Will you read this and tell me what you think?

Question

Please don't give me any spiels about how you shouldn't put things online, I'm not ever going to publish this...I just want to know what you think of it. If you like it, if it moved you, etc etc.

http://myusm.com/usm484720.html

it's an angsty scene, lost love undertones.

I wrote with those tenses because I wanted it to seem kind of...gosh I can't explain it. Like it wasn't one of them telling the story, like it was a recount told by someone else...and I felt that using those kind of tones made it prettier. I dunno.

Answer 1

Ok, well, a number of things. I loved this line, "Hundreds of words transpired between them in those few moments, unspoken." The story as a whole was alright, but if you don't mind I'll point out a little irritating fact. The identity of the "hes" and "shes" becomes quite vague near the end.

Like, here,

"The look between the two was broken and he turned his attention back to the woman who was pulling his head down to her level... but the woman never knew the difference so she didn't know that the kiss she received was empty. "

it sounds like the guy who bumped into the girl he had prior relations with turns back to his new date, and it is this new date that doesn't realize the superficiality of the kiss.

But then, in the next line, you say,

"She was suspended in motion and as soon as his attention was turned away from her and back to his date..."

She, here, would refer to the new date still, but you say as soon as "his" attention turned to "his date" and that makes it difficult to keep up with who's who.

Maybe it's because of the ambiguity I've described, or my ineptitude in grasping the subtleties of your tale, but I didn't quite get the story.

On a mechanical note though, good writing!

Answer 2

It is very choppy and hard to follow because it needs a serious editing. You write in the passive tense and that makes for very choppy and uneven writing. It doesn't flow. Every time you use that extra "had" you slow things right down.

For instance

They'd each brought their own dates

Why not just

They each brought their own dates.

Much stronger when you remove the passive tense. You use it constantly and it is almost hypnotic after a while. Try going through it and taking out all the passive tense that you can. You will strengthen the work ten fold. Pax- C

Answer 3

that was really good!... is there a continuation or a start to this story? if there is you should post it so i can read it...of course if had its mistakes but it was really really good!! keep working on it..