My parents need my help but were mean to me. How should I do that?

Question

When I was 15 they were kinda mean. I made mistakes (who doesn't?), was lost. They were cruel, said flat out I had lost their trust, something real parents should never say to their kids. II suffered a lot, got a harsh punishment and it took months to earn their trust back though there was no reason for that. This almost destroyed me and sure destroyed our relationship. I got over, today at 25 I'm OK, graduated and with a good job but we never made up. Now my parentd made a huge mistake, lost much money and are difficulty. My lil sister that lives w/ them asked me to help them. I can and cause of my sister I will. But how should I do that? Tell them they were so harsh and cruel to a 15 yo girl and now at their age they made a a much worse mistake. My dad promised he'll pay me, but should I tell him flat out I can't trust a 55 yo man that made such stupid decision? I'll see them tomorrow, my sister said they are grateful, want to hug me. No way, I can give them $, but hugs, NEVER!

Some pepole used to say I'd forgive my parents when I became a mom. I'm married, have a 1 yo boy and just because I'm a mom I can't understand how they could be so cruel to their child

Answer 1

It sounds like you were really hurt.
The teen years are a sensitive time, and we forget that. We also hurt those we love the most. Set, your parents up on a payment plan so that they can try to keep their respect and it can feel a bit more like a business relationship. Then decide if you want other healing with them. If you do find a family therapist and go with them for at least 3 months, once a week because hurt like this that has years to fester will also take a long time to heal and 3 months might be enough to see some improvement.
You may want to heal in order to help you avoid your parents' mistakes with your kids, because for example my father's father beat him and he to avoid it would sqeeze the life out of my arm when he was mad.which was an improvement but didn't take care of the innapropriate anger issues. I don't want to give other details. We went to therapy together and things have improved. But you have to decide that it is important to you, and your future.

Answer 2

I cant blame you for hating your parents because as you said they were cruel to you before. Think about this....was there even a time when they showed you how much they care bout you during those days or were they able to explain why they are doing that to you? If they haven't,this is your chance to ask them nicely why did they do that to you? Perhaps,what happened to them is God's way of showing them their mistakes. What they did to you was a blessing in disguise because it made you a better person today and you've proved a lot to them and to yourself. That pain is part of the past, you should learn to forgive and forget although its hard because whatever you do you can never bring back the past. I believe in the saying "YOU WILL GET WHAT YOU DESERVE"...Help them but make sure you do it because you want to otherwise don't if there's still bitterness inside. Give your parents the chance to show how much they care for you because who knows they might have realized their mistakes. So while they're still in this world show them that you grew up and became a better person.There's no harm in trying, and lastly,pray for them

Answer 3

Were you their first child? What you did was probably the first time they'd ever had to deal with something like that. I understand COMPLETELY that you can't just forgive and forget-not many people can. However, you should understand that however irresponsible they were acting as parents when you made mistakes, they were trying to prevent you from making more.

You don't have to give them hugs, definitely. But you should try going to family counseling. Maybe if you can get them to realize how mean to you they were and how bad they made you feel they'll apologize and that will help...? Suggest that when you meet them tomorrow.

Answer 4

Sounds like you did something REALLY bad. Telling your kids that you lost their trust isn't a horrible thing if YOU did a horrible thing. My parents said the same thing but they called me a bunch of names like, whore, sl*ut, etc. because I was at the movies passed 7:30. Well, I had lost their trust because they are supposed to pick me up no later than 5:00. You'd BETTER help them!! What did you do so bad when you were 15?? (i'm 13)

Answer 5

I had to read our question twice just to make sure it wasn't my daughter.See,when she was 14 she did something terribly wrong that got her in trouble with the law and really embarrassed the family.
I told her then that I lost my trust to her,she wasn't worth my respect and I'd never trust her again (among other things I told her)
Fast forward 7 years later,she is in college now,celebrated her 21st b day yest and has a lot of dreams when she graduates.
Had I not yelled at her then, maybe things would not be as they are now.
Bottom line: Parents do a lot of things to save their kids.Some of them don't make sense now, but give it 10 or more years and you will think differently.I am as proud as can be of my daughter and I don't regret for a minute the hard confrontation then.Some times as parents we have to show tough love to make sure our kids won't do something stupid again.
The end result in your case is another success story: You are a successful professional,married with a young child.
Well,they must have done something right with you, don't you think?
BTW, when you have kids it doesn't affect you until they reach teen years and then your parents actions start to make perfect sense to you!!
Give them a big hug tomorrow along with the money and thank your lucky stars you have such caring parents who did not hesitate to make it hell for you and them(yes, for them too!) in order to save you from a lot of trouble later in life.

Answer 6

Sometimes when a parent is aggravated they act alot harsh then they intend to. One day when your son comes to you and has done something you in a million years wouldn't think he would do you will feel as mad as they did. You may handle it alittle different then they did but you will still be angry. I think that you should help your parents only because even though whatever they did to you at 15 before you turned 15 they did everything they could for you. They gave you life, fed you, and put in a roof over your head... You should make piece with your self because your still upset over something that happened 10 yrs ago...

Answer 7

i completely understand your situation...
and also of the side of your parents too...

i sensed that you were hurt when that particular situation happened to you... but have you ever thought of the other times that they were there behind or beside you (and your sister)... the times they provide their support as you grow up... the things they have provided even you know they already stretch the budget... the times they went out of their way to pick you up late at night after attending a friends' party... and countless of things they have done for you as their way of showing their affection, care and love. what happen that time, i know not a single detail but im sure it is just a manifestation of parent's sincere concern for your welfare.

i bet its not only you that have this issues, i guess all of us encountered this scenario one way or another. emotional baggage carried over...
all i can say is, charge it to experience, all together let go of it and get on with life. leave everything to past and carry on with the lessons learned from that experience.

its not too late to start all over again, im sure it is totally a different relationship now that it is an adult to an adult relationship.

Answer 8

I would just give my parents a little money and make sure that i could at least help my sister. What did you do? If you just like huung out with people and got caught right before you started smoking ((just an example no offense)) then they needn't have said taht. Especially if you didnt do anything as bad as your friends. But if you like stole drugs and sold them then i might understand their side. But if you did the former and they blamed you for everything i wouldnt help them that much. But if you did the latter then i would help them even more.

Answer 9

Sounds like your parents were being parents and you were being a teenager at that time. You didn't say anything terrible about your parents. You admitted to making mistakes, what were they suppose to do, slap you on the hand and say, "don't do it again". Unless they did something very disturbing, you need to get over it and help them out. You also need to tell them how you feel about the way they disciplined you. You have a child now and you will see exactly why your parents acted the way they did, just wait in see.

Answer 10

Sounds like something really bad happened when you were a girl. I understand not being able to forgive your parents for something that happened in your childhood. And still hold grudges every child does. You have to look at it as they are your parents they do love you even tho they screwed up you have too. Talk to them about this mishap that happened in your childhood, Have you ever told them how you feel?But do help them if you can, I have helped both my parents out with money and other things even tho stupid crap happened in my childhood i totally blame them for.

God Luck