What are your thoughts for this poem?

Question

With all the years we've spent together
Time is running out
I need to tell you something important
Something that may tear us apart
These words are yet unspoken
and here I lay in my deathbed

Once opon a time I was a tear stained child
hiding in her closet
but you saved me
became a friend andhave stuck with me till the end
My feelings for you have blossommed into something unusual
feelings that can only be described in a few words

Now i must make a decision now
Time is running out
Here you are beside me
Waiting for my last breathes to cease
but there is something i need to say

Will i go on to the next world?
Stuck between this world and the next.
Because i have unfinished business.
Will i go on lying in my earthy bed ,
tears dried to my face,
because i never told you?
Will i never rest in peace,
because i was not brave enough to say those words?

No.
i must say them .
Opening my mouth to speak,I tell you.
Pouring my heart out.

You stare at me in disbelief.
Holding my hand till the end.
Tears falling on face from yours.

i whisper a good bye.
Wishing i did not have to.
You were there to wipe away my tears,
to hold my hand.
I'm sorry.
Though now,
I can rest in peace,
knowing you loved me back.
I draw my last breath,
ready to go.
Dying so young,
but I will die,
knowing you loved me.

A smile lights my face,as I go.
Goodbye my darling.

yes i did.There are certain reasons i wrote it but i really would rather not talk about it.I'm not trying to be rude,but it stilll hurts.

Answer 1

Yes it is quite a moving piece.
You may want to brighten it correcting a few things:

LIE = here I lay in my deathbed

blossomed

Capitalize all the first person pronoun, "I" instead if mixing.



good luck

Answer 2

Pebbles, the others have told you how moved they were, allow me to tell you what you need to work on. Your poem says "something that may tear us apart"...which implies infidelity, ugly secrets, etc. Since your poem does just the opposite, why make such a misleading statement? Also, lay and lie are quite possibly the most frequently misused irregular verbs in the English language. Although the words mean different things (lay = to put something or someone down, lie = to rest or recline upon), the simple past tense of "lie" is "lay"...which is the simple present tense of "lay". You could say, "this is the bed on which I lay my head", or "this is the bed on which my head lies at night". Yes, it is confusing, even when you know the difference. In the case of your poem, the proper phrase should be, "here I lie on my deathbed"...it's present tense, so you use "lie", and you are "on" a deathbed, rather than "in" a deathbed. Also, please, please, stop using the diminutive "i"...there is enough self-doubt in the world, enough feelings of inadequacy...it isn't cute, modern or humble, it's just wrong. Please, use the proper form of the personal pronoun "I". thank you.

Your poem lacks any specific structure; there is no consistent meter, form, rhyme scheme, cadence...anything. So, assuming this is free verse, you used a few poetic devices, and there are a few worn expressions like "earthy bed" and "pouring my heart out"...that's called "cliche", and not something you want to make a habit of using in a "poem". Basically, you're written a very heartfelt piece that is almost prose, broken up so it "appears" poetic...but as a poem it's rather weak. I'm sorry, I'm not being mean, I'm just telling you that you could "make" this into poetry, but as it stands, it is too open and rambling for even free verse. If you really wanted to you could edit it down to phrases that mattered, tighten it up so it expressed the save gravity in fewer words. Clean up the spelling errors, get rid of contradictory statements, avoid the cliches and you'll have a poem to be proud of. It's a good story...now go make it a good poem.

keep writing

Answer 3

LOVED the poem. Simply beautiful. Bittersweet. A poet is born-you are a poet. If you wrote this, I have to say-Keep it up!As I was reading this poem my heart broke, but towards the end it magically got back together.

Answer 4

I like it espically because I think we can all relate to loosing someone we love! Good job keep up the good work

Answer 5

So beautiful and yet so sad and touching This is something most people can relate to.

Answer 6

good

rate at 10/10

Answer 7

*sob* *sob*
i got teary eyed just from reading it.
it was one of the most beautiful poems i've ever read.
i think it was just great. it was sad & sweet at the same time...
it was just beautiful.
a steady, quietly sweet departure of this material world into the unknown.
i loved it. did you write this? because if you did, keep it up!

Answer 8

it touched me, i feel you would want a tragic happy ending rather than an ordinary sad one...
so do i...

Answer 9

i loved that. it made me cry. sniff sniff. i understand the person's feeling of not being able to tell someone they love someone. thanks for writing such a great poem

Answer 10

oh, it made my eyes tear up...

you did a gread job!
It was Really good!

=D