My soul mate of 20+ years and I are at an impasse. We have weathered many storms together and each has made our love stronger. Then about 10 years ago things began to slowly slip away. Now at 20 years of marriage we still both love each other.....I'm just not too sure we are in love with each other anymore. We are in a routine that never changes. Neither of us can find things to talk about together when we used to stay up until the wee hours whispering and talking so much that we really didn't want to go to sleep and stop all of the sharing of ourselves with each other. Now we sit on the "love seat" together and watch some t.v. after dinner. We hold hands and speak niceties to each other but we really have no communication between us. Then it's off to bed, kiss, kiss, say I love you and then we turn our backs to each other and go to sleep. Is there any hope for us? Does anyone have any suggestions or advice?This is really serious so please, no silly or meanspirited replies. Help please
2007-09-03 21:00:00 · 27 answers · asked by Linda K 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
i think when you've been with your partner that long your love for each other evolves...you are no longer in love but rather you have that kind of love that stands for companionship and support...at some instances some people also take their partners for granted not because love is not there but because we become too complacent with the relationship and we are too confident that our partners will be with us forever...is there hope for you??? can you go on with your life without your partner? have you imagined what your life would be without him? if you have answered no, then yes there is hope for you...it is up to the both of you to renew and rekindle your love and your passion...go out on dates and little out-of-town trips...surprise your partner with gifts for no reason...relationships are like plants, they need to be nurtured...if you don't give it the care it needs...it dies...
2007-09-03 21:08:15 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I also have been married (the second one) for 20 yrs. now, and I do feel this impasse as well. But, I would rather have this then the fighting and cheating that I had in my first marriage.
I've heard to make a date with your husband, to go out on a date. Do this once a month. Also, if your kids are all gone, you may be experiencing the "empty nesters" syndrome.
Marriages goes through phases from time to time. It sounds like yours is settling in for the duration. That isn't all that bad. Sometimes we get so used to each the other, that when we change, we think something is missing. My husband and I were the same for 16 yrs. Now, we aren't. But that is what love is about, going over those hurdles together. Love isn't always romantic, talking until the wee hours of the morning; sometimes it is just mundane because we do love each other and are comfortable with each other.
2007-09-03 21:17:27 · answer #2 · answered by Ikeg 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Dear Linda,
Congratulation for your long love stay with your soul mate. The situation is boring sure because you both don't hunt for ways of making your live take a different feel in life, I suppose you have the best chance of making lots of surprise to each other. Why not look for a different way of showing love to your partner what is in the T.V for all that long even? Why can't you move for outings and try to have some times away from each other for a while to avoid all the routine kind of a life between the two of you please.while he feels like watching T.V be busy doing some other things in your house just to give a little scope of not being together. Be away for some time even if it's going to take only hours, with your saving and without his knowledge bring him a surprise gift. Once you put all your possible ways to reveal your love to each other I assure you that your love will be refreshed and you will have fun all again whilst together. I feel you should try and find ways for surprises, other wise you will continue this way and your love will not have any taste.
2007-09-03 21:31:56 · answer #3 · answered by dviakal78 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That sounds pretty normal to me. You still hold hands after 20 years, which is so cute. I don't think, after being together this long, a couple is 'in love' any more; it's more of a love between best friends and soul mates that transcends everything else. If you're not happy with the routine, break it. Get out and do something exciting together. Turn off that TV, and go do some of the things you both enjoyed when you were younger!
2007-09-03 21:17:09 · answer #4 · answered by Shayna 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Of course there is hope for you!
I think all marriages go through changes and sometimes those changes make things a little dull or mundane. It can make you feel like you are falling out of love.
Go for a weekend getaway. Go online and look up hotels in your area with "theme rooms". They can be really awesome and just getting out of the house can spark the romance again.
Shut off that TV and play a game of Monopoly or Battleship! It sounds silly, but it will force communication beyond "Can I have the remote?"
Go buy a new lingerie outfit and just put it on before bed. He may think its business as usual until he sees what you are wearing.
Go out to dinner and when the waitress/waiter asks if you want dessert say "no", but wink at your husband. Pay the bill and go to the hotel across the street. Tell him its dessert. Go get a room and have fun!
Just some thoughts.
Good luck.
2007-09-03 22:30:05 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Each of you has quit doing things that you did at first.
1. Turn off the TV and go do something together outside the house.
2. Your conversation is too serious.
3. Leave notes where he can find them.
4. Go get premarital counseling - you do not know him as well as you think that you do.
5. You are boring. Read, study, learn something new that interests you. You are not ready for the AARP yet.
6. Play hard to get but be available. He's not chasing you but he ought to be.
7. Go to bed by 10 p.m. You can finish the talk tomorrow.
What would you discuss with him if he had a limited amount of time left to live and you both knew it (measured in months)? You better believe that the TV would be OFF. I think of my friend Jeff who died in January leaving a wife and 3 grown children often.
2007-09-03 21:05:10 · answer #6 · answered by Thomas K 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Thank goodness you are still talking and holding hands..
Seriously, if the sexual desire is waining.. suggest having his testosterone tested. It may be low. My husband swore nothing wrong.. i said more harm not finding out than doing.. Well, sure enough that was the answer.. Yippie , riding the horsey again...!
Put some spark in your life.. Just because you are married doesn't mean the dating, courting should end. Be creative.. start thinking like you did young.. keep the youth alive.. Go get a room for a night or two out of town. take her to dinner and dance. Can't afford.? .. you can't afford not too.. it's cheaper than a divorce! Go to plays, concerts, blow bubbles outside!, i'm serious... we had a blast.. the youth in the neighborhood thought we were nuts, then went and bought some and joined us!... the adults, smiled, and then one later we heard said to her husband , we haven't laughed like that in years, maybe we should... Go horseback riding, go to the beach and have a catered meal or KFC takeout.. watch the sunset or rise... We never know how long either one of us in a marriage as a partner will have to share their lives with us, it is a gift to have someone to love you . take each day as a blessing of renewed hope and love..
2007-09-03 21:39:22 · answer #7 · answered by miladyfaire 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why not having sweet talk about to regain back those old memories you both had shared. Do you want to put in vain the longest years full hardships and sacrifices both of you had ever surviced of staying married about 20 years ago? Is it easy to put an end to that wonderful relationship you had ever have?
I suggest you need to have a date the both of you outside your home during weekend and enjoy the things you missed up? Leave your home for two days and having full of fun outside. Forget everything the importance is how you attend, cares and love each other while on vacationing. Plan a sex date also once in a while it is a great help for two of you.
2007-09-04 01:10:31 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
When was the last time you took a really good vacation together?
Relationships do change and loving each other but not feeling 'in love' after 20 years is not uncommon.
You can get in new activities and meet new people and then you will have a lot more to talk about.
2007-09-03 21:07:59 · answer #9 · answered by kathyw 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You are very lucky to have someone that has loved you for so long. Don't through it away because things seem to be boring at the moment. Relationships are hard work. You and your husband need to talk freely about these things and do things together to reinforce your love for each other.
The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence so please don't even think about having an affair or dumping him for the single care free life because you will regret it when the short term gratification is finished.
Communication is everything if you want to make it to 50 years you will need to start talking about more meaningfull deep things.
2007-09-03 21:15:29 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
sometimes when you keep on seing a person for so long you start to think that there is no special thing about that person anymore, the fact still remain we dont appreciate what we got till we loss it, start to imagine what would be like if your spouse died today, how would you feel? i mean have you ever thought of how lcuky you are to live with each other for that long without one of you been dead leaving the other with all the battling of this world, i think both of you are been ungratefull for the little mercies God gave you. Try to spices up the love again, remember the old times and come up with new ideas like go to romatic places, what was there before is still there if you open your eye to it, open up to each other if there is any problem and as much as you can to communicate, ask yourself do you still love me. go to another place for a holiday leave the kids if you can, because most couples feel that the kids are more important than their partner, but the truth is that without one of you there would no kids, i am not saying the kids are not important but dont try to replace them with our partner, what about when all the kids are adult and want to live on thier on, who will they leave you with, only your partner will be there for you till enernity. Good luck.
2007-09-03 21:24:49 · answer #11 · answered by zainab gangaali 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋