Tell a child the truth or not ?

Question

we always told my grandson dads away at school .Now he is home from jail back on drugs and HIV positive.Do we continue the lies or tell the truth? What if somewhere down the road someone says I saw your dad stoned and sleeping in the park & he defends his dad and says thats a lie ? What if he fights for his dads reputation? He is only 7 .

Answer 1

Honesty is always best. However, he doesn't need to know all the adult details. Make sure he understands that daddy is having a hard time dealing with life right now and has made some poor choices, so he's not able to be in his life like he should be. Use this as a powerful lesson for the child, as one day he will come upon difficult situations and choices and this could really be a huge influence on those decisions. Plus, he does found out through someone else (not family) he would feel betrayed and find it hard to trust again.

I dealt with a somewhat similar situation where my boys uncle overdosed on drugs, his liver started to fail and for 48 hours he knew he would die. He never took the chance to say goodbye to his boys and asked that they be told that he just "got sick" and then died. Well, my children were told the truth, as in - Uncle "blank" made some bad choices and did too many drugs and his body couldn't handle it and it started dying. This doesn't mean uncle "blank" is bad, he just made bad choices. My kids took that information very well, but when they talked about it with their cousins (his sons) they were adamant that he just got sick and he didn't do bad things, like drugs and were so devastated that everyone lied to them. The oldest boy even blamed himself, he told me his daddy hated him to much that he left him without saying goodbye. His mom chose not to talk about the situation even after they knew, thinking they would deal better without being reminded or talking about it. Those boys pulled back from their mom so fast, it was quite noticeable and I don't know if it was ever dealt with properly. But my kids still talk to me about their uncle to this day, and we talk about all the things that we can do when things are tough... or what we say to friends who offer us drugs, and they will always remember that their uncle died from drugs... it's a powerful example, but they never speak of him in a negative way!
We should really give kids more credit. They have an amazing ability to deal with situations that we fear they won't be able to... and they need to know that they can be trusted to know the truth and that they can trust their family as well.
Find a kind and child friendly way to explain the situation to him, without blame or negativity and let him know that you'll always be there for him if he ever wants to talk about it or has any questions or just needs a big hug (his mom should do the same).

Answer 2

I would ease him into the truth. Start by telling him his dad has done some bad things and is very sick now. As he gets older reveal more details. A kid his age won't understand drug addiction and HIV and how it all comes about, and the simple explaination will be enough to satisfy his curiosity at this age. As he begins to understand more and ask more reveal more details. This will feel like an eternal battle but it's best for him. You don't want him to find out from a stanger or an uncaring family member, he may end up resenting you for keeping him in the dark. This will also serve as a way of teaching him that drugs are bad and steer him clear of any temptations he may come across (as most kids do)... Good Luck

Answer 3

Something to remember is children are very resilient. He obviously needs to know the truth, but being seven he doesn't really need to know the "whole" truth. Tell him his father is very sick and could possibly pass away. Then discuss with him how he feels about that. There's no reason to tell him that he was in jail at this point, but it would definitely be a good idea once he got older and would fully understand to tell him the entire truth. There's nothing like being the only one with no idea what the truth actually is. Hope that helps. :)

Answer 4

He doesn't need to know all the dirty details but nor should he be deceived into thinking his father is a saint. You need to tell him that his dad is sick and he did some bad things while he was gone. He will probably ask you questions and you should answer them honestly but gently. Don't lie, but don't give the kid nightmares or make him hate his father. Someday he will ask if his dad was in prison, you should answer that when it comes up or tell him when you think he can handle it. But you should take steps to protect him from his dad's destructive lifestyle and limit his contact to only supervised visits. And only when absolutely sober. This is a tough situation with a lot of hard judgement calls.

Answer 5

has the best answer because of the simplicity: "time to 'fess up"

This child needs to know, gently and as appropriate for his age, the Truth. He needs to know where he's from and should be told as much as he can understand as he grows

At this time the biological father has no place in the life of this child. Since HIV is no longer a death sentence, if the bio-dad gets his act together at a later date and wants to reconnect; that is what Family Court is for.

Answer 6

"you know how sometimes you go to time out or get into trouble when you make a wrong decision, well, your daddy made some bad choices and he got in trouble and had to spend some time away for a while. he still loves you but he has to learn how to be a good boy." of course if that much is said, it might sound silly to a ten year old. it probably would have sounded better to him when he was 4 or 5 but there is no sense in beating yourself up for not telling him. you were trying to protect him but he is definitely old enough to know some of the truth without all the gory details. my dad spent most of my childhood years in jail,( i lived with my grandparents) and as a child i thought it was because he didnt love me enough to give up drugs and crime, but it had nothing to do with me, it had to do with the fact that he needed help and unfortunately, the prison system doesn't rehabilitate anyone. you just need to make certain that your grandson knows his dad loves him and that is why he let him stay with people that love him and can take care of him. i hope for the best for your grandson.

Answer 7

Honesty is the best policy. How will you teach him that if you can't do it. He just might end up resenting you instead of him. So in a way that a 7 year old understands you share as much information as he needs to know right now. Don't persecute, belittle or malign his dad. However tell him the truth and let him figure out what he wants to do with that information as he goes throught life. Good luck.

Answer 8

Whoa! That's a hard one. I think if were you I would find a new father figure and then when he is old enough to know that it takes more than sperm to be a father tell him the truth. I think he is too young to appreciate the truth. You dont have to explain what you dont say. I think the real truth on this one would hurt his development. Does he really need to know the details? Dont lie but protect him while he is young and needs a good role model. Good Luck!

Answer 9

One thing is absolutely certain; the boy must one day learn of his fathers' true self. Now, that does not mean that he is ready! Learning something about your parents when you are young (and have not known them) generally makes strong impressions, whether good or bad. It is better to leave the situation non-volatile until the child has had time to define their self. Addiction is thought to be partially hereditary, so he may be predisposed to his fathers' mistakes. It may be best that he learn of his fathers' fate when he is old enough to understand. There is no age at which he will be mature enough to handle it, but I trust your concern is a sign of your commitment to help the boy grow well.

Answer 10

Tell the truth. The lie only perpetuates the disease of addiction. Step into the light and live free. It is not your fault or the child's fault. Screw the guilt. Shout the truth long and loud. It is the silence and the lies that make addiction so powerful.