Rate this poem on the scale of 1-10(along with ur comments if any amendments r to be made).?

Question

I walk amid the road,
With eyes running down the bend,
Seeing people beetling in hurry,
Their faces exudind gay and worry.
But rends my heart to the fullest,
Are the desperate bleeding souls,
Jowled,tired,ragged,homeless............
Hands held up crooked or joined,
And heartless people flip down the coin.
I wonder the misery of these homeless beings,
Contented with the smallest crumbs coming their way,
No matter how hard is the day,
No matter how long remains the night.
Eyes gleaming,they always smile in pain,
Hoping for a rainbow after the rain .

i wud appreciate all the comments n work on my weak pts !

NO INDECENT COMMENTS PLEASE !!!

Answer 1

Nayan:
Yours is a descriptive poem and you transmit the hopelessly of a bunch of people begging for something to sooth their situation. A thing I really liked is the symbolism of the rainbow. The hope at the end of a fiery storm.
I do not know in English, but in Spanish we have great poets exploring new trends in poetry without rhyme, without counting the syllables, but their use of rhythm and use of words is so powerful, so expresive that we -the readers- do not care about what is left out, we love it and enjoy it.
f.
PD 9.9

Answer 2

I'd give it a 4...here's why: you have some good images, but you need some serious editing. You say you walk "amid" the road...no can do. "Amid" means to be "amongst"...and you can't be "amongst" the road. This is called a malapropism. I think you were looking for something that said you were walking in the middle of the road...correct? If so, "amid" is not the correct word. I liked the "eyes running down the bend", it was a great metaphor and personification. I also thought your verb creation of "beetling" clever, but you need to add a word between "in" and "hurry", as in "in a hurry" or "in their hurry". Then you say "exudind"...which is not a real word. You can say "exude" or "exuded", but if you use the past tense "exuded" you'll have a tense conflict with "I walk...the road" (exuded is past tense, I walk is present). You also end the line "gay and worry" with a period...but turn around and say "But rends my...". Which is it to be? Are you going to end the thought or carry it through to the next line? If the "but rends" line is the start of a new thought, you need to start it differently. For example, if you want to say "But what rends my heart to the fullest are the...", then you need to add the "what". Then you provide an image of the "jowled, tired, ragged, homeless...hands held up crooked or joined"...and say "and heartless people flip down the coin". Are you trying to create the image of heartless people giving money to the poor? If so, how can you call them heartless? Also, the word "flip" has a natural "upward" connotation...whereas "toss" tends downward. If you want to use the word "flip", then I'd suggest you say "flip them a coin".
You "wonder the misery"...but you should "wonder about the misery" or "wonder at the misery". I'd also recommend consolidating the two "no matter" lines to read:

No matter how hard the day
Or how long remains the night

and since you rhymed day with way, and pain with rain, you have an orphaned "night"...which you might want to finish off with another line at the end...perhaps, "might end their hopeless plight" giving you an abba rhyme pattern to the last four lines. just a thought.

keep writing

Answer 3

I think I'd give it a 6 out of 10. I really like the subject matter. It's nice to see poems that are not about the relationship that didn't work.
I think I would change it to:

I walk the beaten road,
I carry their hurt, it's a heavy load.
My tears flow amongst these people who hurry.
It's tiring to watch their faces of worry.
It rends my heart, it almost breaks.
at their desperation, homelessness, aches.
Their tired faces and hands so worn,
their hopeless expressions so forelorn.
A kind stranger might ask how they're feeling
I wonder the misery of these homeless beings.
Contented with smallest of crumbs come their way,
they struggle to walk their road each day.
No relief when their day turns to night,
no gleam in their eyes full of fright.
Hardly a word spoken through all of their pain,
hoping for a sunnier day after the rain.

I think it gives the same idea and flows better.

Answer 4

Uhh...3

It's way too long. Here's a better one:

Commas are used to punctuate
I'd love to take you out on a date
I'll buy you a steak
I'll buy you some wine
As long as you promise
To divide this line
You're used in poems
You're used in stories
Oh comma, you're magnificent
In all your glories
You love me
I love you too
If girls have periods
Guys should have you

Answer 5

You are very good. Congratulations! I say a 9.

Answer 6

i kinda lost interest in it. it was boring. I couldn't understand it

~4

Answer 7

6 or 7.

It dosent relli hav much rhythm