"Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands"....what about me??

Question

I want to be happy in my family, but I am not. I have tried and tried. I work full time and make sure the bills are paid from my account. My husband has a crappy job and no benefits. I make good money, but no medical insurance. I do have an excellent pension plan.
I make sure the kids have clothes and school supplies.
I do 85% of the housework, gardening & shopping and cooking.
I do 100% of my own car care, homework with the kids, dental & doctor visits.
I am so resentful of my husband. He's a 40 year-old baby! I am really getting depressed about this. I work my butt off, stress about how next months bills will be paid and always feel obligated to someone else. I have read "Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands", but I just got more angry! I'll be damned if I'm going to meet the sexual needs of someone who doesn't meet mine! Call me cruel!!
I menion this gently to hubby, and he comes unglued. I am sooo unfair, sooo mean!!
WHAT ABOUT ME?

Thank you for your input, all of you. I have to say that I have considered all of the advice here. Some ideas new to me, some not. Since I have an excuse to refute each and every idea here, I can only say I have learned something huge that I won't bore you all with. Thanks for all of your great, wonderful and insightful comments.

Peace to all of you!

Answer 1

You picked him... remember? If he is one of those types who is lazy and is not a real man.... then you are partially to blame. Sounds to me like you've created this world where you do it all and lead everyone to think that was okay. Now you are fed up and expect everyone to step up when you haven't expected it before.

All you can do is let him know how ya feel. If he comes unglued then so be it. Take some time off, seperate for awhile... give him and ultimatum, but be prepared to follow through with it. If you don't then your stuck.

Answer 2

Ok, when you find the invisible jet, let me know cuz I'm still looking (i.e. you're not freakin Wonder Woman!).

Anyway....chance are that you would be less resentful of his crappy job if he helped out around the house more often and made it so you didn't have to do EVERYTHING.

Sometimes they need a reminder. What you could do is simply tell him that you are burnt out and that you need help. That'll be too vague for him, though, so you'll have to explain what you need help with, exactly.

Think about what specific things you'd like for him to help you with then let him know....for example: if you've worked all day and know you gotta come home to chores (the ever growing mountain of laundry and dishes, etc.), then ask him to stop by the grocery store - give him a list, even.

Make it a team thing - say, "If you do this, then I'll do that"....but definitely talk to him before it goes any further!!!!

Answer 3

If he's that mean and cruel take means to satisfy yourself. Give him an ultimatum. Tell him what you want for a change and that your sick of his attitude.. Piss on that book you read isnt worth a dime. You arent cruel by no means. so what if he comes unglued.. You get unglued with him also .. Ask him if he could at least meet you half way..write some stuff down that will help him meet you half way. I know sweetie I have been married 36 years today to the same one. He has faughts with me and me with him but we somehow work it out. Nothing fun after you been married for nearly as old as I am but we made it this far so why not just stick it on another decade or 2. Life aint no bed of roses or we'd all have roses in our bedroom. Luck to ya sweetie.

Answer 4

I am a male, and bought the book a few years ago, for my ex wife. It was too little too late for her and I, but I think it is a good book. My daughter was having some marital issues, and I let her borrow the book to read. Although she didn't agree with everything, she did put some of the things that she read and learned to use, and it helped her. After that I bought Dr. Laura's book "Bad Childhood - Good Life" for her and she read that as well. She actually went to her mother and said a few things about her past and let her mother know about some mistakes that she made. When her mother refused to acknowledge her, she parted company and keeps away from her due to her toxicity. I have heard a lot of women say terrible things about Dr. Laura, but I know several who thinks that she is wonderful and even some who have retracted thier original opinions of her. I used to listen to her show on XM radio all the time. I think she has a lot of positive for both guys and women.

Answer 5

I agree with reddevilbloodymary 100%. Men are simple creatures in what they need. They don't read minds. Be specific. I need you to do this (whatever) right now or at least in the next 5 minutes and don't forget to say thank you so much and that you appreciate it.
One thing I've noticed that a lot of women do is when their spouse is doing the chore, they complain about how they are doing the chore. Who needs that headache? The men act like children because their wives act like their mother.
Give them the chore and then walk away. If you want it done a specific way, then do it your self but don't complain about it.

Answer 6

First, dear, he is not going to suddenly look at you and go, "Hey, you are doing soooo much, let me help." Ok?

Make a list of everything that needs to be done, laundry (Monday, Tuesday, Saturday)..groceries, dishes, homework, car maintenence,etc....Put your name next to the chores you can do on the days you can do them.

E-mail him the list. Let him pick and choose from the blanks.

If Friday dinner and dishes is not chosen by either of you...then order in on Fridays....if no one is going to mow the lawn, hire the kid next door...etc..

Get a calendar. Put the kids appointments and activities on it...Hang this calendar. Look at it with him. Say, I can take the appointments/events on the 10th, 15th, and the 21st. Can you do the 8th and the 30th?

Learn the right way to ask for what you need.

Establish a routine of dinner, baths and bed for the kiddies and have him participate so that your house is settled by say, 8:30 - 9:00.

That way you get some down time too.

If conversation is not productive, e-mail the man. Just so he at least Knows what he Isn't doing.

I wish you luck.
God bless you and yours, dear....

P.S. If at all possible he needs to find a better job. Sounds like you're lacking Respect for him based on his employment. Maybe he can fix that.

Answer 7

Kick him in the balls and then kick him out of the house. Only let him back in when he promises to wash dishes, do laundry, cook, clean, feed the kids, shop for them, and poor you a bath so when you get home you can relax before paying the bills for the house he helps keep clean.
Ohh, don't forget to tell him to cut the grass and to put gas in your car before you go to work or you will kick him again. If he comes unglued again, glue him together starting where you kicked him earlier. Glue him to sponge so he can clean the toilet when he pees..

Answer 8

Instead of a big talk on everything that annoys you, try getting him to do something specific and small...eg. can you do the laundry today I don't have time. Then if he does not do it, you don't do it either, "I thought you were going to do it this week, I told you I didn't have time" That way you can get him to start helping you with house and kids more.
However, if what is really bothering you is that you make more money, that isn't going to change and you just have to learn to accept it.

Answer 9

Well, I would be angry too, but sometimes we really do get caught up in keeping track of who does what. I do most of what you do, take care of most of the household needs, pay bills, do half the yard work, take care of my car, work part-time in our business that we own together, stress about how things are going to run, tend to the children's needs...and there was a time when I was taking score, and by golly, I was winning. I felt so unappreciated and resentful. But I got to thinking that the reality of MY ATTITUDE was that it wasn't working. Forget who was doing what, the place that I was in wasn't helping anyone, and only making me more angry the more I "kept score" I began to make myself push those thoughts out of my head, and tried to focus on the good things. Try for one week to list one good thing your husband does that is important to you every day. Not chores around the house, but other important things. Does he hug and play with the kids? Does he compliment you on how good you look or sexy you are? These are important things as well, but you are so wrapped up in the crap of life that you seem to be forgetting WHY we work so hard at our responsibilities. Stop waiting for your husband to pitch in, and just start giving him specific jobs. When you are making dinner, set the veggies for the salad infront of him along with a knife, chopping board and beer or glass of wine. When you have a basket of clean clothes, set them in front of him and ask him to fold them while he watches TV.

Answer 10

You need a break, and you need to tell your husband what you wrote here. If he gets mad, then he will get glad, or start to see your side of it. You call him a baby, then say that you gently say this to him. Be very frank and tell him like it is and you want things to change. If you need help then go get it so the marriage can be saved.