What do you think of this?

Question

You were all i needed in life,
i gave up everything just to be with you.
Your just too good to be true,
thank you for being there when i needed you,
all i just wanna say is for now is i love you.

if you find any problems with the so called poem...please dont hesitate to correct it..

Thank You

Answer 1

First of all, please, don't use the diminutive "i"...you are as important as anyone, so don't crawl around as an "i"...be an "I"...girls don't want insecure boys. Secondly, it's "you're too good", not "your too good"..."you're" means "you are", "your" means something that belongs to you. Also, "wanna"...it's not a word...and if you're going to write poetry, then have respect for the words and say "want to". If you're writing a song, then use any nonsensical word you want, but if you're going to do poetry, do it correctly.

If you're going to submit this to a poetry contest, don't; it is a string of cliches in an uneven meter and is closer to prose than poetry. However, if you're going to give this to your girlfriend, it's fine. However, be careful of hyperbole (if you're not sure what that is, look it up, it will be worth it). Did you really "give up everything" for her? If so, what did you really give up? If you gave up playing around with other girls, then you gave up other girls...and that's not "everything". If, however, you gave up your station in life, quit school, quit your job, moved to another country, learned a new language, etc., then "gave up everything" might be accurate. Again, if this is going to your girlfriend alone, then go for it, she'll probably think it sweet and adorable. Lastly, put "I love you" in quotes because you're "saying it" to her, and clean up the line's grammar...the line should read:

all I want to say for now is, "I love you."

The words I removed were superfluous.

Answer 2

I’ll just neaten up the grammar a bit for you:

You are all I need in life;
I gave up everything just to be with you.
You’re just too good to be true;
thank you for being there when I needed you.
All I want to say for now is that I love you.

Maybe you could make it a bit more personal? At the moment, that poem could be about anyone. You don’t have to use people’s names, or anything like that, just be a bit more descriptive. Say what you like about this particular person. Use adjectives so readers can picture what you mean, however don’t go overboard and use lots of abstract words – try and use a simile or a metaphor to make the whole thing a bit more concrete and original. “You’re just too good to be true” is a bit overused, really. Make the poem your own special one with your own special message to your lover.

Take a look at this: http://www.best-love-poems.com/poems.php?id=716847

It’s not the best poem ever, but it’s slightly more original.

As far as the meter and rhyme go, we could just tidy up the rhyming pattern a bit. At the moment all of the lines rhyme except for the first. Why don’t you use a rhyming pattern like ABAB or ABCC. It’s always nice to have the final two lines rhyming – it gives a sense of finality and harmony. Also, if your poem is a rhyming one, try not to repeat ‘you’ at the end of lots of the lines. Once is plenty, otherwise it will become repetitive. Also, for the poem to become a bit more lyrical, try and equalise the number of syllables you have in each line. Why don’t you try 7 in the first, 8 in the second, back to 7 in the next and finish with 8. You’ll find that the poem will flow a lot better.

Your message is all there and it’s a very touching one. Writing a poem is a lovely thought. Stick in there. Potentially, that could be an awesome poem. I’m sure if you gave it to your love like that, then they’d be over the moon. It’s a very romantic thought.

I hope these guidelines help.

Answer 3

Sorry man but it doesn't cut it! I mean how more "roses are red, violets are blue" can you get?

"You're just too good to be true"??? - man that phrase is so over-used even the Tibetans in mount Tibet know it and sing it to their girlfriends!

Don't be offended man: I'm Sooth-sayer, I tell the truth.

Be original. Try it. Don't try to be "correct", just do your own thing - your original thing - and you'll see that you can be quite good.

Answer 4

sounds a bit simplistic because of the style. It reads like you are not quite serious. Spice it a little with images like:

Dear lavender,
you were all the scent I longed for in this tedious existence.

Write "want to" instead of "wanna" and "You are" not "your" when you meant it.



good luck

Answer 5

its gr81coz all poems tat people submit are too huge but yours is a short & sweet one ,tat conveys the required message right 4m ur heart

Answer 6

Very simple. To the point. If it's for a special someone, I see no reason to work on it anymore... it states your case clearly and nicely!