Newly married and confused already...?

Question

Recently married and already having communication problems. This is what we have endured:
1. I spent 3.5 weeks in the hospital with a major illness/surgery right before we got married. I got out and we got married 1.5 weeks later.
2.Our wedding weekend his best friend was here and he hasn't seen him since jan. the whole weekend was about him and his friend instead of about me and him and our wedding. I had to throw a fit just to be able to get a hotel room and spend our wedding nite alone.
3. We didn't get to take a honeymoon...money and my health. so he goes back to work and is miserable. doesn't interact with me and when he does it is fussing and moaning about work.
4. his dad shows up...he has never been around. and now my husband wants to spend every waking moment with him...he even quit his job and dad was one of the reasons why.
I told my husband that he should spend time with his dad but he shouldn't forget about everything/one else.what do i do should i expect from him

I told him we could postpone the wedding if he wanted...he was the one pushing for it to happen on the scheduled date. I had no problems either way. I am really confused about my husband's behavior. Should I have expectations of him since we are married? Should he spend every moment with his dad and completely forget about everything and everyone (I'm not the only one he has blown off since dad got here)? Please help. Thanks.

Dated for 2 years before marriage and never saw any of this behavior before...believe it or not.

Answer 1

Sounds like counseling is in order. He's probably dealing with some issues because of your health problems - that kind of stuff scares guys. Maybe he's just been acting strangely because of that. Maybe there's something else.
Either way, he's gotta know that you guys need to communicate with each other - and he's gotta have a J-O-B!

Answer 2

Dear Newly-Wed;

First let me say, I hope your recovered from your illness. You should be taking care of yourself and the additonal stress is NOT in your favor. I've had 19 surgeries so I do understand. My man dealt with it by investing in other people's lives, not mine or ours. The best thing you can do right now is recover.

Second, you know that what he is doing is wrong. There is not a handbook about life, that is why we have 'gut' feelings for a reason. Your's are on high alert, justifyable so. Give the man some space however, don't let it go too long. Give him some support. For some reason your man feels like it's all about him. If you give him time and he doesn't come around then, I would have a sit down with him.

Tell him constructively how your feeling. If he doesn't respond offer marriage counseling. I think you want the marriage so, if you give him the benefit of the doubt, you have done ALL the right things.

From there you should have a good idea what the marriage means to him and you. You may have to make a decision. I think you have a good head on your shoulders and know where you want to be and go in life. Take it one day at a time. Try not to let the past compound and build up, only use it as a tool to help guide you in your decision.

From my experience, my man was not able to deal with health issues and was selfish. He swept everything under the rug and refused to accept the way I felt as it didn't matter to him. I tried because I had children. Now we are seperated, it was hard but there was a reason for it. My life is much happier now. I am not saying that will happen to you but it's something to think about if your at the end and he is nonresponsive to your needs.

Good luck.

Answer 3

Sadly, the behaviors you have expressed that are being exhibited by your hubby are those of a very immature young man, who really isn't ready to be married and take the responsibilities of being married.

I know that you love him, but love is not enough. There has to be some practicality and realism to being married and now having your family unit be just that . . . you and he, together. That's your family now, not long lost dad's, not friends not seen in a few months, and not leaving your job for building a lost relationship with a father you haven't known (i.e. sperm donor ONLY).

I'm not one to suggest dissolving marriages, because I believe there is much greater value in marriage than any other basic unit of society. But you need to get this marriage annulled. Give it a few more years when you can maybe come back together, a little older, wiser, and financially more sound. Chalk it up to a lesson learned. Expensive, I know, but the cost for a full divorce in the future . . . WITH KIDS??!? Please, please, get this marriage annulled before this week is out, and ABSOLUTELY be using two or more forms of birth control!

Sorry. You made a mistake. Don't compound the mistake by continuing to try and be hopeful for a change. You'll change before he will. I know men. I am one.

Dave

Answer 4

I have to ask- What’s your age and How long did you 2 see each other prior to getting married?
Why I’m asking, didn’t you see signs of this type of behavior prior to getting married?
If not – then this may be something he is going through. Possibly feeling that he’s lost his freedom and is attempting to prove this is not the case – by spending WAY too much time with his friend and father. (and proving he can up and quit his job, without talking to you first) It seems as if he is working VERY hard to prove he doesn’t have to answer to you.
BTW.. “he even quit his job and dad was one of the reasons why.” -- REALLY a bad sign that he was not ready to settle down.

In a relationship, or marriage, you should become a team—You have his back, he should have yours. No one person or issue should get between you. If anything it should make both of you a stronger team. You work together to improve each others lives.

Your main option right now.. you have to talk to him. Tell him you would not treat him this way, and do not appreciate or respect him treating you like this. Ask him to make changes for the betterment of your marriage.
And if he doesn’t…
I’m hoping you’re a strong enough woman that, if you don’t see him getting his sh!#$t together, you will realize this was not a great choice of a partner and move on.
Better to get out early, then to stick with someone for years, and years- hoping they will change.

Answer 5

First, is this a marriage that has been a long time coming? In other words, have you been living together for several years and all this was doing was concreting something that was already in place... then I can excuse some of his behavior.

However, in general, I find this behavior baffling. Wanting to spend more time with a friend rather than his NEW wife? Quiting his job to spend time with his 'long lost' father? This guy has some serious 'stuff' going on in his head right now. This should be the most 'intense' part of your marriage, if he is acting like this now... imagine what he will be like in 10 years!?

Answer 6

Be glad that you don't have children. Please, before deciding to do that, seek help, or do some soul searching, or do whatever it takes to really know if you two are going to be happy for the rest of your life.

If you are already thinking, "Okay, I'm just going to have to make this work" then something is wrong.

I'm just saying that there is always the option of realizing it was a mistake early on, but once kids become involved it can be a whole lot more difficult as many feel that they need to stay together to provide the kids with a (hopefully) stable parental environment.

Answer 7

Ok, I'm confused. I am totally in agreement with Tricia R. You can't have a wedding shower as that is held before the wedding and you don't throw your own wedding shower anyway. Usually your bridesmaids or an aunt or friends hosts the shower. IT IS perfectly fine to host a housewarming party, now that you have your house as you said. So....why on earth are you hosting a housewarming party at a church? If you wanted to wait until you moved into your house, then have it at your house! Do you not have your house yet? Well, then wait until you are moved in and have a proper housewarming at your house. I have been to many housewarming parties and they are nice, but they are always held AT the house. And you don't play games at a housewarming. Put out some food and drinks (it can be non-alcoholic) - tea, punch, lemonade, and enjoy your guests! No games needed.

Answer 8

You really do have a communication problem don't you?
Were you two ever friends? I have been married 27 years to my "best friend". Where you just began your marriage on such a rocky start, I would suggest counseling ASAP if you want this thing to last. If he is not listening now where do you see yourself 10 years from now? Good luck princess!

Answer 9

my dear,it sounds like your hubby is trying to avoid the unavoidable,responsabilities.how long did you two dated before getting married?you dont mention ages either,so i guess trying some couples therapy cant hurt,he is also avoiding you,do you have any doubts about his sexuallity?because who takes his best friend to their honeymoon? i dont know but theres something lurking in the shadows,if he quitted his job,did you two agreed on this decision? my love ,you are a newlywed and dealing whith all this changes when you are supposed to be walking in to a stable and caring relationship sorroundings. try to start again and seek all the help you can,if nothing changes,(make sure you set a deadline for yourself,of how long and how much you are willing to take this.)end it.may god see you thru and guide your steps,is easy to get divorced,the hardest to stay married,but if you are not happy,you will not able to make anyone else happy either.it goes both ways!!! good luck!!!

Answer 10

You and your husband have just formed a new family, and that should be the first priority for both of you, even if you didn't get to take a honeymoon. Everything else should come second. Be patient, but also be careful, it doesn't sound like a good start to me.