Is this normal grief?

Question

My fiancee of 8 months just lost his teenage dauther to a car accident a month ago. We are suppose to get married in 3 months. We just moved into a new house but have been living together for the past 9 months. This is second marriage for both with kids from both marriages blended. At first, after the accident, he embraced me and turned to me as his rock, for comfort. Since then he has been cold, distanst and down right mean to fight with me. Now he wants to go away for a week by himself. All we seem to do is fight, mostly by his doing. I'm can't imagine what he is going through losing a teenage daughter. The grief must be horrible. What I don't understand is why he has to turn our relationship, the one solid thing he has, upside down. Why won't he confide in me or turn to me?

Answer 1

It's very difficult to understand what a grieving person goes through. Everyone grieves differently; it's very hard to understand losing someone that close to you if you've never had such a loss. I understand your concern, but you have to understand it's not about you right now, it's about him. Of course you don't understand his reaction to his daughter's death-- his life has been turned upside-down!

There is no timetable for grief. The best you can do is let him find his way and listen when he wants to talk. Encourage him to go to a grief support group, watch to make sure he doesn't slip into a deep depression. This is a time when your relationship will be tested. From his perspective, nothing is secure, even your relationship. He needs to be able to express himself; encourage him to see a therapist.

I remember being in a similar situation; I resented people who had what I didn't have anymore. Sometimes I felt I had to "be strong" and "carry on" because other people needed me. I didn't allow myself that time to grieve and recovery was slow. It took time, and it will take him time. He can't see it now, but eventually he will be able to talk about his daughter, think about her and smile. Maybe you can postpone the wedding, let him deal with his pain; it's too fresh still.

I don't know what to tell you other than to be patient with him and encourage him to get grief counseling. He'll make it through, but he needs time.

Answer 2

Many men find it hard to accept condolances and have a good cry on someones shoulder, like most women would.They turn inward , brood, play back parts of their lives,even flagelate themselves for things or events not even under their control.Some can't talk about what they think and certainly won't confide to any helpfull degree.Those closest are kept at a distance to minimize the chances of this happening. Any imagined offence is enough to start an argument which will keep the other at a distance. Time does take the edge away , but slowly.Not knowing his character type or him at normal times it's hard to suggest what to do. Stay calm and don't argue when he does start one. Keep him in the loop of family events, even if he doesn't take part. Keep as normal a family life as posible. AND GOOD LUCK.

Answer 3

I can't tell you I know exactly why he is doing what he is. And I'm sorry to hear he isn't really talking out what has happened or how he is feeling. It may be short term, and you are closest to take out those negative feelings on - even though I'm sure he still loves you.

This seems like a wonderful opportunity to suggest couples counseling. The life you want to start together can only get better if you both learn to discuss what is inside of you. By you both going together, it's not like you are ganging up on him, or telling him what he needs to do. And, in the short term it may help him comes to grips with this terrible loss and hurt and learn how to turn to you and your relationship in times of trouble.

I wish you both the best and hope you can learn to work through this and future hurdles you will face together.

Answer 4

Just leave him alone. Let him go for the week. He just might need some alone time. Also, some men feel that it is not manly to show emotion and may be embarrassed to do this in front of you. You know men are suppose to be the big, strong ones in the relationship. When in reality, the women are the stronger when it comes to the emotional part of it. Tell him you understand and that you love him and you'll be there waiting when he gets back. Then just leave it alone. It's been said " you always hurt the ones you love." Good luck.

Answer 5

Whoa..........Do you hear yourself? This man has just lost a daughter to death; (something that may just be sinking in his head and now his heart) which is final and all I hear you worrying about for real is yourself. Sweetie: Take a chill pill because at the end of the day this isn't about you--at all......It's about him, his feelings, his grieving process, and how he's going to get through this. I don't think he is intentionally shutting you or anyone else out. The man IS IN PAIN!!!...Everybody handles grief differently. Some people want people around them, some want to go it alone, and some like him may need time alone to analyze just what has taken place in his life. My goodness I admire the fact that at least he's honest enough to tell you what it is that he needs. Don't take it personal; it truly is not about you..........He's lost someone that he has loved for quite some time. What you can do to help soothe his pain, is accept the situation for what it is, accept him for who he is, and make yourself available for when and if he needs you to comfort him. In the mean time; I'd put the China pattern picking on hold, and prioritize. Don't make him have to choose between taking care of himself emotionally or you; he shouldn't have to................

Answer 6

Yes, this is normal and you need to find him a grief counsellor before he sabotages everything he has. Perhaps together you can do something in her name that his little girl would have appreciated that would make a big difference for someone else. The only thing here is time & I can tell you that 20 years from now he will still cry & be upset over the loss of his little girl. He is angry, and you are the closest one there, you get the brunt.

Answer 7

He just lost.... how recent? It can take a parent years to feel normal after a tragedy like that.... It sounds like you are describing depression and anger which are totally normal parts of the grieving process. I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but you sound horribly selfish... making this tragedy about YOU... Why isn't he turning to me... why is he turning our relationship upside down..
I would imagine that if you are going to continue in this relationship... you are going to have LOTS more ups and downs while he grieves.... and there is NO time limit on grieving.. esp. the loss of a child!!!!!

Answer 8

There are different stages of grief, and anger is one of them. It comes after denial. And he will sooner or later get depressed and also still be angry. People can be angry at the person who died, or angry at the world and everyone in it, and a lot of times the person that is closets to the them gets the raw end of it all. Over time he will accept it and move on and things will go back to normal. Just know that it isn't you he is really mad at. He just hasn't fully accept what has happened. And if he feels he needs to go away, support him in that.

Answer 9

I think that maybe he is trying to push you away,you know that old way of thinking that always kicks in,its bad and can always get worse,i lost my daughter why not my fiance,pushing someone away is sometimes a protection,if I push her/him away then if they leave me or get killed then it will hurt less? its NEVER true but it IS the human way of thought!
we always think that when something goes wrong,more things will. and if we lost someone THAT clsoe to us,then we can lose more,a loss of a child,my god I cant imagine the depth of pain and grief,it has gotta be overwhelming,clouding his thoughts his judgement,tell him you dont want him to leave you for a week,not because you just dont,but you should be worried that he may commit suicide all alone?express your concerns to him whatever they are and tell him you dont want to lose him and that you are there for him even in the bad times and that you want to help him through this! keep offering and reoffering your help! thats all you can do....hope that he overcomes the grief before he ruins his life....losing someone is never dealt with in the same way,but your being there always,helps

Answer 10

grief affects everyone in a different way. one thing for sure, though, if you can't share in his grief and live it as a couple, the separation will blend straight into your relationship and you'll forever remain separated by this event. put yourself in his place...how would you react if you lost one of your kids in an accident and he said it was "her loss, not ours"? it is a tremendous loss, period, and needs to be acknowledged, grieved, and never forgotten. you both just need to learn to live with it.