Twisted Axioms?

Question

Give me a new twist on the following familiar sayings. Invent a new way to say the same thing -or- give it a new ending:

1. The early bird gets the worm.

2. Measure twice. Cut once.

3. An apple a day keeps the doctor away.

4. People who need people are the luckiest people in the world.

5. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

XXXandra - Very nice! The "early worm" and "cut one of these days" - I'm still smiling.

Wofie banged out some hits! Now we got the early cat messing things up. And the people with peepholes end up getting caugth a lot sooner if their cutting ends in "...whoops."

That was tart, Veggie. Very well done!

Juliet, though you be blue your wit by any other color would seem just as whacked ...and deep. Nice pair there...whacked and deep.

Numbsain, you're my kinda carpenter. Cut it long, then keep cutting off little bits until it fits.

staceyb, you need to upgrade your health plan so you don't have to use Dr. Kevorkian as your primary care physician.

My favorites:

1. The early bird eats the early worm which really only serves to fatten up the bird for the earlier cat. So, what's the point because who wants a worm anyway? I'll sleep in and get a donut later.

2. Measure. Measure. Cut. Whoops. @#$%. Measure. Cut. !@#$%^&*. Cut. !@#$%^&*()_. Cut. (*&^%&%@*&^%$#$%^&&^%$$. Where's the Mylanta. Here's the saw Billy. Make your own #$%^&* birdcage!

3. Numbsaind: Doc, you gotta help me. I been eating 6 apples a day and I'm still plugged up like nobody's business.

Doc: Well, bend over and let's have a look.

WHAM!!!

Doc: OW!!! !@#$%^! Why'd you hit me with that 2x4?

Numbsain: I don't like people poking into my "business".

Doc: Well, fine then. Here's your apples back. I thought you said you ate them. And, did you know you've got a tapeworm? You can pay Nurse Stacey on the way out.

Paxil? Are you crazy?! Who me? I wasn't talking to me, I was talking to him? Him, who? You him, that's who. Me? What do you want? Well, it's not Paxil. I don't need Paxil, I need people, ...or peepholes, ...peephole people. I knead ...I kneed peephole people ...perverts. ...Aw, just put on a Striesand CD and give me a massage.

5. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times shame on you. Fool me four times shame on me. Fool me five times, fool me six times. Shame on me, fool. Me seven times shame on. You ...me, lets fool around. For shame.

Answer 1

1. The early bird gets the worm, but I'd rather sleep in and have a donut.

2. Think twice. Speak once.

3. Six apples a day keeps eight doctors away ( 1 1/3 doctors kept away per apple)

4. People who knead people are ... massage therapists!

5. Klingon proverb: Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, prepare to die! (I didn't make this one up, but couldn't resist!)

Or maybe GWB's version - "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me... fool me twice... [pause] We can't get fooled again!"

Answer 2

1. The early bird gets eaten by the earlier cat.

2. Measure, cut, whoops.

3. Garlic a day keeps the doctor way away.

4. People who need peepholes are the perverted people in
the world.

5. Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'll beat
the crap out of you.

Answer 3

1: The early bird may get the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

2: Procrastinator's Motto: Measure twice, cut one of these days.

3: An Apple a day keeps Bill Gates at bay.

4: Paxil: Because people who need people are the loneliest people in the world.

5: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice... you better watch your back!

Answer 4

1) The early bird gets the worm--but who wants a worm?
2) Measure twice, cut once. Then curse because both measurements were different and they were wrong.
3) An apple a day keeps the grocery store in business.
4) People who need people are neurotic.
5) Fool me once, shame on -- shame on you. Fool me -- can't get fooled again (okay, that's Dubya's finest moment, but really, how can you do it better).

Answer 5

1. The early worm pisses off the late worm running the yellow so he flips him the bird.

2. measure twice, add the two numbers then you have
plenty of margin for error.

3. Doctors recommended treatment for tapeworm: shove an apple a day up your **** for a week. On the 8th day, don't do it and when the tapeworm pokes his head out and says: "Hey! Where's my apple!?" the early bird gets him.

4. I may have multiple personalities, but I'm good people.

5. Fool around with me once? YEAH! WELL SHAME TO YOU, YA SHTUPID SHLUT!!!

Answer 6

1. The early bird gets the worm.
The early bird gets stuck in rush hour traffic.

2. Measure twice. Cut once.
My doctor says Mylanta.

3. An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
If you can hit him squarely between the eyes.

4. People who need people are the luckiest people in the world. Co-dependence kills.

5. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me three times shame on you Fool me four times shame on me Fool me five times Fool me six times shame on me Fool me seven times shame on me