I left my husband in January of this year.I left because he is a alcoholic and I couldn't let my kids live that life anymore.When I left we agreed that I was leaving for him to change,and to sober up because he said he could not do it with me in the house.I left with no intentions of divorcing him.I just found out that he has been with this other girl,and now she is pregnant.He has totally ruined my life.I was wondering when I file for divorce can I hold it against him that he got another girl pregant while we were still legally married but seperated?He gives me $100 a week for 2 kids,and rarely calls them.Everything is left up to me.I still can't believe this is hapening to me.
2007-09-03 02:35:49 · 35 answers · asked by lvbrdy4vr 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
WoW honey, I'm soooo sorry! I know how you feel...the betrayal is more than anyone wants to ever deal with! I haven't been through that, but I've been through quite a bit!
Anyway, kudos to you for leaving because of the alcoholism for you and the children...not you, nor your children need to go through any of that! I know you planned on going back in hopes of a change, but now in light of this, no matter what changes, please move on! You don't deserve any more of what may come up in the future, even if this were to resolve.
Ok, first things first...your life is NOT ruined...it only seems that way at this point. This is your time to regroup and get you and your children's lives together (with or without counseling) and move on to new and better things! It may seem awful right now, but believe me, it WILL get better...day by day, week by week, month by month. You have the strength, and must, for you and your children, and will have a better life in the future...trust me! Let this "other" woman deal with his alcoholism and cheating/betrayals, because it will happen to her some day as well! Be happy it won't be you again!
With regard to the pregnancy/cheating while separated but married, it all depends on what state you live in, but most will not recognize cheating as anything during a divorce. Let it go if yours does not. Go into court and be as amicable as possible with him. Judges do not like mud-slinging, especially when there are children involved!
Go to mediation and by all means, be fair, but DO bring up past and present alcoholism...especially if there is any abusive behavior. You need to file for 1/2 of everything, if it means he has to sell everything, well, so be it! If the children are not safe in his alcoholic state, do not allow unsupervised visits...limit visitation...do what you need, but make it so that you look like you are being fair and reasonable.
Do bring up what time he is spending with the children...keep a journal, I would start one now if you haven't already, and write down all calls, nice, abusive, ones with the kids...all visitation of the same kind...all support (and by all means, get receipts and keep them!)...I don't know what he makes, or what you make, or what state you're in, but $100.00/wk for two children is not sufficient by any means...the court will agree to that pending your circumstances! You're also entitled to alimony payments...do not forget that...but be careful...if you make more that he, you might be the one paying alimony...if that is the case, don't even bring it up!
This is a very common scenario for a woman during a divorce in the initial phase. I wish I knew more of your situation so that I could advise you better.
If you can afford a lawyer, GET ONE...if not, be sure to get a waiver and find legal aid to help you! There are many resources in each county that are available for help!
I'm sorry you have to go through this, but do not let him make you a victim! Take what I have given you, get all of the knowledge you can that is available to you, and empower yourself!!!! You'll feel soooo much better! I know I did during my divorce...and I would have been screwed, just as you!
Take care, hang in there, keep your head up, remember...this will be great for you and your children in the long run, and learn to be happy again~even if you're alone...sometimes it can be soooo nice!
If you need more help, e-mail me and I'll do what I can!
Good luck, and try to smile...for you and your children!
Jody :)
2007-09-03 03:12:54 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you left him so he could clean up his life and this is the result, he has obviously not changed for the better. If by holding it against him, you means grounds for divorce, the answer is yes - it is still adultery. Sometimes, though, it is not worth the airing of the dirty laundry to get a divorce on those grounds. You'd be better off citing irreconcilable differences. If you are not legally separated, you are at his mercy for giving you whatever he wants for support. If you file for a legal separation or divorce, you would receive a court order for child support which could be more than the $400/m you are receiving now. I suggest you have it to go through the court system rather than an agreement for him to pay you directly because there will be a record of payments and recourse for you if he doesn't pay it. I also suggest if you are serious about filing, you do so ASAP before he files and you are the defendant. If you are in different jurisdictions, if he files, you have to go to his venue and you may not have an advantage there. Final words of advice -- do not hold animosity toward the child that is the result of the affair. It did not ask to be put in the position it will be in. Do not keep it's existence from your children and try to include it when possible in activities that your children (it's siblings) are participating in, i.e. birthdays, sleepovers, etc. It won't be easy but will set a wonderful example for all involved.
BTW, your life is not ruined unless you allow it to be. It hurts, but life goes on. One day, you may realize he has done you a favor. What does not kill you makes you stronger. Just don't rush into a new relationship...heal yourself or history may repeat itself.
2007-09-03 03:00:14 · answer #2 · answered by rosyoneal 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Alcoholism....... An addiction as bad as being addicted to Drugs as Crack, or whatever. It is quite a while since my divorce came through, but a situation like that runs like a a thread through the rest of your life.
Stop thinking about the fact that he is the father of your children and his visiting rights. You children have to learn to live without him as a father, which is much worse.. I find I have respect for the fact, that he pays $ 100 a week... A thing most of us women with kids and men in the same situation never got. Honestly did the thought divorce never cross your mind? I find that hard to believe because you must have known leaving him would be the beginning of the end and you would have felt it. In fact, you leaving him made this new relationship possible in his dependent state.
I was married to a Alcoholic I know what it is like, the violence , and turmoil. Within 6 weeks he lived together with someone who once lived in the same street as I had, years before then.
More accusations might cause him to stop the child support.... You don´t want to risk that in court do you now?... No serious .... Count your blessings and prepare your kids for the truth, that they will have to let their father go, in the end. I cannot help but feel sorry for his new girl friend. You must not forget your ex never ment for you to find out he was sleeping around.... Please get on with your life and try not to hold grudges against him or her. He cannot change, he´s addicted to booze, will not accept help of any kind and only uses women for sex as this new woman will find out soon enough.
2007-09-03 03:54:13 · answer #3 · answered by Lady Alma of Avalon Grailguard 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would certainly hold it against him, although legally, there might not be any muscle there, as he didn't do anything wrong legally.
Still, play it to your advantage at the hearing by telling the judge this. You might be able to squeeze a little sympathy.
I mean, you separated because he was SUPPOSED to get his life straight and make things work between you.. and he gets another woman pregnant??!!! And that whole thing about not being able to get better because YOU'RE around?? You're his wife, and if he doesn't turn to you for support, whom then? Obviously, it was just an excuse to get out from under your eye.
I say you'd be well rid of him. Get as much as you can for child support, because he's not going to be there for your kids emotionally & physically anyway. Good luck!
2007-09-03 02:40:15 · answer #4 · answered by sweet_ixora 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Now, I'm 17... But sadly I know a thing or two about family divorces.
Yes it is easy to divorce.
Yes, you can use that "against" him.
Theoretically, by just presenting the case to the judge you get the kids' custody and the rightful divorce if it is so.
And yes you should go on with this. You can get rid of him and get yourself a better life.
Can't believe it is happening to you?
Fact: It already happened.
Just go on with your life and have fun, take care of your kids and find someone more worth of your love.
Take care, all the best from me :)
2007-09-03 02:44:11 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
Yes, that is plain adultery - a cause that you can cite in divorce. The fact that he was also an unreformed alcoholic is also another 'cause'. You only need one in order to file for divorce. Doesn't matter what the cause is, just make sure you get the right settlement. See a lawyer as quickly as you can.
2007-09-03 02:53:51 · answer #6 · answered by CountTheDays 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't know what insulting or stupid thing ghetto said, but with a name like that I can only imagine. Anyway to answer your question, you can most definitely bring it up in the divorce proceedings. You didn't separate for any other reason but to give that sorry excuse for a man a chance to sober up. This is the thanks you get. Its not your fault that he thought that meant he could do whatever he wanted the minute your back was turned. What happened to getting sober, are they both alcoholics? I think you need to take his *** to court and don't back down for any reason, get the kids the support they need. I pray you will ge OK.
2007-09-03 03:17:08 · answer #7 · answered by blackpearl 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No you can't hold infedlity against him because courts no longer recongize it as a grounds for divorce. I do however suggest you go for more money as far as child support when the time comes. $100 a week for 2 kids doesn't cut it. The fact that he rarely calls the kids is a moot point. He doesn't HAVE to.
2007-09-03 13:55:19 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
All in all you're probobly better off with him completely out of your life as well as out of your kid's lives. And it can't be held against him because you were separated with the intention of divorce. But I'm sure a lawyer could find away around that.
2007-09-03 02:41:20 · answer #9 · answered by concussed 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds as if he had something going on at least in his mind when he asked you to go saying he couldn't do it with you there but breathe easy. All of the nights of crying yourself to sleep and sitting on edge because you don't know what's going to happen is now someone else's problem. He has given you headaches, heartache and betrayal. I know it's hard when the life you know is over but this is a blessing in disguise. Let the anger go because now someone else has the life that you don't have to live anymore. Also your children won't have to watch their father care more about the alcohol and his high but can live safe; secure lives with you. There are good ones out there but you will need to heal and let go of the hurt before you can move on. The hate and anger will hurt you and your children more than it will ever hurt him.
2007-09-03 02:44:49 · answer #10 · answered by littleone 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋