poem?comments. suggestions welcome?

Question

this poem is based on the "dagger of the mind" in macbeth as shown in polanski's movie version of macbeth

waiting for it
for the bell to ring
alone in the dark
i remain hidden

not sure what to do
unable to distinguish the truth
what's right? what's wrong?
everything seems to be mixed up

this dagger i see
all so real to me
pointing me the way
to where king duncan lays

it's tempting, i know
he's in my territory
everything's planned
just one step to victory

a step closer
an attempt to grab
the floating dagger
though failure still prevails

whenever i touch it
it suddenly fades
my mind i starting
to play tricks on me.

.....
it seems incomplete...

i need comments.
suggestions.

help.!

thanks in advance

"my mind is starting"

typo.

sorry.

i rushed making this because this is still going to be turned into a song and i still need to make a tune for it so it's a little like that.

so if you have any suggestions on how i can improve this i would really appreciate it.

Answer 1

this dagger i see
all so real to me
pointing me the way
to where king duncan lays

says Lies not lays.

great poem overall

Answer 2

I'm a little confused...if this is going to be turned into a song, shouldn't the beats be consistant? For example, "this dagger I see" and "unable to distinguish the truth"...the second phrase has almost twice as many beats. This holds true throughout the poem. You could correct this in most cases by using contractions and cutting away superfluous words, as in changing "though failure still prevails" to read "though failure prevails".

Be careful of typos as in "my mind i starting"...if you used the correct form of the personal pronoun "I" you might have caught that one...it should have been "my mind is starting". On the subject of "i", I'm mystified as to why so many people insist on using the diminutive "i"...it isn't cute, humble or noble, it is simply wrong. Psychologists say it is a sign of inadequacy, self-doubt and a submissive personality, but whatever the cause, you can certainly correct the misdiagnosis by simply writing "I" instead of "i". You're a poet, so you need to express yourself correctly.

On the poem itself, a few things stand out. You're chosen an unrhymed style (for the most part), so word choice is more open. This being the case, you should say "where king Duncan lies". Lay and Lie are two very often misused words. "Lay" is to put something down, "lie" is to rest or recline. The confusion comes from the simple past tense of "lie", which is "lay". So you could say "where king Duncan lay", but not "lays" (lays would be the simple present form of lay, as in he lays the stones very carefully).

As far as the poem sounding incomplete...well, it is. You've failed to make a point. One more stanza might finish it up, but you'll have to make your point in for lines...so choose your words wisely. You need to show how this dagger's ethereal presence is either your undoing, portends disaster, is as far as you should take this plan...something, otherwise it's just a snippet of something larger and more complete.

Lastly, I'd recommend changing "just one step to victory" to "just one thrust from victory" or "one thrust from victory" as the dagger image that follows will reinforce the idea of death by blade.

...keep writing, and good luck on your song

Answer 3

Good job once again. Haha. This time, it has this sense of confusion and not knowing where to go, yet there are all these temptations all around set to make you fall in your path. I like the way it is put across. It is not direct, as in you do not use straightforward language, but you chose to write it in a poetic form. This is good as people will be left to guess and wonder about the content of you poem.

I love it, especially the imagery here, eg "whenever i touch it, it suddenly fades". That is cool, honestly. I am impressed. For that, you really deserve a clap. No, more than one clap. Keep writing! :)

Answer 4

I really felt the echoes in this poem. It moved me. I could almost see a child in the tangled yard. I would change one word only and take out the word "one" in the second last line of the fourth stanza. The poem feels deeply personal so I would put reminding instead: reminding that life moves on. I actually thought about echoes and wrote the word before I read the title and the last line. You have a talent with writing and make this forlorn place come alive with your words..

Answer 5

last stanza sounds betta if u say:
whenever i touch it
it suddenly fades
my mind its startin
to tricks it did play or something along those lines. its a good poem but it kinda gives the vibe that its not about the obvious u kno?