Can't seem to open up...?

Question

I have trouble communicating with people I don't know (I'm painfully shy). I am uncomfortable with a group of people I don't know, and have trouble taking the initiative of trying to communicate with someone I don't know, as well as keeping up a conversation. I'm fine with friends and people I've got to know, and I'm not sure if I am so introverted naturally... I can remember being fine at age 8 - 9, but I've always had this problem starting from grade 3 - 4 in elementary school up to now. I don't have to many good friends because of it, my best friends are from when I was at a very young age. Now I am more and more frequently and intensely depressed because of my social situation (and some other things). My shyness eased up a bit last year in grade 10, but am now going into grade 11 and will have to face this all over again, and am worried that I will have another relatively socially inert year at school. I'm okay with who I am, but my shyness increasingly keeps getting in the way :(

Answer 1

Markos J!
That's funny because my name is Marcus and my middle name starts with J.....
Anyway, I think I might have the same problem, though maybe it's less serious. I'm not so much shy around other people, but say, if I am introduced to other people by friends I will have an amazing uncomfortable and regretful time. I can't keep a conversation running, just add bits in to something that's already going really. I regret it afterwards, but on the spot I never seem to be able to do anything. I'm not so sure if it is shyness because I don't try to hide things or I am not scared of what people will think of me......until I actually mess something up. It's terrible. I have some really good friends and I can behave in a way I am happy with most of the time but sometimes, I will react to something stupidly or I won't know what to do, especially when there are new people. And I'll spend some time afterwards thinking about how stupid I was, but not knowing why I did what I did. Haha, it's not like I beat them up or tease them or anything, sometimes I just go yerrr....... or look off or something. Little stupid things that don't look very good for me. If I'm lucky they will get to know me because, I think some people have a really thin personality, like you meet them once and you pretty much know all there is to their personality, but for me (and maybe you, I think), I am pretty complicated in how I see different things or react to them, and I am fine with people I know, but when there are some new people I kinda go into weird mode and I don't get across very well. Or maybe I do, but I think I don't. People will say Hi, How are you, and it will take me 5 billion years to come up with a reply. It's not good.
But what works for me, I think, is just to stop caring about it as much. I mean, it's important, but don't feel pressured when you are actually standing there. I find that I do that. When I meet someone, I am conscious of myself being in a bit of a shy or just weird mood (sometimes...I am not like this always!!). Then I worry about what to say or what I should have said, when that person is still standing in front of me, possibly waiting for me to say something. Just take it as it comes, and don't think about it too hard. Maybe that sounds tricky, but if you don't worry so much about how you have interacted with others in the past, you will be at least more "yourself" in the present and future. If you need to think about it, then do that, but afterwards, not when you are actually with that person. If someone introduces you, well it depends on what the situation is exactly, but it's very likely that the person who introduced you to each other will start or continue a conversation. Pretend it's some guy or girl you've known for ages. Just join in, that's why you got introduced! If it isn't an introduction kind of thing, say you are going to some meeting or something, again it depends what it is but you could shake hands, or just look at someone and talk casually. I hate getting names though. I hate giving my name and asking theirs. Haha. So it's nice if you can start talking to them about anything really, and then get their name later, like during a lull in the conversation, or when you are about to split up. You can even say you are crap at remembering names. It's a lot better than being shy or not saying anything, even if it isn't funny, because if you are shy in front of people and you look a bit distant when you are interacting with them, it isn't a good look, and they will see you straight away as a shy person. That can change in the future though. But just say something to keep the conversation going if it stops or needs to start. You can even mention the weather. Seriously! Don't say something lame like "nice weather" but you could say how hot or cold it was, if it was particularly hot or cold. Notice what they are wearing. Again, don't say something lame like
"nice shirt" but, maybe you had a shirt like that or whatever. It can also help to say something about where you are. Say you are at a football game, you could say how much you love football. Don't tell lies to try to get a good image across though, if you don't like football, but don't say you hate it either. They will both come back to haunt you. Don't think too hard about what to say, and don't drift off, notice something and use it. If you are good enough to notice that you are shy, you are good enough to notice other things. And another thing: if you do find yourself in an awkward silence, it's likely that the other person feels the same as you. So I don't know how much I have helped but I hope I have, or will have helped. Just don't preoccupy your mind with this kind of problem when you are going to meet people, because it will lead to awkwardness and shyness. Push it aside and approach the situation unashamed of anything. Don't worry about what they will think of you, especially not when you are actually meeting them, because if you do, they will see that you are shy or worried, and then they WILL think something about you. Just get in there and say something, or smile or something. It's better to try to say something funny, fail, and then laugh at yourself, than not say anything at all or mumble or whatever. Treat things more lightheartedly. Don't worry so much. Act more like you know the person a bit already. Like they aren't some complete stranger, but you can have a little laugh at some things, or maybe think similarly or differently about something. Once there is a conversation, if you want to give your opinion, say it (not rudely obviously, and make sure it sounds like your opinion and not just an angry comment or something). Don't worry about whether that person will agree or not. If they agree then that's good, if you disagree then they will say what they want to say and there's your conversation! (don't go off telling them they are silly or wrong though, it is just an opinion.) This kind of thing gets easier as you do it more. So you get better, faster. Remember that there is just as much "pressure" on the person you are talking to as there is on you. They feel like it too, when you are meeting someone they haven't "opened up" to you either, but instead of worrying about why you can't or how you should, start something. Casually. Be interested in them. Don't say lame things or mumble or whatever, but say something, and if you do say something lame, don't be sad about it in your head, make fun of it. Try to think about it less when you are on the spot. Act more like you are around your friends, that's how you make friends, not by worrying. Yeah. I'm around your age and I am going through this too. But don't let it drag you down, seriously. It's a little part of a big picture. You will get out of it. I don't know that from experience obviously, but I can see that I am changing, and other people can too. I know it might not be easy to stop thinking about this, but put it aside at least, and then you will be more yourself at handling these things. That's the real you, not worrying. It'll pass. Worrying any more than this will lower your self-esteem. Be a bit more positive about the future, don't expect anything but just be more positive, and I promise you the future will be better for you. :) Any more questions, I am here!

Answer 2

I know exactly how you feel! What you have just wrote is me in a nutshell but I'm getting better and I know you will too!!!!
The way i did it was First going on Holiday by myself then while i was on holiday i was offered a job as a travel rep. I confronted my shyness straight on and very slowly I'm getting much better it was a stepping stone I've done things i never dreamed i would do Public speaking to a crowd of 40-50 people Karaoke (Very Bad Singer) but i did it. Still Shy but not as shy as i was. Good Luck don't get Depressed you will find a way you have already started by asking the question on Yahoo Answers Well Done!!!!

Answer 3

Uncomfortable around people you don't know comes from a good upbringing with parents or other trusted adults in your life who have taught you to be leary of strangers, this often over-reacts in Puberty and Post-Puberty, you will outgrow it, but you must not allow it to defeat you and cause you to be depressed, I promise dude, it WILL pass....like totally pass. Accept the man you are becoming and recognize it for what it is....growth....although sometimes painful to the soul and spirit, it is good and you will be much stronger in the near future, be patient my young friend and you WILL be rewarded as you become the kind, considerate, social individual you are destined for. You are already overcoming this by opening up on this question and answer site....congratulations!

Answer 4

Get on stage, take acting classes, or something that will force you to par take in "getting out there"

My wife and I are both social cripples, but both of us are confident and strong people.

The unfortunate thing is that during the middle of a conversation people will just turn and walk away, no explanation, no nothing, just turn and walk away. So we both understand your situation, we have tried to change, but nothing works. You are young enough that you should be able to change.

Best of luck, and hope you get past this.

Answer 5

hey here is a tip, try writing notes to the person u want to get to know and tell them that u r shy but u want to get to know them.

Answer 6

Just get drunk!