At what age should I talk to my daughters about sex?

Question

I have 2 daughters, 10 and 15. I have tried to talk to the oldest one in the past and now I have tried again. But she is so hostile towards me and I suspect she might have already have had sex with her boyfriend, which she claims is 17, but he looks alot older and I can't stop her from seeing him.

Can I begin talking to my youngest daughter about this topic now?

Answer 1

Ten is a good age.

Answer 2

You should always have an open dialogue with your children.
I suggest not playing games either. If you are worried about your oldest daughter being sexually active, let her know in a non judging way. I would let her know that if she should ever want to be on birth control for any reason, all she need to do is ask and you would take her to the Dr. no questions asked.
I would also make sure both girls know how you feel about premarital sex and that if they should choose to be sexually active they should be responsible enough to take care of themselves by using birth control and taking steps not to get an STD.
I find that many girls by the time they are 15 have a friend who is sexually active or even pregnant. Use those situations to talk about what you think they need to do.
Another way is that by the time she is 15, she probably should go in for her first woman's check at the gynecologist. It is just normal and natural and that way she can get checked out, ask the Dr's questions and it may open up communication between you two.

Answer 3

Ten's a good age - you've got to have some sort of talk with her anyway if she's not to get her period without being scared stiff when it happens. If you're uncomfortable bringing up the subject why not buy her a book and suggest she looks at it and then you are happy to discuss it with her. Most of the period books discuss sex at least in a biological way anyway.

Not sure on the fifteen year old. She will know (or think she knows) it all anyway, she's bound to think she doesn't need to talk. You should discuss contraception with her, though. If you do it in a serious, adult way (asking her if she's considered what precautions she would need to take and why) rather than trying to scare her or tell her she's too young, that might be less likely to have her rebel, and might make her think seriously about the consequences. Even though she is too young :)

Answer 4

Yes, I would definatley begin to talk to her about it. If you want to, wait until she turns 11. But that time, she'll have already kind of heard about it, and pretty much know. She will feel so much more open when you talk to her. By talking to her, she'll know more about it, and maybe even spill if she knows that your oldest has done what you suspect. Tell her about the risks and problems that it occurs in younger and unmarried grils. As for your oldest, I think you waited too long to talk to her, and she thinks she knows it all. Have a no tolerance thing with her, and don't let her be hostile. Make her obey and listnen to you. Gain her respect, this you should do BEFORE you sit down and talk. This is the best advice I can give, adn I hope it helps.

Answer 5

NOW is time...you 15 year old won't listen because:

1. She knew about sex through her friends and movies way before you asked this.

2. She's in that age when our parents embarrass us too much and she doesn't wanna hear it, she already knows what you are gonna say.

3. I'm sorry to say this, but you may be right on the money thinking she may already have had sex.

4. Instead of giving her the sex talk , give her the avoid-a-pregnancy talk, the importance of condoms, the responsibilities of being a young teen mother, etc.

With your youngest talk now!!

Answer 6

I'm 17, and most of the younger kids these days already know at a very young age, so both your girls probably already know, your 15 year old may have already had sex, I had sex the first time when I was 16 my boyfriend was 18 and we had been going out for a year.
So just leave the door open for them to talk to you when they feel like it, I still don't talk to my mom about that stuff, at least not for myself, I tell her whats happening with other people, but not me. the talk really needs to happen around the age of 7 or 8 to beat everyone else to it.

Answer 7

Yes. It's best to have the talk with them before they're at the age where they'll be interested in it. You don't have to go over everything, but by now, they should both know where babies come from, and the older one should know about the risks involved with intercourse, and how to reduce them.

If you're having trouble talking to the older one, just let her know that your door is open, and that you won't judge if she has something she wants to ask. With any luck, she'll have had some kind of instruction in health class.

P.S.- It doesn't have to be one big "Talk". Introduce a little bit at a time, in a casual way. Don't make them feel like they're in for a lecture, and if you don't know the answer to something she asks about, it's o.k. to say so. Tell her you can look it up together.

Answer 8

Yes! Talk to them according to their maturity. I talked to my oldest when she was 10. Try going to www.familylife.com & ordering this kit called "Passport to purity" it's a really fun girls weekend setup that will talk all about it. You can even do it with your 15year old. The issue is not us telling them that they shouldn't have sex. it's WHY they shouldn't have sex. I was told all the time that i shouldn't... but why not? Yeah, I know, I might get pregnant and STD's and all that stuff - but really WHY NOT? As for your 15 year old... hostile or not, she's still a child. You still need to sit her down and talk to her. This may just be her way of avoiding it. At least if you talk to her, she will be informed about all the dangers. Otherwise, you may regret not telling her if something were to happen. You can't stop her from seeing him while she's away from you, butyou can certainly "school" her on what she should do and know about. You may not think she's listening but she is. Good Luck!

Answer 9

My niece is now 8 and had recently started asking her mother questions about sex. Her mother and I discussed the issue, and decided that it was important at this stage to answer all of her questions as frankly as possible. If she had been 5 or 6, we would have likely avoided "answering unasked questions." But she is now at an emotionally mature enough stage that she should be able to process appropriately, considering the context and presentation of the information. We feel that she should have all of the arsenal she needs before engaging in any activities that could affect her emotionally or (God forbid) physically.

Studies show that children are now commonly engaging in sex as young as 10, with the average age somewhere close to 14.

Honestly, 15 is just too late to have the "sex talk." It sounds like your 15 year old already knows all about it, and is likely engaging in it. The best step for you is to move from the "birds and the bees" talk to the more substantial and difficult conversation about the emotional components of sex. Talk about your first boyfriend, how she feels about her boyfriend, future plans, etc. Instead of saying that you don't think that he is the right one for her, talk about how you thought that you just LOVED your first boyfriend, but then you started realizing things about him that you didn't like so much... Most children will simply turn off if you "forbid" her from seeing him. Instead, let her feel that she is coming to the right conclusion all on her own. (Everyone likes to think that they have free will -- even if secretly a parent is directing that free will.)

I would very much recommend talking to your 10 year old as soon as possible. While the emotional components of sex are probably not as pertinent an issue, it is important to talk about the very biological "nitty-gritties" of sex...the vagina, the penis, sperm, eggs, pregnancy, etc. Various studies have shown that children who have a technical understanding of the act of sex are far less likely to engage at a younger age, since much of the experience has been demystified.

Answer 10

Yes, I think you can (and should) start talking to the 10 year old now, especially since she has an older sister that has a boyfriend, etc...which I think probably peaks her interest in the subject earlier. Regarding the 15 year-old, I think I would start by investigating the boyfriend and confirming his age. He can get into serious legal trouble having sexual relations with a minor, and I would definitely use that to control/protect my young daughter. You have more power than what you credit yourself with in your question.

Answer 11

you can start now because young boys can be decieving and already know vulgar nasty sex thing from the bad examples in the media and being around older kids. also, there are so many things going around, and so many nasty people. but tell her that if it makes her feel uncomfortable, then let her know it's okay and natural (also search the web for info sheets for her to read). it's good that you're concerned.

ps- as far as the eldest, take her to the gyno for a check up and reguardless how hostile and defensive she is, make her sit down and talk because it is very important the she becomes more open with you (she is still 15, and probably in 10th or 11th grade and lives in your house under your rule, so you can still punish her, not to be mean or pushy, but for her own good)