How to handle a husband with a roving eye and a sexual fetish?

Question

I've been married 7 yrs.(a 2nd marriage for both of us) and we are christians. Yet, my husband can't keep his eyes off of pretty girls and women. He is not offended by movies with nudity and calls me a prude when I object to him watching them. He has no consideration for my feelings. I'm hurt and lonely. Some friends say I should leave him, but I do love him. He also has a fetish which he satisfies partly by what he views on youtube. He lies without any hesitation to cover what he's doing, but I have proof of what he does. I'm really confused about what to do. Any advice? Thanks

Addition: We have had counseling; he bailed. I am anything but a prude in the bedroom, he is totally satisfied there. I am a great cook. He has never been happier, so he says. His first marriage was never happy (27) yrs. He's 56, I'm 59. I do EVERYTHING for him. He does very little for me. It's ALL ABOUT HIM.

Final addition: he is a wonderful christian in so many ways. He just has this sexual weakness that he hides and no one would believe about him. He's a fraud in so many ways.

Answer 1

Re: I do EVERYTHING for him. He does very little for me. It's ALL ABOUT HIM. He calls me a prude, lies, and has no consideration for my feelings. Final addition: he is a wonderful christian in so many ways. He just has this sexual weakness that he hides and no one would believe about him. He's a fraud in so many ways.
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I read some of the posts and although most won't agree - there is a different way in which Christians are required to live vs. the secular world. God said it -- that is just the way it is. You can choose to accept it or reject it. Totally your choice and that is between you and God.

Adultery is a sin (yes all -- like it or not. The bible says -- looking or even thinking about someone else in a sexual way that is not your spouse is a sin).

Based on scripture -- your description of your husband's behavior not "Christian" in any way. You can pray on it, refresh your memory by reading God's word found in multiple scriptures that relates to your current circumstance, talk to your pastor or simply read your own statements. Oh yea - you don't need anyone on this board to tell you what to do, and you should also have your friends stay out of your business on this matter. We can't fix this.

This needs to be between God, yourself, your husband, and your pastor/counselor. Hope it works out for you.

Blessings to you and your family

Answer 2

This is a tough one. Maybe he acts like he has no considerations for your feelings because you are not very understanding of his. You think he needs to stop his behavior and he doesn't. There has to be a compromise in there somewhere. That's what a marriage is all about, right? Try having a serious talk with him.

I haven't met anyone who doesn't appreciate a good looking person when they see one. And, his visual stimulation is arousing to him. At least he isn't' out playing around and cheating.

Think this over seriously. My husband does the same things. At first, I was very insecure and a little jealous. After years I realized it really wasn't a big deal. My husband is unfailingly faithful and devoted to me. It took me a wile to get over my insecurities but i eventually adjusted and even learned to use it to my advantage in the bedroom.

There are some extreme cases, though. I don't know which category your husband falls into but, if he is getting to the point where he cannot preform without this kind of stimulation then there is a problem. I would suggest counseling to overcome.

I hope all works out well for you. Just keep in mind that marriage isn't easy. It's al ot of work and both of you have to be comfortable with the others faults as well as strengths. God Bless.

Answer 3

As far as the roving eye, many mature men have them; hell men period. It is not unusal, however I understand the feeling of inadequacy when you see what he is looking at and know you can never be it (like a dead ringer for Angelina Jolie!) but come on, he is just doing a little wishful thinking. I think it is harmless, provided that he isn't making moves to follow through with anything adulterous. As far as the movies, men are very visual creatures; if he wants t watch, I am not sure if that is a bad thing. If you don't want to, I don't think it makes you a prude, but why not meet him half way? Perhaps you two can make your own sexy video/ Let him see that you are willing to help him fulfill some of his sexual fantasies, and he should be JUST as willing to fulfill yours. As far as his fetish, here is where you may have a problem. I have seen fetishes with married people not willing to be a part of their "kink" or simply didn't know about it, their mate did step out sometimes to fulfll their needs. But I have seen it too, where the mate decides that their partner is worth more than the'r fetish and keep it in the fantay world. I really think you need to talk with your mate and find out exactly how much h needs this fetish fulfilled and determine if maybe you want to be a part of it, or in you aren't comfortable with it, let him know. Honesty is key here. By the by, what IS his fetish? Just nosy I guess...Blessings....

Answer 4

Men are wired totally different from us but we all have our own fetishes. Whether it be shoes, books, chocolate or sexually explicit materials. If he is only looking and not touching let him be. He is in his fifties and he is not going to change no matter what you say or do. The only thing you can control is yourself and how you react. Consider this as if he had a disease like diabetes or lost his leg in an accident. Would you love him any less if it was a physical ailment and not a mental one? This is his own mental disease and if he doesnt want to cure it or see anything wrong with it then I am sorry but you are SOL. He is who he is. Now if he starts touching other women then you have a definite right to leave his butt! Also think about one of your faults. Are you messy or majorly into soap operas or any other thing you do that annoys him? We all have a fault that is hard or even impossible to get over. Remember the forgiving nature of Christ. If he can forgive your husband who are you not to?

Answer 5

You know - I read this and I can understand why you are confused, but I can also sympathize with your husband. OK - he's lying to cover what he's doing. Why is he lying? Well, it's because he knows how you will react. He knows that if he tells the truth, you will be all over him about it.

So he looks at other women - geesh - lighten up! Just because you're on a diet doesn't mean you can't look at the menu. And for goodness sake - I've seen American Pie many times and the nudity in that is MILD!!

I see a couple of problems here. One, you need to loosen up a bit. What two people do in their own home and within the confines of their marriage is perfectly fine. I think you do seem to be acting a bit prudish and I think you're driving a wedge between you and your husband. You're making him fearful of opening up to you and making him hide things that he thinks you would not approve of.

If you are unable to accept what he does, then you should get out now before it gets worse and turns ugly. You say he has no consideration for your feelings - what about your consideration for his feelings???? Is it either your way or else? That's basically what you're saying.

Enough said. If you can't compromise, then you should just get out. Maybe you'll find someone who is willing to live the way you want them to live.

Answer 6

If you dislike the movies he should be willing to watch them either when you are not home or in another movie, and I see no problem in asking that he refrain from watching extreme nudity when you are around. Minor nudity or a movie that shows a naked chick for 3 seconds is probably something you could be willing to watch.

The fetish, what is it? It can't be that extreme if he's getting off while watching youtube. Look for a way to compromise with this. Is it really a bad thing that you are offended by and don't want in your house or anywhere near you or is is something that is really very minor and you could even help satisfy him with.

Most men, and even women look and pretty people, it is human nature. Is he outright staring and making outrageous remarks?

You need to sit down with yourself and think about your personalities, it seems as though you are more strict with your religion and he is more of an in-name-only kind. If you think it is something where if both of you compromise you can get through it and stay together, try to compromise, try it two or three times. If not, then start thinking about what other things you can do, or the both of you can do. But what definitely has to go is him calling you names when you dislike watching something.

Answer 7

My uncle once told me,"the day I stop looking at the scenery, shoot me." How serious is it really. I've got an uptight wife too. Look, it's one thing to walk through a mall and see an extremely attractive women. You might even have to do a double take to make sure it wasn't a hallucination. It 's different if you have to walk in the opposite direction so you can keep looking.

Second...nudity in movies...my wife and I were watching American Pie. She rented it mind you, because somebody told her how funny it was. Well out comes the nudity and she tries slapping her hands over my eyes. I'm not 8 for Crissakes. So, I found that to be a bit prudish. Now, if he's locked naked in a room with you tube, the dog and a gallon of vegetable oil, then you might have to worry. Otherwise his friends could be emailing him funny crap.

If the dog doesn't run everytime your husband comes home, I think he's ok.

And if thats the case you should call the doctor and get a prescription....for two orgasms so you can lighten up.

Answer 8

Yup, sounds familiar. I had one like that too. I finally caught him cheating and left him. He's been married and divorced 3 times now. Some men just never learn; some have sexual weaknesses they just don't know how to overcome. Then, some of them just don't want to.

Your husband sounds selfish, disrespectful, and thoughtless, with no regard for you and your feelings. If you really do love him, I'd suggest counseling. It didn't work for me, but maybe it would work for you. If you are a member of a church group, I'd talk to your pastor or church leader. Sometimes they can be of help. If things don't change, I'd leave and find someone else that loves and respects YOU!

Good luck.

Answer 9

Well if him doing things online bothers you, you could install a program that blocks objectionable content from nonauthorized users (like Net Nanny). It's about $50 and pretty reliable. Otherwise, I hate to say it, but he is the way he is. At that age, I don't think many people make significant changes to their preferences. It's possible that if you left (or threatened to leave) he'd want to change to keep you around, but that's no given and he may well change right back if you agreed to stay. So either you have to learn to live with it, or you do have to leave. I hope you find something that works; I know how hard that can feel.

Answer 10

A zebra never changes his stripes he is old and set in his ways he will not change and worst of all hes hiding behind God ....If his sexual fetishes are bothersome and make you feel uncomfortable then thats a problem ...you should be able to be comfortable with your husband and enjoy being intimate with him ...He should show you respect in public the occasional glance isn't the end of the world but there should always have respect life is too short to be unhappy and this being your second marriage you already know this