Question....married women, what should I do?

Question

Would you hold it against your husband for saying something that really hurts you, in the heat of a bad fight, when you say mean things too? We are seeing a counselor right now. He usually says mean things after I hit, these fights don't happen too often but, when they do I feel terrible. Please be honest, but only nice anwers, please. I know I have to work on myself I
had a hard childhood, my brother was a bully and very volatile
I remember always living in fear that something would tick him off. My husband and I have 2 boys 1 and five. My husband is not all that bad we both work, and he's a hard worker, does housework and is a good dad. I just think he should be more considerate of my defensiveness. I just hate when he shows anger towards me, because of my childhood I don't handle it very well. I really feel like geting a divorce, relationships are too hard, I just can't handle them, I just want to be alone with my 2 boys. Words hurt. advice?

My husband doesn't know about my childhood, Im afraid he'll use it against me.

Unfortunately I haven't had the luck that other people have. When people find out what really gets to me they always used it against me, and this includes my
my sister when I was growing up and my husband.

Answer 1

If you can't handle relationship with your husband you will not be able to handle one with your kids. Marriage is about trust and honesty and you have not been honest with your husband. I am glad you are getting counseling but, if you don't tell your hubby about it then how can you hold it over him cause he doesn't understand something he doesn't know????

Answer 2

Okay, obviously there's more going on if you are fighting that bad. But, for starters, you must tell him about your childhood fears. That will help him understand why you react the way you do. I had similar issues with a verbally abusive father. But, I have to tell you, you CANNOT hold your husband accountable for the actions of someone else. Unfortunately, it mostly lies within you. YOU have to decide not to react that way. It is NOT easy.

My advice, try to set up an individual session with the counselor. That way you can talk to the counselor about these issues first. Then the counselor can help you address these concerns with your husband. You have the best resource available to you right now by being in counseling. Take advantage of it! Also, think of it this way, if your husband is willing to go to marriage counseling, then he wants the marriage to work!

Best of luck!

Answer 3

First, you have selected this man to be your PARTNER in life; someone you can share anything with. You are cheating him out of being able to understand your defensiveness when you hide your childhood from him. Why would he hold it against you? He loves you and is probably frustrated over the fighting also. Your mate should be the one person you can confide anything to, without fear of blame or anger or guilt. You have anger issues and you also need to get it all out so you can deal with it. It won't go away by itself. Bet you will be surprised that he will be understanding and supportive, once he knows the reason for your anger. Look, don't hold his words against you; he is also reacting to your harsh words and hitting. You should never resort to hitting anyone unless you are defending your life. Also, how about thinking and counting to 10 before just letting out the hurtful words; it does work. Take care.

Answer 4

I have a similar problem with my husband. I am really aggressive and somehow really mean when I get mad at him. My husband doesn’t say many things but with his actions he says it all. My case was that I always have to be the stronger one and I get tired of all the pressure. Although I know words can be more hurtful than physical violence.

I think you should take the first and right step which is “do not say mean things”, count to ten, to 20, to a 1000 first. Try to heal things with your husband. I want to disappear too, but that is not the answer. Work on that issue (the anger issue)first, then disappear, But don’t disappear before working on the issue first for that would be really immature and wooulnt be resolving the heart of the matter.

Answer 5

Now you are an adult, and you are in control of your actions. You cannot blame the past so much, instead you must accept your childhood and become a better person than what you grew up with. Do you want your children to feel the same way you feel when they grow up? Its good that you are seeing a counselor- he or she can help you break these cycles. So that is the first step, I think you are doing the right thing. Break the cycles, and stay with your family. Make it a happy home.

Answer 6

sweet rese,

Hey shug you know when i see your questions i always have to give you my two cents. Well girlie I don't understand why you think he should be understanding of you defensiveness when he doesn't even know where its coming from I mean if i was just mean to a co worker today just down right mean and they took offense i would not be able to expect them to be ok with my attitude especially if they have no idea where its coming from. Ma you have got to let your self grow as a person its not often we find a person who is willing to stick it out with us no matter what you have found that in your husband no body is perfect you are included in that it just seems as though you hold on to everything he does but he has forgiven the things you have done. Take a chapter out of his book and try letting go and moving forward you can't grow if you stay in the past good luck shug

Answer 7

When couples fight, things are always said that no one means. That always bothered me when my husband and I fought, but I realized that he really doesn't mean it, so no, I do not hold it against my husband when he says things he doesn't mean. (He worked on that, and he rarely does now.)

He sounds like a great person, and he probably would try even harder to not say mean things if he knew about your childhood. When you are married, there should be no secrets. Everything that has happened to you has made you who you are. Things that happen when you are fighting (other than physical abuse) shouldn't be grounds for divorce.

When people get angry, they say things they don't mean, and its good that you are going to counseling...hopefully you will realize this.

Answer 8

My husband and I used to be that way. We went to counseling for it and she said the worst thing a married couple can do is call each other names because you won't forget them. My husband was always the one to call the names and they hurt me badly and it turned me off from him. Since then he has really changed. He has done a 360 turn around in our marriage. The fights were few and far between but when it happened it was a horrible feeling. Counseling really made him see the light.

Answer 9

Hang on. You want your husband to be more understanding of your defensiveness and yet, he has no idea where it's coming from?! Don't you think you're asking for a little much here?

For a marriage to work, you need to allow yourself to be vulnerable to your partner.

Seek counseling for yourself and deal with what happened when you were a child....then start working on your marriage...telling him your past will be a huge step for a future together.

If you think relationships are hard, being a single parent of two boys won't be any easier. Don't fool yourself.

I wish you and yours, peace and happiness.

Answer 10

First - there shouldn't be anything you can't tell your spouse. Glad to hear you're in therapy but if your hiding things, therapy won't help. Open up.
Second - yes, words hurt but so does physically hitting. Don't hold on to the words, it's the actions that count. Maybe if you stop hitting him, he won't lash out verbally.