I went to a concert with a girlfriend over the weekend, and we got horribly drunk. We ended up taking a guy back to our hotel room, and had sex with him. I had the worst feelings of guilt and ended up telling him. He's crushed, and told me that I'm disgusting and a whore, and I'm terrified he's going to leave me. We have a 1 year old son together, and I don't want him to not have both parents around.
Here's where it gets a little complicated.......We used to go to a swingers club regularly and have had sex with other couples, but always together, and we had our rules. The night that I was at the concert, he had a call girl at the house, and even though all they did was oral sex, it still happened, but I also knew about it.
I'm trying to find a way to fix things between us, but he won't even talk to me. I love this man with all my heart, and I don't want to lose him.
2007-09-04 05:28:05 · 52 answers · asked by mje0306 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Sounds as if this is not so much the fact you had sex with the guy – but that your husband wasn’t told up front? (since you were aware of the girl coming over to service him- and that was acceptable) -- ok.. if this is the case:
You may want to suggest this lifestyles rules have to be specifically spelled out (so that this does not ever happen again) – OR… the rules already established no longer work well for your marriage/family/relationship. And it may be better for both of you to be in a monogamous relationship.
All you can do at this point is apologize. Say you were wrong. You can’t take back what has already happened. You can offer your apology – and that is where your part ends. (Sadly) you can’t control what others do, think or feel (just look at questions and answers on this site-lol). – It will be up to him forgive you. (Since that seems to be important to you)
That being said.. There are not a huge amount of women out there willing to be in a swinger lifestyle with their partner. If this is something he has to have in his life… he is going to be more likely to stick with you, then attempt to hunt down another woman willing to go along with this lifestyle. Not a great card to have… but you are holding that card in your favor.
2007-09-04 05:51:01 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
So basically he's upset because you had a 3-some (unplanned) without his consent? While it should never have happened, what's done is done.
It's time for the both of you to sit down and seriously discuss whether you want to continue swinging. If he's this upset about your "adventure", it sounds like he might not be happy with sharing you anymore. Or, could be he's just upset he wasn't in on the action - you had a 3-some and all he had was oral.
If he won't talk with you, fine - make him sit down and you talk. Tell him to at least listen - especially if he wants to hang on to your marriage, and your family. There is a child who also has a stake in this marriage - even if he is too young to say anything.
Tell your husband how you feel about everything. When you are finished, ask him to tell you how he feels. Find a common ground to work towards a compromise. If he's not willing, then you seriously need to consider counseling - seek a therapist that has experience dealing with "open marriages" or swingers. And go from there.
Best Wishes
2007-09-04 06:25:56 · answer #2 · answered by Lady Ariana 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Are you sure all they did was oral? He wouldn't just say that to hold guilt over your head, would he?
In my opinion, sex is sex. He was no more in the right than you were. Although I don't know the rules of being a swinger, it sounds like he could have broken the rules, as well. If anything. you should yell at him for wasting money on a call girl.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you should probably have a heart-to-heart and reassess the rules of your relationship. If that doesn't work, I would suggest counseling from a professional.
Either way, you may need to eliminate the swingers portion of your relationship. This will force both of you to trust each other. And trust is the foundation of any successful relationship.
Good luck.
2007-09-04 05:35:49 · answer #3 · answered by Stupid Flanders 7 · 3⤊ 1⤋
The only thing you can do, you have already done. You have apologized, and have meant it. It is completely up to him whether he can accept your apology. If he does, he may do it tomorrow, or a month from now. People heal at different rates. There is no magic wand you can wave to make it all better.
I also think you need to forgive yourself. Sure, it wasn't cool, but you both have chosen a lifestyle, as a couple, where others are sometimes involved. I have heard others in that lifestyle that have said, if you are going to live that way, then you need to be forgiving, because eventually someone is going to break the boundaries due to temptation. Something to consider.
I would just go ahead with life as it is. Be nice, but don't be over-accomodating. You have done all you can in terms of atoning for the wrong doing. Treat him with kindness and respect, but don't become a doormat out of guilt, as he may use your transgression against you. That is just as bad as the original wrong that was committed.
You may find if you live normally, and don't walk on broken glass around him, he may come around. Once a bit of time has passed, you may be able to sit down and discuss what happened and assess your lifestyle and if it still works for both of you.
The truth is that if he chooses to leave, he will, regardless of what you do or say. That is completely his choice. Just show your sincerity in working it out.
2007-09-04 06:00:38 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
It's not complicated at all. You both have to start being honest with each other and not cheating. Period. Swinging is sharing. Having a call girl over or picking-up some guy at a concert without your spouse knowing is cheating. Simple.
If you want it to work you both have to live within the rules and boundaries you've agreed upon in your relationship. Right now it doesn't sound like either of you want to do that, but you want the relationship to work. You can't have it both ways.
2007-09-04 07:53:09 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
You stepped outside the boundaries to be sure, but he needs to calm down a bit. You say that you and your friend took part so it was definitely play. Time to sit down and decide whether you need to be monogamous for a while or redefine the rules of your play.
You know the most important thing is communicate, communicate, communicate. That goes for hubby as well, he can't have it both ways, there has to be some give and take.
One suggestion, are there any couples that you know from the club that might help the two of you come to terms? I often find that mentors can help a great deal when things get sticky.
2007-09-04 05:35:27 · answer #6 · answered by Rebecca W 7 · 3⤊ 2⤋
Don't be bothered with the holier than thou responses first off. It sounds like you went outside of the boundaries that you had set up when you first got together and now he feels violated. Basically the only thing you can do is apologize again and again. Talk to him constantly (observe his space at the same time) and try to make him realize that it is just like all of the other times that you guys have done virtually the same thing. If he had a call girl over then I am assuming that you also played seperately as well as together. Find out what his true issue is with it and go from there. Good luck.
2007-09-04 06:16:21 · answer #7 · answered by No one 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I messed up with my boyfriend too over the weekend and I'm trying to find a way to let him know that I love him more than ever. What I did was nothing like what you did but I look at it like hurt is hurt. Tell him how you truly feel...pray about it and leave it in God's hands. That's what I did and I think we are going to stay together. I hope it works out for you.
2007-09-04 05:39:09 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 2⤋
Your husband looks at porn, you are devastated and thinking of being a lesbian? Good plan. I get the feeling that you don't really view yourself as sexual person and thus find images disgusting. You do understand that men use porn to stimulate their libido as well as a substitute for real cheating where he is banging some woman and swapping fluids. Maybe you should step back take a deep breath and try to comprehend that he is with you willingly , or was, and that his choice is with you. Maybe you should consider being a bit more like the disgusting images and less like the high drama queen you seem here. NORMAL women are not so prudish and upset over something as universal as pornography. If most men are being honest about what they want from their wives it comes down to , a good housekeeper, a good mother for his children and a whore in bed. Get over this and try to be less "high maintenance".
2016-03-17 23:33:24 · answer #9 · answered by Janice 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You broke the rule of letting him know before you did it.
Open relationships work on the basis of physical gratification. He may be unsure about the situation as he wasnt there and may suspect an emotional connection. I think the only thing you can do is give it time and expect alot of crap and just give him time to get over it. Open relationships are precarious at best. The rules of engagement are strict and even one transgression can ruin it. Whatever you do just abstain for a while and show some devotion and sacrifice. You seem to be a well adjusted couple, so wait it out. I hope things work out!
2007-09-04 05:50:36 · answer #10 · answered by arrogate 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋