rate my poem?

Question

aching body tired mind
will i ever get this out
missing you
dont know what to do
i feel i can
but it breaks all the rules

cant sleep, its already 5
gotta try, i get up at 630
but i cant, its all you
in my mind
dont know if your happy
but thats my only wish

so many things
i need to say to you
dont know where to start
we'll break two hearts if i do
feelings held back for a long time
getting stronger each day

wish it was different
for both of us
alot could have been said
alot could have been done
alot could have been shared
by the both of us

but its now too late
itll all end with fate

Answer 1

alot is actually two words...i was too distracted by that horrible misspelling to notice how good your poem is...

it's ok though ;)

Answer 2

Here's the deal...your poem has promise, but if you're going to write poetry, then there are a few things you need to abide by:

1. Check your spelling; most of your errors would have been caught by a spell checker.

2. Avoid slang; "gotta", "5" instead of "five" or "5:00", "630" instead of "6:30".

3. Grammar; yes, it matters in poetry too. Although you can bend grammatical rules, when you speak in a normal voice it needs to be written correctly. For example, the proper personal pronoun is "I", not "i". The diminutive "i" is an indicator of low self-esteem, self-doubt, self-loathing, and inadequacy...none of which belong in your poem. Although "alot" may sound correct, it is still a bit unconventional. You might say "a lot could..." or "much could...". Also, "your" means something that belongs to you, whereas "you're" means "you are", and you do it correctly some of the time, but not all of the time...and "its" means that something belongs to "it", whereas "it's" means "it is", and "it will" is abbreviated "it'll"...don't forget your apostrophe.

That being said, let's look at the poem itself. Unless your name is e.e.cummings, it's expected that you'll use capitals at the beginning of concepts or lines. It isn't 'hip' to use all lower case, it's just lazy. You're not lazy, or you wouldn't have taken the time to write a poem, so don't do things that make you appear that way...that's all I'm saying.

I'd suggest a comma between "body" and "tired" in the first line, a question mark after "...this out" and possibly an ellipsis after "missing you" so it reads "missing you..." This implies a pause and a break in thought. You might try it again after "I feel I can..." as the next sentence doesn't flow directly from that line...and putting this in there would show mental confusion and a change of direction.

I'd change the line breaks on the second stanza...maybe,

cant sleep...
its already 5:00, got to try,
I get up at 6:30, but I cant,
it's all "you" in my mind
don't know if you're happy
but that's my only wish

And lastly, I'd drop the last two lines completely...they're unnecessary and take away from the strong closing line of the previous stanza..."by the both of us" is a perfect way to end your poem...it implies everything your last two lines says, and it's always better to "imply" (show) rather than "tell".

...keep writing

Answer 3

On a scale of 1 to 10 I would give it a 2.

You are mingling with a post-modern approach, but no quite hitting the spot.

The ending is terrible, it sounds like it has been ripped off some cheap pop song.

No offence intended, but you should try short stories or something, as long as it is not poetry.

Answer 4

Very good! It sounds like you have a break up or bad exp. But that is not any of my bussiness. If you have or have not had this exp it is very good either way. I hope you achieve a good standard of writing, and get what you deserve. With a talent like this you are sure to go far in life.

Best of luck!!

Answer 5

I agree with Cosmin.

so many things, I need to, don't know, a lot could have..,

but its now too late - strange arrangement of same ol' line

itll all end???with fate -help!

Answer 6

I rate it a 6 out of 10. I think it's slightly above average. I think that you should keep writing. It is a great form of self-expression.

Answer 7

Duuuuuuuuuuude! You Rule.

Answer 8

sounds like a familiar daily routine .8 4 tatpoem of yours

Answer 9

I like it. It says a lot of what I've felt personally lately. Articulated well.

Answer 10

90%