what do you think?It's kinda crappy but i felt like this could be dedicated to my father.?

Question

I thought you loved me
but you hurt me with hateful ,thoughtless words.
Those words stabbed like a sword.
Why did I have to hear those painful words?
A memory I wish could vanish.
I loved you but that is in the past.
I do not want you back.
Just pack and do not look over your shoulder.
My salty tears burn my face.
My heart will not quit racing.
I'm losing you and there's nothing I can do.
I dared to think you cared.
To think I was loved.
"Sweetie."
NO!
Just leave out my door.
No more.
No more mercy.
I have given to much faith.
Just leave.
Do not look back.
Do not come back.
My paino plays it's sad song.
My heart beats in my ear all day.
Crying.
Dying.
Good bye.

Just.Leave.
and say.
Goodbye.

Answer 1

Ahhh...it feels so black and white when it hurts. Give this time. You love each other. Whether you live in the same house or not, try to stay close. He's not all bad and he's not all good, and he certainly doesn't see YOU that way.

"Stay tuned." Your view will change as you experience life more fully.

Honest. I promise.

Answer 2

First of all, never disparage your poem. If you don't think it's any good, then don't post it. If you think well enough of it to post it, then just post it and let us decide for ourselves. I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just trying to give you some honest advice.

Your poem has merit, but you sometimes dwell on a concept too long. For example, the first four lines over-stress the fact that he used harsh words. You could have combined lines three and four to read, "Why did I have to hear words that stabbed me like a sword?" and moved "painful" up to line two. The three lines would then read:

I thought you loved me but you hurt me
with hateful, painful, thoughtless words.
Why did I have to hear words
that stabbed me like a sword?

Then you use "vanish"...vanish is something that happens to a thing, not something you make happen. You might want to say "banish" or "make go away" or "wish would vanish" instead.

Spelling errors; "too much faith", "its sad song"

Grammar: "leave out my door"? maybe "...leave, go out my door".

You could combine several of the last lines so they weren't cut so short...for example,

"Sweetie." NO!
Just leave! Go out my door!
No more! No more mercy!
I have given too much faith; just leave
Don't look back, Don't come back.
My paino plays its sad song.
My heart beats in my ear all day.
Crying...Dying...Good bye.

Just Leave.
and say.
Goodbye.

...and keep writing

Answer 3

It really communicates disgust for Dad. I can relate to it in some ways especially the bitterness.

Suggested Corrections:
with YOUR hateful ,thoughtless words
Why did I have to hear those MONSTROUSLY WICKED words?
I loved you WITH ALL MY HEART but that is NOW in the past.
My salty tears VICIOUSLY WASH my face WITH REPUGNANCE.
I dared to BE FOOLED THAT you cared.
Just STEP out my FRONT door.
I have OFFERED TOO much faith.
My heart-beats ECHO in my ear all day.

Just Depart
and say
Adieu!!





Quite a promising piece.

Good luck

Answer 4

I love it I can relate.