arranged marriage- double standard?

Question

Some people can relate to this & some don't even know what I am talking about!! Anywayz, in a society which supports arranged marriages, the parents expect their girls (i'm seeing it from a gal's pt of view) to be "nice", not be "social" with guys- all the girls need to do is study & be good until the parents find their match.. once the girl has finished her studies (& may be working too), she is introduced to a guy all of a sudden- she is expected to 'interact' with this guy & give her consent for marriage.. what an hypocrite-
worse than this, while premarital sex is so much of taboo here, the newly-weds are expected to have a baby by their 1st or 2nd anniversary- WHAT IS THAT ABOUT?!!

hey.. i belong to this culture as well.. so, I am trying to see whether there is any justification here that I don't see yet

why am I not able to see the answers to my question?

Answer 1

It does seem kind of strange doesn't it? And just think back not so many years, most women were not educated to the extent of nowadays. Some of these guys could do anything they wanted inside or outside their marriage without any fear of the girl leaving. Because where was she going to go? It was shameful for her parents to take her back, she had no real education, so what was she to do? Well the simple answer was to just continue to accept all that was given to her by her husband. Oh and btw, I am sure this pads the stats that so many people throw around regarding the low pct of divorces in arranged marriages. Many girls had no choice but to stay. I am thankful mine had the "guts" to leave her husband and then I was fortunate enough to meet her one year later.

But the male dominated society of India is in no rush to hurry these changes along. After all, why would they be? But things are changing...........slowly.

Having a baby so quickly after marriage only makes it more difficult for the girl as well. After all, whose life really undergoes the change?

Fortunately, women are better educated now. They have better paying jobs and many can take care of themselves nowadays with or without a man in their lives. No need to take any of the abuse. So I would think in the next two to three generations the pct of arranged marriages would decrease (especially in the cities) and over that same period of time, the pct of marriages ending in divorce will rise.

But the male dominated society of India is in no rush to hurry these changes along. After all, why would they be? But hey, if it is good for the gander, it is good for the goose as well.

I also believe the number of students engaging in pre-marital sex is also higher than it was one generation ago. I don;t know that for fact, but just my opinion. But I find it refreshing that many women are now speaking out against just blindly accepting arranged marriages and the double standard throughout the society.

I wish you luck and the courage to Stand-Up for what you know is right!!!

Answer 2

The double standard is very true and real.

For example.. in some arranged marriages the boy's parents get to test the girl's virginity by laying a white cloth on the honeymoon bed. After the honeymoon it better have some red stains on it or she is in big trouble. Well what about the boy??? There is no way to test him right.

The only assurance a girl has when stepping into an arranged marriage is the boy's word. That is it. He can change the story later and she will have to bear the hurt.

Right after finishing her studies the girl is married off. She leaves her parents' house as a bride and goes on to live with her husband. Everyone can be easily assured of her innocence and purity!

Most of the guys stepping into arranged marriages are already employed, often abroad. So the guys have all the independence, money and time they need to fool around without even their parents' knowledge. Even guys with good qualities fall pray to the temptations of modern society and then keep it a secret until the wife finds out after marriage.

There should be some way.. at least the parents should teach their sons that earning money is not the only requirement for being a good husband. Loyalty and Trustworthiness are also important.

If he wants to marry a girl via an arranged marriage then he should not dishonour the trust she will place on him. After all, that is all a girl has when she steps into an arranged marriage and goes on to live in her husband's world.

Answer 3

What is that about? It's about that culture...I'd say if you are part of that culture and disagree with it, then get away from it if you can. Otherwise, although it wouldn't be my choice, there are certainly worse horrors going on in the world than arranged marriage.

To have a double standard though, you have to present both sides...so how are the guys treated? Do they have a choice? Are they groomed to be husbands or allowed to run wild and free, then pick the 'good girl' of their choice to wed? Unless they have it a lot better than the women, there is no double standard...

Answer 4

arranged marriages had a place in history, in some cultures where religion supported tradition, but in these days and cultures, arranged marriage benefits no one except it makes the elders feel good about themselves.
ever see Fiddler on the Roof?
Anyhow, I don't know what country you're in, but if you are in the US you have legal rights and you don't have to do what your elders say. And if you're not in the US, I don't know what your rights are, but I'm sure you wouldn't be the first to rebel.
There's nothing wrong with focusing on your studies and find yourself and becoming independent before you marry. Many girls who get involved with boys too soon find themselves stuck in relationships with babies on the way, or the boys are violent and controlling. It's best to avoid relationships until you're old enough to know what's best for yourself. yeah, big double standard. old enough to know what is best for you, just so you can have someone make your most important decisions, doesn't make sense.

Answer 5

I'm not sure where you get the double standard. Arranged marriages have been around for thousands of years. The families want the best for the couple and also the family. They want the women to be pure and decent, they want the man to be hard working and honest. They want the couple to be happy and they also want the families to prosper from the union. You have to understand that in some cultures, its a status thing for the family to make sure the daugher/son gets the right family behind them to ensure not only the daughter/son but also the good names of the family.

Answer 6

Friend,

I understand your question well.I two have two daughters.I performed their marriages in the traditional wy only and they are happy .

As parents when we get a proposal to our child, we do not blindly say ''yes'' and proceed.It is the fundamental and most important that we make enquiries about the boy through our trusted friends and relatives in whom we have faith that they give an unbiased view.We try to elicit the details about his family background, conduct and character and habits etc as much as possible.
We try to know their traditions and see if there is no wide gap between the both as some times this happens and creates problems to the girl to get adjusted.So we avoid such things,We very openly ask about their traditions and explain ours and discuss.we try to learn through friends and relatives the parents attitudes and behaviour and social activities.Because there will be some unadjustable things some times.We avoid such cases.

So as parents of a girl....we take atmost care that our daughter steps into a very nice family and will have a nice family with an excellent husband.All this exercise must be done .That is why we try to see alliances in the known families whom we can trust.Because the entire life of the daughter is at stake.
we do not go for their status or position etc(some may perform marriages exclusively to gain some benefits to them through marriage...and the girl suffers entire life...I have seen such ones too)
But it is wrong to do so.Let us give a very good life to the daughter.Let her get a good husband and be happy.

I am Entirely against premarital intimacies between the to-be married ones.It is against the culture.

After ascertaining all things and satisfying ourselves we show the photo to girl to have an idea about boys physical appearance.the boy too sees photo only.
Then if both boy and girl are satisfied. on an auspicious day we arrange that the boy and his parents come to girl's home to see her.Then, now a days we leave the boy and girl for an hour or so to talk to each other to know some thing about each other..

Then if all are (both girl and boy especially) are satisfied and agree. we fix a day to fix the date of marriage to be celebrated.

If both are satisfied we fix a date almost , with a gap of about three months or so, and fix the date for marriage.In this period the girl and boy will be talking to each over phones and meeting and going out too.but there will not be any intimate relationship physically.They try to understand each other.If in this period the boy misbehaves or the girl is not upto the expectations with mutual consent the marriages are cancelled.This happens very very rarely.

Because all this care is taken, we hope and wish that the girl will be happy.
Most of the arranged marriages are fine.The divorce rate is less in arranged marriages than in love marriages.

I hope all parents of girl shall do all this and see that the girl is blessed with a very good husband.

If one succeeds in getting a good son-in-law, he will as well get a son additionally (in the son-in-law).

If he fails leave of getting an additional son, you will lose the daughter you have.

So parents please be careful and give alkl attention and care before selecting a match to your daughter.

God bless all.

If I am wrong,or hurt any one I may be excused and corrected .

Answer 7

Like you stated in your question...it's simply a double standard, saying that guys can do anything they want to and be well-thought of and admired, but women can't. And any society that promotes that type of double standard (and a lot of Middle Eastern and Far Eastern cultures do that very thing) probably believes in owning slaves, too.

Answer 8

I understand where you are coming from but I have to say...

Take a look at how many of the posts right here on this page are by women that are complaining that the man THEY chose to marry, he's immature, doesn't pay attention to her, is mean to her, cheated on her, etc. etc.

Simple common sense tells us that the vast majority of these women knew that these guys did these kinds of things before they got married, but they chose to ignore it, or chose, to believe that it would change, or chose to believe that THEY could change them.

The older I get the more I understand and appreciate arraigned marriages. The parents have the experience and the wisdom of age and life. They are looking ahead to the future. Their primary interest is the complete well being of their daughters and not just how she FEELS at the moment.

Women rely too much on feelings and too often they let them override common sense.

Answer 9

It's a cultural thing.
I don't understand it much myself, but I do know that arranged marriages have a far lower divorce rate than non-arranged ones, so they must be doing something right!

Answer 10

Tradition