For single mothers with a stepmom involved?

Question

i have a child with a guy that is now married. and the last visit they had he came back at me saying he feels that our child should be calling his wife mom, I am against the idea until it is our child is old enough to make this decision for herself, for one her father and the wife hasnt been in her life long enough for my child to be all that comfortable with either one of them, and he thinks im insecure about my place in my daughters life, which im not. my daughter is already confused by us not being together and why hes married and im not why would he want to bring another confusion for her? I know i do need to have a talk to her about the wifes involvement in her life but it is hard to tell her some things since the father tells her different on things i do talk to her about, to get her to think im lying to her and dont have her best interest at heart. I do need some ideas on how to go about this any ideas appreciated.

I know that even if i say no he will still pressure her to call her mom, he has gone as far as saying he was jealous of our bond, and that i had 5 years alone with her its his turn to raise her. The wife has pretty much admitted that since she was having problems conceiving she was gonna put all her efforts on my child. He thinks since she isnt comfortable even with him i screwed her up some how and its not his fault for it, and he should be the one in control now. But i need to tell our daughter no matter how much he tries that she does have one mom, and his wife will never replace that, not even after i die. I just want to yell at him every time this comes up and tell him if he has such a need for someone to call his wife mom to have a child with her and not use mine to correct whats missing in their relationship. I would never have her call anyone else dad, so why disrespect my role in her life if i wont with him?

Answer 1

Under no circumstances should your child be calling someone else her mother! The stepmother should be addressed by either her name, her name plus a mom i.e. Flower/mom or by a pet name. Your daughter has one mother, she will always have only one mother, she only needs one mother. You should be first in her life, followed by her father. Speaking of whom--set him right into his place and explain that you WILL NOT be disrespected in such a way, and he is in the wrong to expect this.

Do not back down! Do not give in! Simply explain to your daughter that she can call her step XXX or YYY and then always use that name yourself.

Answer 2

Absolutely positively 100% NO. You are the mother in this situation - she isn't. There is no reason for her to be called "mom". She gets called by her first name. Period.

The only time it is acceptable for a step parent to take such a personal title is if the biological parent of their sex is not in the picture.

You need to get your daughter into counseling, the therapist can help your daughter understand the defined roles, and talk to your ex about his request, and how it is not in the child's best interest.

Answer 3

well, ur right why bring any more confussion into the poor child.
now, as for him why ask ur child her mom? hes the one that seems insecure with his parenting skills. i do agree with u that u need to tlak with ur child about who this lady is and what shell be in her life. its also good that u explain that she needs to respect her, and if this lady tries to do anything that makes her uncomfortable, to tell you both together. that she has no reason to feel that she cant tell you anything. im not saying this lady will turn out to be satan's daughter or something but its always good to be in the safe side.
but as far as calling her mom, ur right she should have the right to choose if she wants to or not.

Answer 4

I agree with you, calling the step mom mom is a decision that the child should make, not something that is forced upon them or asked of them. He needs to let your child decide on her own.

The shoe is not on the other foot for him (so to speak) so he doesn't realize all the feelings involved in this.

At some point it would be great for you to know that his new wife cares for your daughter as you would. But until your daughter is ready he really needs to let her decide on her own.

I would just talk to him and let him know you feel that this is a decision your daughter needs to make and if she someday wants to call his new wife mom, then great, you are supportive of that. But you will not be supportive of them forcing her to do it. No child should be forced to call a step parent mom or dad unless they want to.

You also need to have a talk with your daughter and let her know that if someday she does want to call her step mom mom, then you will not be angry or upset with her.

Answer 5

I am a Stepmother and I would never ask my Stepson to call me Mum! We are in the same situation as you. My stepson just recently came back into my husband's life after 5 years away, He doesn't call his father Dad yet ether. We feel it is important to build up the relashonship with him before even considering asking him to call my husband Dad. He knows who his parent's are and why they are not together and he seem's quite happy with that. Personaly I do not agree with your ex. To put it bluntly the woman is not your daughter's Mother and she should be trying to build her own relashonship with her, not trying to fill someone else's shoes.

It also sounds like he is putting his wife's feelings ahead of his own Daughter. Distressing as it is to have difficulteis conceving there is no "Quick fix" to their problem and they certianly should not see your Daughter in that way. I think they want this for their own selfish reasons and not for any concern about your Daughter.

The only person I would want to call me Mum is my own children

Answer 6

Let the child be the judge of when she is going to start calling his wife "mom". until then all decisions need to be discussed between the two of you no matter how hair-pulling exhausting it is..... And he needs to be on the same page as you. Explain to her that you each have opinions. And that rules are set according to households. Do explain that his new wife is there to stay (for now), but dont express any anger or judgement about her. Let her know its okay to like her 9even if you dont).

Answer 7

I TOTALLY agree with your point of view. Your ex is being unreasonable in wanting your child to call two people mom. It should be your child's decision as you said. There are other affectionate names that one can call a person who has a place in their lives besides "mom".

Answer 8

I agree with you totally. My daughters step mom has been in her life for 7 years now and over my dead body will she call her mom. That is something that they can decide for themselves when they get older. As a child she shouldn't call anyone but her mother....MOM!

Tell your ex no and explain to your daughter if need be that she is not mom....only you are....you are the one that carried her in your tummy!

Answer 9

As a step mother, I would never want my step children calling me mom. I am not their mother, mom or mommy. I am their fathers wife and hopefully the best friend that they will ever have. I have a girlfriend who's step child calls her Muzzy....pet name and it works for them. I just don't think that pretending you are the mom or dad of children who already have those is a good idea.

Answer 10

I'm sorry that your daughter (and you!) have to go through this! How old is she? I would simply tell her that it's entirely her decision on what to call her stepmother. You can also put a positive spin on it ... tell her that she is lucky to have so many people who care about and love her. I wish you both the best of luck. Wish I could help more.