My husband is defensive when it comes to his 8 year old niece. How can I voice my opinion about her to him?

Question

Without making him feel that I am picking on her? Her, and my inlaws, came to spend the weekend with us. As usual, after 45 minutes of her being there the house was in total chaos. She runs from one end of the house to the other. She plays hide-n-seek (with herself). She does cartwheels and she rolls on the floor with her head buried in the carpet. When my inlaws tell her to stop, she won’t stop right away. She’ll sit and stare them in the eyes and THEN stop, but only for 5 minutes or so. She does the same thing to my husband, whom she takes as a total joke. She hangs off my mother inlaw, literally, and acts like an infant that needs to be nursed. She plays with my mother inlaw’s ears and nose and that is how she falls asleep, in my mother inlaw’s lap. As usual, the adults were playing cards and it was late (after 10 p.m.). This child ran in and out of the guest bedroom back to where we were and was trying to manipulate my mother inlaw so she could come to bed, because she was sleepy.

She was constantly asking if she could play and every 5-10 minutes she wanted to know if we were done and if we were going to play another game. When my inlaws told her they didn’t know how many more games we’d be playing, she frowned her face and stomped and pulled up a chair right next to my mother inlaw. Then she gets in my mother inlaw’s lap and wraps her arms around her neck while she is trying to play cards. This is usually the case. My father inlaw was watching TV and she changed the channel. He told her to change it back and instead she took the remote and headed out the room. My mother inlaw told her to give it back to him and she threw it on the bed and it almost hit him. My mother inlaw made her pick it up and put it in his hand, but then she came out the room and cried. My husband told her she could watch TV in our office (which rewarded her behavior in my opinion). She then closes the door because we were “being too loud”.

He had already told her not to touch the computer (which he and I had it out about before). Sure enough, after they left yesterday we discovered she had tried to lookup a website but didn’t know how to spell it. She talks back to my husband and my inlaws like you wouldn’t believe. My mother inlaw is the only person that can halfway get her to act right. The sad thing is that her parents (my husband’s brother whom was adopted) are not together, and neither of them take time with her so she spends 90% of her time with my inlaws and they spoil her and reward her for acting crazy. At first I was quiet, but after seeing this child in action over the past 3 years I finally spoke up about 8 months ago. Why did I do that? My husband accused me of picking on her and he gets frustrated because I tell him that they, including him, need to make her respect them and discipline her. He and his parents have made comments that she is not their child. What does that have to do with anything?

She’s with you all most of the time so you need to make her mind. She acts like a wild heathen at my inlaws house, but does that mean you should allow her to act that way at other people’s house? She walks through the house with soda, snowcones, food, candy, whatever. It will start off with my mother inlaw or husband telling her to eat at the table in the kitchen (which is my preference). But after a while they just let her do whatever because they are worn down with her disobedience. When we are talking she butts in. I remember back when I was growing up you didn’t engage in a conversation with “grown folks”, period! On the sly, I will tell her to stop doing this and stop doing that but I try to say it in a nice way because my husband will get offended. I asked him why he gets offended when he knows she is a terror. He said I need to express my feelings to his mom. I asked if he thought she would get offended and he said probably. What can I do? I don’t like being around this child.

Answer 1

I was around a child this weekend that acted a lot like what you just said. I figure it wasn't my place to tell them how to raise their child. But it is my place to tell the child how to treat me and my stuff. I do not ask permission from the parents. I will put the child in time out if they do not listen. I'm patient though and I do give children a chance to be children. They don't often listen the first 20 times you tell them something. As for how things were back in the day, well I don't know about you but I used to get spanked and sometimes it was with objects like a belt or a switch. Most adults don't use these things to install respect in their children anymore. Now days it's like you said, reward bad behavior because the child has figured out bad behaviors get them what they want. Anyway, it is your house, you set the rules. If the child has food in a room you don't want it in, you take it away. If the child does cartwheels in the house, you tell her to stop and to take it outside. If your husband gets upset you can simply say I'm doing what I think is right and I'm taking care of my business. You deal with her your way and I'll do it mine.

Answer 2

It's not the childs fault, it's the adults not setting boundaries. You should talk to their pediatrician or a child psychologist. Convince them to get serious about this brat, or get ready to help care for a newborn when she's pregnant at 14. Kids have to receive rewards for good behavior and punishments when they act out. She needs to learn right from wrong. Do you think any of them are gonna say NO when she wants to run with the wrong crowd? If any of my kids acted like that they'd have ZERO toys, no friends over, no games, forget TV & DVD's, never get desserts again, kiss treats goodbye, and that computer is off limits, too...they'd get nothing. She'll end up in juvenile hall before she gets out of middle school. Kids without guidance or structure always do.

Answer 3

It sounds like this child is acting out to get attention. That being said, her parents lack of parenting skills is not your problem. Invite your in-laws over for dinner and have a serious discussion about the rules of your house and make it clear that if the child is not disciplined and can't mind her manners, she's not welcome. I hate people who bring their "little darlings" around and expect everyone else to put up with their nonsense. It sounds like this child has some emotional issues but they're really not doing that kid any favors by allowing her to run around like a little savage. If she was 2, that might be a bit different but 8 is plenty old enough to understand appropriate behavior.

Answer 4

I agree letting her watch T.V. in the office did reward her behavior, but you should have went in right behind her and shut down the computer if you don't want her to mess with it. Is it possible to lock your bedroom doors. If it's not, I would change the door handle with locking ones. That would limit the amount of terror she can do around the house. The sad truth is, she does need to be more respectful, but nobody is making her, so if you don't want your house destroyed, it's going to be up to you to be on the defense. It's easier to put things up, or lock doors than it is to clean the mess and buy new stuff to replace the broken/stained things.

Answer 5

Show the child a little love, not rewarding her wrongs for example, buy her a nice gift and let your husband see it. THEN, set your rules for her whenever she visits your home . The gift will proove to your husband that you do not hate his niece as a person but you dislike her crazy behaviours. Also let him know in a very loving way that this child will become a delinquent if not checked from now. However there is little you can do as long as your mother in law and her husband tolerates her bad behaviours. You just set the rules in ur home...with ur husband's consent and understanding.

Answer 6

Sounds like she is spoiled rotten and everyone is too afraid to discipline her! Is she the only grandchild? Are there others around she can play with? What I would do is make sure you provide her with things to occupy her... age appropriate video games and movies... how about some arts and crafts?

Answer 7

You can either except the child as she is or not let her come back over the choice is yours, she is not your child so that's really your only choices. Personally if she was mine i would spank her little rear and send her to bed.

Answer 8

so the child is extremely spoiled, so what. its not like she's at your house all the time or destroying your things. however, i would talk to your hubby about setting some rules for her while she is in your home. set some rules and then agree upon some consequences if the rules are broken. in the long run, there is nothing you can do about her behavior.

Answer 9

be honest with them, kids like that need discipline in the worst way, i myself would not put up with her either, and the parents need to realize that

Answer 10

Tell him straight out that if they don't take charge of your husbands nieces behavior that they are not welcome in the house. If he starts in on you, tell him to go **** himself and get with the program. My ex wife that I still fool around with constantly tells me to shut the **** up. I don't, but she still sticks up for herself. Give it a try.