Can you please edit this, or just give me some suggestions?

Question

It’s filled with warm tones; mostly reds. There are a few golden yellows which is the light reflecting from the fire. It’s filled to the brim with people, eleven altogether. The girls are on the maroon couch. A very pregnant Jane is sitting next to Bob on the love seat. Dad is sitting tickling the boys on his lap. All three of them are laughing so hard there faces are pink. I am standing a few feet away trying to put the camera on the right flash setting. In the doorway Tim is carrying in mugs filled with coffee.
One person is missing from the picture, Sean. There is his army portrait on the piano. Sean is in Afghanistan serving his country. Although every one looks happy in the picture in the back of everyone’s mind is the sadness that Sean isn’t here. This is a thanksgiving that he won’t remember. He won’t remember how some of the turkey fat dribble over and caught flame. He won’t remember Micheal singing at the top of his lungs, the three year olds version of “Auld Lang Syne”.

He won’t be there when we all gather around the piano to sing some worship songs. But we have the faith and hope that he will be there next year.

The assignment is to write a picture. It should be very discriptive and we are supposed to express are feelings through how we discribe. Please if you would change anything tell me. My teacher is an anal retentive nazi and I want to do well

Answer 1

This is really good. Change the first everyone in the second paragraph to one word. Change dribble to dribbled. Change the last word here to with us. The first sentance is a fragment. When you use a semicolon each side has to be a complete sentance. The word it is vague. Change the word it to the place where you are. I.E. The living room is filled with warm, red tones. You could just leave out read. Maybe replace red with the word autunm, as it implies oranges, yellows, and reds. Auld Lang Syne is a New Year's song, not Thanksgiving. Maybe you want to pick a different song. Nice piece of writing.

Answer 2

There are a few punctuation errors and a bit of redundancy here and there. I've tightened it up a bit, but you're definitely on the right track with the feelings and imagery. What I've done is called editing. It fixes minor flaws without changing the tone of the piece. I hope you like it.

It's filled with warm tones, mostly reds. There are a few golden yellow highlights refelcted from the fire. It's filled to the brim with people, eleven altogether. The girls are on the maroon couch. A very pregnant Jane is sitting next to Bob on the love seat. Dad is tickling the boys on his lap; all three of them are laughing so hard their faces are pink. I am standing a few feet away, trying to adjust the flash setting on the camera. In the doorway, Tim is carrying in mugs filled with coffee.

One person is missing from the picture: Sean. Sean is in Afghanistan serving his country. There is his army portrait on the piano. Although everyone looks happy, in the back of everyone's mind is the sadness that Sean isn't here. This is a Thanksgiving that he won't experience. He won't see how some of the turkey fat dribbled over and caught flame. He won't remember Michael singing at the top of his lungs the 3 year old's version of Auld Lang Syne.

Answer 3

It’s filled with warm tones, mostly reds. There are a few golden yellows, which is the light reflecting from the fire. It is filled to the brim with people, eleven altogether. The girls rest on the maroon couch. A very pregnant Jane sits next to Bob on the love seat. Dad is sitting, tickling the boys on his lap. Their pink faces reveal how hard all three of them are laughing. Standing a few feet away, I adjust the camera to the correct flash setting. In the doorway, Tim walks in carrying mugs filled with coffee.

One person is missing from the picture, Sean. His army portrait sitting on the piano. Sean is serving his country in Afghanistan. Although every one looks happy in the picture, everyone broods over the sadness that Sean is not here. This is a Thanksgiving that he will not remember. He will not remember how some of the turkey fat dribbles over and catches flame. He will not remember Micheal singing the three-year-old's version of “Auld Lang Syne” at the top of his lungs. He will not be there when we all gather around the piano to sing some worship songs. However, we have the belief and the hope that he will be there next year.


I mostly edited the passive sentences to active sentences. And extended your contractions.

Answer 4

It’s filled with warm tones, mostly reds. There are a few golden yellows which is the light reflecting from the fire. It’s filled to the brim with people, eleven altogether. The girls are on the maroon couch. A very pregnant Jane is sitting next to Bob on the love seat. Dad is sitting tickling the boys on his lap. All three of them are laughing so hard their faces are pink. I am standing a few feet away trying to put the camera on the right flash setting. In the doorway Tim is carrying in mugs filled with coffee.
One person is missing from the picture - Sean. There is his army portrait on the piano. Sean is in Afghanistan serving his country. Although every one looks happy in the picture in the back of everyone’s mind is the sadness that Sean isn’t here. This is a Thanksgiving that he won’t remember. He won’t remember how some of the turkey fat dribbled over and caught fire. He won’t remember Micheal singing at the top of his lungs the three year olds version of “Auld Lang Syne”.




Very nice.


4 minutes ago
He won’t be there when we all gather around the piano to sing some worship songs. But we have the faith and hope that he will be there next year.

Answer 5

It’s filled with warm tones; mostly reds. There are a few golden yellows which is the light reflecting from the fire. It’s filled to the brim with people; eleven altogether. The girls are on the maroon couch. A very pregnant Jane is sitting next to Bob on the love seat. Dad is sitting tickling the boys on his lap. All three of them are laughing so hard their faces are pink. I am standing a few feet away trying to put the camera on the right flash setting. In the doorway, Tim is carrying in mugs filled with coffee.
One person is missing from the picture, Sean. There is his army portrait on the piano. Sean is in Afghanistan serving his country. Although every one looks happy in the picture, in the back of everyone’s mind there is sadness because Sean isn’t here. This is a thanksgiving that he won’t remember. He won’t remember how some of the turkey fat dribble over and caught flame. He won’t remember Micheal singing at the top of his lungs, the three year old's version of “Auld Lang Syne”.
He won’t be there when we all gather around the piano to sing some worship songs; but we have the faith and hope that he will be there next year.

Answer 6

Change "there" to "their":
All three of them are laughing so hard their faces are pink.

Change "dribble" to "dribbled". Some word order changes:
He won’t remember how some of the turkey fat dribbled over and caught flame. He won’t remember how Micheal sang the three-year-old's version of “Auld Lang Syne” at the top of his lungs.

That's all. Good descriptions. Pretty scene. Sad story. Hopeful ending. Very nice.

Answer 7

Some minor spelling/punctuation errors:

What is filled with warm tones?
Use "their" not "there faces are pink".
It's generally "everyone" not "every one".
After "Although everyone looks happy in the picture" there should be a comma.
Thanksgiving should be capitalized, it is a proper noun.
Add a d on the end of dribble.
It's usually spelled Michael, not Micheal, but it doesn't really matter.
"Three year olds" should have an apostrophe between the d and the s.

Other than that, looks good.

Answer 8

That is awesome! I see no problems...only perfection! Great job :) Good Luck and Best Wishes, Ask Shirley ;)

Answer 9

It's puzzling, but good. What does poetry have to do with home work?

Answer 10

Sounds great! I want to read more!