Poem: Premature (comments welcome. Please let me know what you think)?

Question

This is the result of some ideas I've been kicking around--highly personal ones, but not sure if they fully work yet. This is a very early draft. I want to thank ObscureB and Margot for some invaluable pre-posting comments. Any feedback is appreciated. Thank you.

Premature

The Birthing was like bloating
from that extra slice of cheesecake.
Nothing expansive:
the rack of lamb, red potatoes

of normal mothers with smiles,
not pained closed zippers.
It was like a gallstone,
a boring sting with no reward,

to be forgotten
not spoken above whispers.
It was astonishing
that this tinyredwrinkled thing could

breathe its wet wheezes.
No bigger than one of those asthmatic handbag
dogs, silent judges
and mocking,

pretty, pale blue bows.
There would be no cigars, handshakes,
glad slaps on shoulders.
The room filled with embarrassed grins,

vague apologies,
like sitting constipated
in a public bathroom stall
listening for each quick rattle,

each agitated
successive
Bang!
As patrons come and go.

It lingered afterwards
like a bad meal in a greasy spoon.
You paid, and paid, and paid,
too sickened to eat, too guilty to leave

the Styrofoam box behind--
The damning evidence
of leftovers
unwanted, undigested.

Melody: sorry about your loss. I know the topic isn't pleasant. It is not about the loss of a child though it is about a premature birth...leading to complications (autobiographical). I'm not going for shock value, but it is meant to be ugly--again though it wasn't my intent to cause you pain.

I didn't say it wasn't a great subject. I said it wasn't a pleasant subject. I know theres an ugliness to it. Welcome to life. Sometimes I write pretty things--this is not one of those times. Melody I'm honestly not trying to write things to hurt people, but explore isolation and pain I've experienced that is common to the human condition. I find your other examples a little unfair honestly--but hey I get that you don't like it, I'm perfectly fine with that.

Lori: I was a little over two pounds and did not come home from the hospital for over two months. I can relate to your sister quite well.

Ari: Thank you for the excellent additions. I have already made the changes on rewrite.

Answer 1

complexly thought-provoking especially "those asthmatic handbag/ dogs, silent judges/and mocking," wow!
I like the image:
"bloating
from that extra slice of cheesecake.
Nothing expansive:
the rack of lamb, red potatoes"
But would add 'no' before all these human whims: no cigars, handshakes,/ glad slaps on shoulders." for emphasis.
The disgust is well captured in this parallelism "too sickened to eat, too guilty to leave" and the last stanza, simply marvelous.
Wouldn't "beyond" be better than "above" here:
"not spoken above whispers"?

Answer 2

Todd, This is great! In short, you've allowed the reader an experience that is effective because there's a truth there. Something affected you and you translated it. In other, better words: "We had the experience but missed the meaning, And approach to the meaning restores the experience In a different form, beyond any meaning We can assign to happiness." T.S. Eliot. For those who want puppies and kittens,You've written something visceral, real and valuable. Kudos & Thank you!

Answer 3

Todd,

This is great! In short, you've allowed the reader an experience that is effective because there's a truth there. Something affected you and you translated it.
In other, better words:
"We had the experience but missed the meaning,
And approach to the meaning restores the experience
In a different form, beyond any meaning
We can assign to happiness." T.S. Eliot.

For those who want puppies and kittens,You've written something visceral, real and valuable. Kudos & Thank you!

Answer 4

D*mn powerful piece you have here Todd, it does bring back memories of a little boy I lost at 5 months along (he would be almost 17) I truly loved your meta in this piece, it is a very awkward incident for the others who await a child and yet most upsetting for the parents, I however, went through mine alone...

I'll try to hunt down the one I wrote for my son...


Loved this piece *^_^*

@)~>~ All the Very Best, Shad ♥

Answer 5

And now I know why it is I like most of your answers. You do the things you tell others to do, and you do it well. A double thumbs up, and hopefully I'll get to read more from you. It's some of the best non-rhyming poetry I have ever read, and ranks really high against most of the rhyming, even my own lol.

Answer 6

Hey that defenitley has rhythm I think it would do well as slam poetry a great performance piece. It has some strong emotion. I like it! Keep Writting!

Answer 7

Congrats Todd i like it. Very original composition.

But it is very frustating to the Mothers. Could you make a poem on rebirth or something like Born Free.

Good day!

Answer 8

I was a primi. Mom says she's the only one that wanted to hold me. I got better.

This piece is soul shaking. You don't want to read on and you cannot stop.

Perfectly executed. I loved hating it or hated loving it...

Answer 9

Sad but Good
Thanks for showing your inner feelings
Hope to read more of your poems

Answer 10

Todd,
You named your poem appropriately
Premature
This was written very well
and it brings memories back
of my sister.