Is my 20 year old son Gay?

Question

My step son has always been "a little" quiet and reserve, definitely never like the other boys when he was growing up.
He played with toys (skate boarding figures and BMX figures on small finger ramps) until he was 16. He still doesn't have his license, says he's nervous. He has been caught more times that I can count looking at cross dressing web sites, or gay websites. I found a chat log once that he wanted to engage in "sex acts" with another boy. He says this is just curious behavior, and he protest he is NOT gay, but I do not believe him. His dad is not sure what to believe. My 2 younger children live in the same house and I have forbid "porn" even on his personal computer. He erases history daily.
I am not sure if he's gay or just inmature.
Like I said, he is 20. He works and sleeps....He isn't like any other 20 year old I have ever known. He doesn't even want to go out (except with his sister, 19) that's only to family BBQ's and stuff.
What should I do?

Answer 1

Dear Beky S,
Lets start by respecting this person, and his privacy. This is 20 years old after all, and as long as the logs are erased daily and not a threat to the children… His sexual preference should not be an eschew. Relax. Let him figure it out for himself. IF and when he is ready he will let you know. Trying to out him before he is ready is neither necessary nor cool on your part.
Now… Based on the information you have posted I’m not cretin you step-child’s eschew is that he’s gay… Based on a whole 3 paragraphs of question by a 3rd party I might guess that your child is a heterosexual gender dysphoric [transsexual. Or a female brain traped in a male body. http://jcem.endojournals.org/cgi/content... http://www.symposion.com/ijt/ijtc0106.ht... ]
I know… “Not my son!”
My advice is that YOU work your way through the shock. And be patent. With so little to go on I’ve most likely called it wrong. But IF I’m right your child will be facing several bouts of severe depression before coming out of the closet. IF I’m right then be ready to give your child all the love, acceptance and support you can. It’s going to be needed.
Hugs,
PennyAnn

Answer 2

"He has been caught more times that I can count looking at cross dressing web sites, or gay websites. I found a chat log once that he wanted to engage in "sex acts" with another boy." And he's 20.

He's gay. But he doesn't want to disappoint you, and probably sees it as a personal disappointment as well.

And he's painfully shy to boot. What do you do? You can't really do anything about his sexuality. If you are okay with his being gay, you could indicate in a roundabout way that you're okay with it by talking positively about the subject. That may give him the necessary validation to talk to you about it.

But if you're hostile to the idea, there isn't a thing you can do to change it and any negative commentary would just make him more close-mouthed than he is.

Answer 3

Forget labels, they don't serve any purpose. Remember sexuality and gender identity are two different things and that both fall on a spectrum, so that leaves endless possibilities. Sounds like a bigger issues is why is he 20 and not living on his own? If he's not going to college, is he getting some vocational training? He needs to become a independent adult, this will give him the self confidence that will help him through whatever else he might be dealing with. If he doesn't have ANY friends it might be a more serious issue and try to get him some help. Most importantly show support and encouragement about him as a person and let him know that whatever road he goes down you and his dad are there to guide and help, but you won't carry him, he needs to step up and help himself. Try setting goals to give him a focus, but keep them SMART - specific, measurable, acheivable, realistic and time bound. see the link for examples.

Answer 4

First of all, don't worry too much: he's 20, he's responsible for his own acts. However, maybe he doesn't even recognize his own acts, or he might just not want to admit it. Coming out - the most difficult thing to do for a person who has doubts on his sexuality. He might be bisexual, he might be gay, he might want to be a transgender, he might want to be whatever, what's important is that he is himself. Trying to make him someone else would just suppress who he really feels to be inside, or who he doesn't even know to be inside. There are some teenagers who don't know what to do in their future before their 18s, others just know it from an early age. The same thing with your son, he's not as fast or slow as the others in recognizing what he really is. Being gay is something considered natural as being heterosexual, however some people find it more difficult to consider themselves as gay rather than heterosexual. Let's analyze this from a more attentive prospective: you said he "still" doesn't have a license. There are some gays who have their license before AND after their 20s, that's just when SOMEONE feels ready, regardless of their sexuality. But from the way you wrote it, STILL, sounds like YOU'd like him to have that license. You know what's that called? Motherly love, motherly affection, call it how you want it, but it's still something only you mothers know how to give your sons and daughters. That strong bond of love and affection between a mother and a son, the mother will never want her son to feel separate or different from the other peers. But remember that you haven't lost your son if he doesn't have a licence now, or if he's gay or not: whatever happens, HE WAS, IS, AND ALWAYS BE YOUR SON. And it's that love that made you curious, asking yourself "what's happening to him? is he gay?" You went to loads of extents to have an answer, even posting this question on the internet, looking for the right answer that could losen up your anxiety. Step-son or not, he will never admit what he is (or what he feels like being) to you, just as he will never admit to his close friends what he is, until he finds his inner ego. If he doesn't know himself, how could he answer to the question, "ARE U GAY?". Time, that's what everyone needs, that's what you need, that's your stepson needs. I hope it gets better. And you, do hope too!

Answer 5

Lets hope you never have kids, as you would be one of the worst parents on the planet, completely undeserving of having children. I think that unless you are going to support your kids no matter what, then you should not be a parent. I will give you that crap, because that is how I would react, who the hell cares if he is gay, he cannot help it and it is not humiliating; the more humiliating thing would be to disown a kid. People like you is why this planet is so messed up, you disgust me to the extreme.

Answer 6

It sounds as if you have already categorised and pigeon-holed your son. Is it possible that you are unwilling to cut the apron strings and are being over-protective parents? Have you considered how you can help to stop him feeling awkward in social settings?

This is a very tricky situation - I'd say just let him be. Show him that you respect him as an adult and will support whatever choices he makes. Don't be confrontational - as you say, he might just be curious or embarrassed by his conflicting emotions and perhaps your reaction to his most private thoughts.

Time alone will allow him to settle down emotionally and allow him to make his own choices - if you pressurise him, he might not react rationally or as you would expect.

Answer 7

Our culture is very threatening to those of us who are Gay and Lesbian. It isn't contrived, it is a real threat. There are other citizens who want to kill us. Be supportive, life will be much tougher for him than you can imagine. Give him some privacy. I hope me meets a nice gay man who will carry him away to a nice life. ("Officer and a Gentleman" theme running through my head now)

Answer 8

Nothing.

maybe he's gay.. maybe not...

he sounds like he has low self-esteem - so he might be afraid to approach girls, even online -- and this might be a release from him....

think of it this way -- if he played video games where he had to kill people and things - would you be afraid that he's a murderer?? he might be thinking of this as something similar...

Answer 9

Accept your step son for the individual who your husband brought into the world and you accepted into your life. Many youth are still looking for their sexuality at 20.

Give him alot of love and let him develop into himself.

Answer 10

He sounds like a timid gay man. He'll have to come to terms with his own sexuality and hopefully you'll be able to give him all the love and support he needs.