How's this for a prologue?

Question

I'm writing a fantasy story about three girls who have been brought up in different cultures and become friends at an academy. The story is about the mystery surrounding them and how they come to find themselves in th eface of danger.
Could you honestly tell me if you would continue reading the story after the prologue
Prologue: As told by all three girls

Milan: Academic City
“Carr?!” A voice shouted through the haze in my mind. Then a voice I didn’t quite recognize as my own croaked a question “what have I done?” “Thank Stars you’re alive, now come” The voice said brusquely but all had already gone black on my eyes. “Pick her up” The woman said and followed as the men carried the limp body of Carr, me, out of the room.

Star’s City: The Great Star Library
“Graspi…Graspi…” I murmured, my eyes scanning the shelves in front of me. “Academics … Denkians … Ex-Stars… Ah Graspi... finally.” And I pulled the large blue leather-bound book off the shelf.
THeres more...

Graspi City: Court House Merl’Den
“Case Closed” The blue-robed Judge slammed down his gavel. “Punishment?” “Banishment,” came the Judge’s harsh reply. “Time?” “Until decided” “Aaaahhh” The scream tore at my throat until it came loose and shook the courthouse with my pain.

Thats the prologue. Each Paragraph is told by one of the girls. What do you think would you keep reading?

The Girls names are
Ist para girl) Carr
2nd) Lilaikai called Lilai
and 3rd) Salamern called Sala
Their names reflect there cultures

Sorry I didn't explain further, it's supposed to just give you insight as to why the girls are where when the story actually starts. Its a confusing three paragraphs that are explained when you keep reading for example Carr is in the hospital in the next page

Answer 1

If any of you didn't like it than you are wrong. It was very intriging and makes you feel compelled to see what comes next! Good job Bridget!

Answer 2

It is confusing - especially for a prologue. That isn't exactly what a prologue is. A prologue is a lead in that explains what is going to happen or whets the tongue and drags you into the story. This didn't explain anything to me. In fact, it left me confused. A prologue can be a few sentences like it is in Romeo and Juliet or it can be a complete chapter. The prologue to one of my books is about 3.00 words - a complete chapter. But because of the way it is written, it works.

You need to rethink this. A prologue should take place in ONE setting. It should give you a taste of what is to come. The rest of these things you have here are the beginnings of chapters that come after the prologue. Your prologue is the scene in Milan. That is it. However, you need to expand on it a bit. I don't understand how Carr's body suddenly became limp. She doesn't put up any struggle? They don't have to do anything to restrain her? They just pick her up and carry her away? That is a little bit unbelievable. Nobody would do that to ME.

You seriously need to stop writing and do your character studies and an intensive outline. If your story is going to be moving around from place to place, scene to scene, you will not be able to do this without an outline. Also you have three main characters and you say each one will be telling parts of the story. That is all the more reason you will need character studies and an outline. There will be subplots and backstories once you flesh these people out. Try using one color for the main plot - the spine of the story and different colors for the subplots and backstories or different colors for the parts each girl tells. You will find the homework will help you tremendously. It will keep your story on track and moving in the right direction.

Next young lady, I must have a grammatical discussion with you. Every time a different person speaks in quotations, that is a NEW PARAGRAPH. Surely you were taught that in school.

What you seriously need is to stop posting your work here for others to steal. You don't need the accolades of your peers to pump you up. What you need is a serious mentor - someone you can work with face to face. Ask a teacher or librarian if they can help you. Or look for a face to face book writers club. Large bookstores have them - so do libraries. Go to a few sessions before you feel comfortable enough to share. Or often there are classes in local colleges for high school kids on Saturdays.

A hundred "you go girl" responses on Yahoo Answers won't help you half as much as learning that you need to change paragraphs when you change speakers. Find a mentor. It will help you tremendously to hone your craft and become a skilled writer. I am currently mentoring two talented young writers I met here.

You will also find if you go to my profile, I star great Q and A on writing and publishing. Print some of them out to study. Many kids are making their own books out of them to use as reference. If you add me as fan you will get regular updates when I add more. Good luck to you.

Pax - C

Answer 3

Umm its ok, but its a little confusing
I think you should add more details about where they are when they are saying these things and describe more what they are thinking and also, what age group is it for? If it is for teens (or younger) which I think it is definitely make some ofth ose changes I said and I would LOVE to help you out more if you ever need it!

MY Yahoo! IM and MSN IM is arualsandy :)

Answer 4

in all honesty I like it. Its weird so weird I want to find out more. I cant wait to read the story.

Answer 5

Wow thats good

Answer 6

Yes, I would read the book.

If you get a chance, please visit my website at http://www.rubysbooks.com, and if I've given you this information before, please forgive me because I forgot and I'm trying to reach as many people as possible. Thanks.

Answer 7

That wasn't very good at all.

Answer 8

that was pretty good! what are the girls' names?