Is this a good opening for a short story?

Question

I know I asked this before but I revised the story I showed you.

http://morethanimagination.blogspot.com

P.S:I would really love some critique & advice.

Answer 1

I am a writer-journalist-editor-graphic artist all rolled into one. :)
Anyway, I hope this criticisms help. :)
One: Never type your story in center alignment. It doesn't look like a story (because it looks more like poetry), breaks interest, dims readability, etc. Always use align left or justify (if you're not writing poetry).
Two: Your first line, a dialogue, needs attribution. It said: “Hurry up! Do we always have to slow down for you?” but we never will know who said this and to whom. Clarify this one by adding something like: my brother shouted, or my brother said angrily, etc. As you see, adding these words add color to the story (because you also talk of feeling).
Three: Quick rule... dialogues must be written in a single paragraph. Never follow a dialogue with a long narration without a line break because it looks boring.
Four: Your prose is choppy. Your first narration (please make this a second paragraph) "I watched with dread as my brother disappeared down the curve in the trail. I quickened up my pace. I couldn’t quite comprehend why my family had to go out camping in the middle of the woods. My thoughts spiraled back to the moment my father declared the trip in the middle of supper, me squirming as I entered the family sedan, & my foot reluctantly meeting the wet soil." A narration paragraph, as you should know, has to have sentences seamlessly connected to each other. You say: "I quickened up my pace. I couldn’t quite comprehend why my family had to go out camping in the middle of the woods." But how are these two sentences connected with each other? At first you were talking of walking, then you talk of another matter. If you can't show a seamless connection with two sentences then write a new paragraph.
Five: Take your time. Always try to tell a story of any thing you write in your story. Let's go back to your two sentences: "I quickened up my pace. I couldn’t quite comprehend why my family had to go out camping in the middle of the woods." It sounded like you rushed to another thought without dwelling on the first one. You should have told more about your pace. You could have said: "My feet hurt badly, but I still tried to quicken my pace. The soles of my feet burned from the bruises it earned from the night before, when I kicked the wall because my awesome family just decided to camp in the woods. (...)." You get the idea.
Six: Try to add color to your story by using more adjectives. Your story seriously needs them (as other stories do). You said: "I pulled the hood over my head, scampering around the corner. There was my family! Small, vague outlines no bigger than my thumb, they were about a kilometer ahead the trail. A ripple of joy & hope shot through my heart amid its overflowing despair. I knew if I ran fast enough I could tell them everything I felt. I was so sure!" However, you could have been more descriptive: "I pulled my favorite blue-gray hood over my head, scampering around the muddy corner. There was my awesome family! (...)" You get the idea.
Seven: You have gone on to the third paragraph without describing your family! Identify all the characters as soon as possible, because if you don't, readers would only get a ghastly conception of them. So on paragraph three, you could have said: "There was my family! There was my tall muscular dad, who stood like he owns everything and expects everyone to heed his call. He was talking to Mom, who was as meek as a lamb but as tough as a bull in Spain. And of course I also saw my brother, waving a plump hand happily and eating a sandwich full of stuff he calls his medication.(...)" You get the idea.
Eight: Be very specific. You wrote: "The vast wilderness behind the majestic pine trees made me shudder with gruesome thoughts not meant to be thought." What are these thoughts? Can't we know them so we could shudder too?
Nine: Be careful with you point-of-view. I see you used the first person POV, but you weren't disclosing enough. If you are using the first person POV, you should be able to tell the feelings, the thoughts, the sights and smells experienced by your protagonist. It's herself she's talking about right? Give her more flesh, let her speak like she's real.
Ten: Be very careful with words. You said: "II tried thinking, but a gigantic boulder lodged in my brain prevented every notion of thought. It was so painful. Painful enough to lull me back to sleep." Gigantic boulder? Is your character a giantess to be able to have a gargantuan rock to fit in her head?
Eleven: Your sentences must connect with each other to be able to establist cause-and-effect relationships. You said: "I woke up a few hours later, I believe. The smiling morning sun was now a violently red afternoon sun." However, revise these two to say: I believed I woke up an hour later because the sun was now a violently red afternoon sun.
Twelve: Be consistent with tenses. The first few paragraphs, you were using past tenses, so why did you shift back to present tense in the fourth paragraph? I woke up a few hours later, I believe. The smiling morning sun was now a violently red afternoon sun. Note the word believe.

That is all I can say. :)
If you need more help, send me an e-mail message. :)
Tip: Read more and more books of your genre. Read everything you could get your hands on.
I see the perseverance of a good writer in you. Keep it up. :)

Answer 2

Last guy to answer must not be too good of a writer if he made some pretty glaring errors.

Believe in the context she's using is correct, it's in first person, the narrator is reciting a past event they lived presently to the reader, vis a vis believe being correct. Her tense is fine, and, it's not important if she makes one or two mistakes, only that she catches them when she revises.

You have vastly improved your work here, it flows along much nicer now and aside from replacing & with and you are fine where you are. Once you have finished your story you can go back to the beginning and correct your mistakes, by then you will be familiar enough with it to spot and correct them easily.

Answer 3

Much better! See, with just a little more work, any stories can get worlds better. I am excitedly awaiting your next part of the story :)

Answer 4

Something about the weather. It should be pertinent to the story too.Something about what a character is doing that enables reader to see color, movement and know something about that character.

Answer 5

Wow. You are an excellent writer! One small criticism - you have a tendency to be redundant; e.g. "I quickened up my pace". "Up" is redundant. "I quickened my pace" is all you need.

Best wishes and keep writing!

Answer 6

definitley!!!!