What do you think bout this? (honest opinions)?

Question

One petal…The others have fallen…
hidden within a stone…
yearns for the day the missing will sprout…
Rain pores…
Soaked, cold, & forgotten...
Clouds spread, it’s days feel dead..
Slowly a small shine appears from the south..
it is but just a crack of warm light..
it could hardly see it beneath the dark stone…
Knowing what’s across the small crack..
Dreaming of the day it was once surrounded near the other peddles.
One peddle…Would give anything to feel the life of that day just once more before it shrivels up & dies..
Feels nothing but the weight of the stone, nothing more…
One petal, Shrivels bit by bit, till there is nothing left but tiny pieces of of it left...
One petal...Till this day lays beneath that cold stone…that never moves…Even with the gust of strong winds, it still does not nudge...not even an inch…
Kept in the dark...
for what feels like an eternity...

Answer 1

To be honest, I don't like it... It's very rough, kind of hard to get an image and bit difficult to get an feeling from it. And 1 line, "Slowly a small shine of warm appears from the south... it is but just a crack of warm light.." The crack reminds me of Ozzy Osborn's, 'No more tears'. "The light in the window is a crack in the sky"...

Plus, the sun, which I'm assuming is what's making this 'shine'...? Doesn't come from the south. And, "One petal, Shrivels bit by bit, 'til there is nothing left but tiny pieces of it left..." You could've done without the extra 'left'. Especially since it doesn't make any sense then. I mean you said nothings going be left, but then you tell me the pedals gonna be left, only smaller... Plus, ya could've done without, "...bit by bit...", too...

And, if this is about a 'pedal', pedals...don't live that long... They live about as long as a goldfish. You make it sound like it's going through this for months. It would be brilliant if you made this out to be about a soldier!

You might need to change a bit, though... unless it'd about a female solider, which is rarely, if ever done.

Anyways, back to the poem you have now. When you start, you mention the rain 'pours', then go right to "Soaked, cold, & forgotten..." Your not telling me who or what your talking about...? The rain??

Plus, what's across that small crack...? You never told me that, but you mentioned the pedal knows what's there; I'd like to know, too. And "Feels nothing..." Could use a word there to make it sound...less like a caveman... Plus you did it again, there; repeated your word. "Feel nothing but the weight of the stone, nothing more..." There's nothing, I get it...

And is it, "Til this day...", or ' to this day', that the pedals sitting there? Even though you just told me it's dead 'cause shriveled. "...bit by bit..."

I'm no too sure of the pedal, a pedal, resisting even a strong wind, or gust of wind. That seems a bit impossible.

Now, I don't mean to sound at all rude, or offensive, or anything else. I really don't. But that's my honest opinion 'n I thought I should point out the false 'n what I don't like or whatever, rather than just saying, 'I hate it'. So there ya go...

It seems like your trying to talk in a certain way. Like in a 'mystic', 'mumbo-jumbo', 'fancy wizard' way. Ya know what I mean? You can do without that. It's not needed for poetry. you just need to be expressive of yourself, your feelings, your thoughts, your opinions... Talk like yourself, not wizard.

Luck.

Answer 2

Okay, I would not waste your time with less than an honest opinion. So here it is: While, some of the typos detract, and make me unsure of some of your meaning, there is something compelling here. I like the first image of this poem. You also have some interesting lines in here, and some tension. I think if you cleaned up the issues I could be more specific for you, but I can say this much--I see a lot of promise here. It's interesting.

Answer 3

kind of melancholic. give it a title.
reconsider 'it’s days feel dead' - how?, 'a small shine' - you mean "ray"?, 'other peddles' - mean pebbles or you mean the verb? 'rain pores' - or pours?, "crack" is not a suitable word-choice here.
Recast this line: "till there is nothing left but tiny pieces of of it left." And lay/lie here: "Till this day lays beneath that cold stone."
good luck

Answer 4

why is poem has to be so grey and sorrow! it is a good one, i like it a lot, but it just give me this life is full of painness feelings(and it's true!) , r u unhappy? the left petal will met (or found by)another match petal, the sun will shine again, wish u well!

Answer 5

I like this. You have a very artistic approach. It needs fixing here and there, but overall, very nice.

Answer 6

i like it reminds me of hope and a light at end of a tunnel
not to give up hope and dreams

Answer 7

It calls your attention until the very last word.
Nice.

Answer 8

It's very nice. Smart.

Answer 9

HONESTLY its very touching!

Answer 10

It's really sad...