to break up with him block his emails, dont anwser his calls , avoid him at all costs.... The hardest thing about breaking up is seeing them or hearing from them if you get "alone" time you will get stronger.

put away old pictures and items that remind you of him....no point in walking in your room looking at a shrine of him, it will only make you miss him.

GIRLS NIGHT OUT !!!!!! i dont know how many of these saved me, made me feel good about it....gather some of your gal pals and hit up a bar or a club or watch movies ect....

FLIRT FLIRT FLIRT.....flirting with other guys gives you a good feeling,,,,even more when they flirt back.

pamper your self......take an extra 10 mins a day and look in the mirror, If you feel good and confident you will sen doff positive vibes which make other people happy around you.

do something drastic....go get our hair cut, nails done or what ever it makes all us ladies feel hot :P

Maintain confidence and dont break,....becuase he will only get worse.

Answer 7

You need to love and feel good about yourself! If that is how your boyfriend is going to act does he really care about you? All you have to do is tell him it's over and don't go back to him. There are tons of guys out there and if your still young live your life! There is always a way out!!! Surround yourself with loved ones they will help comfort you.

Answer 8

God made you a wonderful person with many hopes and dreams and a future.

He in no way intended you to be with someone who does not want you to realize your hopes and dreams. And God does not want you to be with a man who will hurt you.

I understand that you love this guy and you probably want to help him. It won't work. It is not your job to save him.

Break it off. You deserve so much better than this relationship. It will not be easy but with God's help, you will get through this.

Answer 9

I am deeply sorry for what u going through!! But it sounds to me that your boyfriend has BIPOLAR!!go to bipolar.com n see for yourself how one can have severe moodswings. and if in fact thats the problem RUN RUN like hell. we will never change things can get a better with meds, but it would never go away its an illness 4 life. go to web site!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 10

Whenever he starts to be stupid just totally ignoor him. And when he is not being stupid praise him some how (eg. Food, Kissing)

Answer 11

You KNOW you need to break up with him. Please do it! I don't want you to get hurt. Talk to someone you can trust, ask them for help. Maybe one of the abuse hotlines could help you. Do get out!
http://www.snbw.org/dv_faq/abuse_hitting.htm