What are some good Psychology jokes?

Question

They need to be very funny, and can be links to comics, jokes ect. But they also need to be appropriate to have on my teachers website (psychology 101). All innapropriate answers will be overlooked. Thank you.

Answer 1

I told my psychologist I had suicidal tendencies and he told me I had to pay in advance.

Answer 2

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.


A man goes to a Psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can't stop thinking about sex."
The Psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots. "What is this a picture of?" he asks.
The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologist says, "very interesting," and shows the next picture. "And what is this a picture of?"
The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this a picture of?"
The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with sex."
"Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"


A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"


In a psychiatrist's waiting room two patients are having a conversation. One says to the other, "Why are you here?".
The second answers, "I'm Napoleon, so the doctor told me to come here."
The first is curious and asks, "How do you know that you're Napoleon?"
The second responds, "God told me I was."
At this point, a patient on the other side of the room shouts, "NO I DIDN'T!"

Answer 3

Psychologist Jokes

Answer 4

At last, god appeared to humans and said:

"I have come to assess the situation of my creation.
I want men to form two queues - one queue for
men who dominated their women, and the other
for men who were dominated by their women.
Further, I want all the women to go away so that no
man and woman can talk while the queues are formed"

When God came back after a while, the women are gone
and there are two queues. The queue for the men who
were dominated by their women is 100 miles long.
In the other queue, there is only one man.

God got angry and said, "You men should be ashamed
of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you
are not using what you can. Look at the only
one of my sons who stood up in the other queue
and made me proud. Learn from him!"

The men did not give reply.

"Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the
only one in this queue?"

The man replied, "I do not know sir! My wife told me
to stand here."

Answer 5

Welcome to Psychology Self-Help Line.

For Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, press 1 repeatedly.

For co-dependants, we will send a representative over to press 2 for you.

For multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

For schizophrenic owners, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until a representative comes on the line.

For depression, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will respond.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you are paranoid, they know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so they can trace the call.

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What did the Bhuddist say to the hot dog vendor? "Make me one with everything." What did the hot dog vendor say when the Bhuddist asked for change? "Change must come from within"

Answer 6

OK, a guy goes into a psychologist and says, "Doc, sometimes I think I'm a wigwam and sometimes I think I'm a tee pee. One day a wigwam, the next day a tee pee. What's wrong with me?"
The doc says, "You're just two tents!"

And of course there's the old Rodney Dangerfield one; "I went to a psychologist and he said I was crazy. I said I want a second opinion. He says OK, you're ugly too!"
peace

Answer 7

Two behavioural psychologists walk past each other in a hallway. One says "You're fine....how am I doing?" lol

How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb? None, the light bulb will change when its ready.


Voltaire: So sorry to hear about your luck =( I work for the Psych. department at my school and do CBT with my fellow students..perhaps you can do the same?

Answer 8

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

It has a lot of psychology. It tricks you into trying to come up with a clever, ironic answer, as common in jokes, but faces you with a simple, obvious conclusion.

Answer 9

How about that so many high school students go to college to major in psychology and get their degree and find it worthless? That's a joke.

Answer 10

I like big butts and i cannot lie
you udda bruddas cant deny
when a girl walks in widda itty bitty waist and a round thang in yo face you get SPRUNG
OVERLOOK THAT!!