Envisioning thoughts,
Hopes and dreams,
It is all so easy,
Or so it seems.
Hundreds of ideas,
And on the lists goes
But as we go on
The list narrows.
the theme is mission... does the beginning sound ok?? for a 13 year old?? how can i improve on it..this is just the first bit
2007-09-02 16:47:44 · 11 answers · asked by I'm insane 3 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
or is this better?
Envisioning thoughts,
Hopes and dreams,
It is all so easy,
Or so it seems.
Hundreds of ideas,
Thoughts galore,
We know what we want
We want to soar
2007-09-02 17:11:29 · update #1
I would personally prefer your second beginning. If you are 13, you should be full of life, optimistic and excited to soar. No matter what challenge you had to inspire this poem, teenagers like us should still be eager to take on life! Poems are meant to reflect your true feelings, not to be empty and shallow. So your second beginning would sound more sincere, exciting and fresh. =) If you need improvements, just remember that feelings are crucial in the making of a brilliant poem!
Good work and keep pouring your thoughts into words! =D
2007-09-02 17:32:21 · answer #1 · answered by pure ice 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You have a very good sense of rhyme and rhythm for a 13-year-old. No teenager on here has ever written this well. The only thing that you might fix is the last word. Narrows has an accent on the first syllable. Your rhyme and meter call for the stress to be at the end.
2007-09-03 00:36:18 · answer #2 · answered by Ronnie 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
both are great. you could use the first example you gave us as the beginning and make up the middle, then use the last example you gave us as the end. that way, you will have a bit of repitition and the ending ....we want to soar would show the reader just exaclty how the list narrows to the one main goal of your dreams and visions. it will be beautiful!
2007-09-03 03:35:45 · answer #3 · answered by christy 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
over all it sounds good, but i don't really like the line "and on the list goes". it just doesn't seem to flow with the rest of the poem.
2007-09-02 23:59:35 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
The poem you have written is very nice & thoughtful. Keep up the great work!
2007-09-03 12:56:44 · answer #5 · answered by CRONKERS 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I love the beggining of this poem!!!! I really don't think you need to improve. Keep on going, it's great!
2007-09-02 23:57:11 · answer #6 · answered by Roxy 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is a good start, but do not truncate your thoughts to make a rhyming scheme
2007-09-02 23:57:05 · answer #7 · answered by Experto Credo 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think the second one flows better and I like it very much. You're sweet and it shows in your writing.
2007-09-03 01:57:03 · answer #8 · answered by DeborahDel 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I prefer the revised one esp. 'thoughts galore'. what about "It is all too easy"? nice opening all the same.
2007-09-03 00:45:34 · answer #9 · answered by ari-pup 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
ur a 13 year old!wow gr8 wonder!
2007-09-03 07:38:59 · answer #10 · answered by aditi 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋