how do i get my child to school when he suffers with anxiety?

Question

My son has recently been diagnosed with chronic anxiety. He has spent 4 days at school in three weeks and every morning is a nightmare in our house. He is home again this morning and we have threatened all his priveleges (the last ditch effort) but he would rather lose everything than go to school. We start counselling this week but need an instant solution. Help!!!

Answer 1

When your baby was first born, you likely noticed that he or she adapted pretty well to other caregivers. This is typical for most infants. You probably felt more anxiety about being separated than your child did when you first left him or her with a relative, babysitter, or a day care provider! As long as their needs are being met, babies younger than 6 months typically adjust well to other people.

Sometime between 4-7 months, a baby typically develops a sense of object permanence, and begins to learn that things and people exist even when they're out of sight. This is when babies typically start to play the "dropsy" game, when they drop things over the side of the high chair, look for them, and expect the adult to retrieve what they've dropped (which, once retrieved, get dropped again!).

The same thing occurs with their parents. Babies realize that there's only one of you, and when he or she can't see you, that means you've gone away. However, at this point, your child doesn't yet understand the concept of time and doesn't know if or when you'll come back. So whether you're in the kitchen, in the next bedroom, or at the office, it's all the same to your toddler. You've disappeared. Your child will do whatever he or she can to prevent this from happening.

Between 8 months old 1 year old, your child is growing into a more independent toddler - yet he or she is even more uncertain about being separated from you. This is when separation anxiety typically develops, and your child may become agitated and upset whenever you try to leave him or her. Whether you need to go into the next room for just a few seconds, leave your child with a sitter for the evening, or drop off your child at day care, you may find that your child cries, clings to you, and resists attention from others.

The timing of separation anxiety can vary widely from child to child. Some kids may experience it later, between 18 months and 2-1/2 years of age. Some may never experience it. And for others, there are certain life stresses that can trigger feelings of anxiety about being separated from a parent: a new child care situation or caregiver, a new sibling, moving to a new place, or tension at home.

How long does separation anxiety last? It varies from child to child. And it also depends on the child and how the parent responds. In some cases, depending on a child's temperament, separation anxiety can be persistent from infancy and last through the elementary school years. In cases where the separation anxiety interferes with an older child's normal activities, it can be the sign of a deeper anxiety disorder. In cases where the separation anxiety appears out of the blue in an older child, it can be an indication of another problem that the child may be dealing with, like bullying or abuse.

Keep in mind that separation anxiety is usually different from the normal feelings an older child has when he or she doesn't want a parent to leave. In those cases, the distress can usually be overcome if the child is distracted enough, and those feelings will not re-emerge until the parent returns and the child remembers that the parent left.

And your child does understand the effect his or her behavior has on you. If you come running back into the room every time your child cries and then stay with your child longer or cancel your plans completely, your child will continue to use this strategy to avoid separation.

During this stage, you're likely to experience a host of different emotions. It may be gratifying to feel that your child is finally as attached to you as you are to him or her. At the same time, you're likely to feel guilty about taking time out for yourself, leaving your child with a caregiver, or going to work. And you may start to feel overwhelmed by the amount of attention your child seems to need from you.

Try to keep in mind that your child's unwillingness to leave you is a good sign that healthy attachments have developed between the two of you. Eventually your child will be able to remember that you always return after you leave, and these memories will be enough to comfort him or her while you are gone. This also gives your child a chance to develop his or her own coping skills and a little independence.

Making Goodbyes Easier
There are a number of strategies you can use to help ease your child (and yourself) through this difficult period.

Timing is everything. Try not to start day care or child care with an unfamiliar person between the ages of 8 months and 1 year, when separation anxiety is first likely to present itself. Also, try not to leave your child when he or she is likely to be tired, hungry, or restless. If at all possible, schedule your departures for after naps and mealtimes.

Practice. Practice being apart from each other, and introduce new people and places gradually. If you're planning to leave your child with a relative or a new babysitter, then invite that person over in advance so they can spend time together while you're in the room. If your child is starting at a new day care center or preschool, make a few visits there together before a full-time schedule begins. Practice leaving your child with a caregiver for short periods of time so that he or she can get used to being away from you.

Be calm and consistent. Create a goodbye ritual during which you say a pleasant, loving, and firm goodbye. Stay calm and show confidence in your child. Reassure him or her that you'll be back - and explain how long it will be until you return using concepts your child will understand (such as after lunch) because your child can't yet understand time. Give him or her your full attention when you say goodbye, and when you say you're leaving, mean it; coming back will only make things worse.

Follow through on promises. It's important to make sure that you return when you have promised to return. This is critical, and there can be no exceptions. This is the only way your child will develop the confidence that he or she can make it through this time.
As hard as it may be to leave your child while he or she is screaming and crying for you, it's important to have confidence that the caregiver can handle it. It may help both of you if you set up a time that you will call to check in with the caregiver, maybe 15 to 20 minutes after you leave. By that time, most kids have calmed down are playing with other things. Don't let yourself give in early and call sooner!

If you are caring for another person's child, and that child is experiencing separation anxiety, it's a good idea to try to distract the child with another activity or toy, by being outside, or with songs, games, or anything else that works. You may have to keep trying to distract the child over and over until something just clicks with the child.

Also, it's a good idea not to mention the child's mother or father, but do answer the child's questions about his or her parents in a simple and straightforward way. You might say: "Mommy and Daddy are going to be back as soon as they are done dinner. Let's play with some toys!"

It's Only Temporary
Try to keep sight of the fact that this phase, like many others, will pass. If your child has never been cared for by anyone but you, is naturally shy, or has other stresses, such as a new sibling or a health condition, then it may be worse than it is for other kids. Most kids eventually outgrow it.

At the same time, you should trust your instincts. If your child refuses to go to a certain babysitter or day care center or shows other signs of tensions, such as trouble sleeping or loss of appetite, then there could be a problem with the child care situation.

If intense separation anxiety lasts into preschool, elementary school, or beyond and interferes with your daily activities, it's a good idea to discuss this with your child's doctor. It may be a sign of a more rare but more serious condition known as separation anxiety disorder.

Kids with separation anxiety disorder fear being lost from their family members and are often convinced that something bad will happen when they're apart. It's a good idea to talk with your child's doctor if your child is showing signs of this, which include:

panic symptoms (such as nausea, vomiting, or shortness of breath) or panic attacks before a parent leaves
nightmares about separation
fear of sleeping alone
excessive worry about being lost or kidnapped or going places without a parent
For most kids, the anxiety of being separated from a parent passes without any need for medical attention. But if you have concerns, talk to your child's doctor.

Answer 2

5 Ways:

1. Empty His Bedroom Of All His Favourite Stuff And Say This Is What You Will Have If You Do Not Have An Education.

2. Go Into A Quiet Room And Calmly Say Look, If You Want To Grow Up With No School And No Friends, Fine But Please, With An Education You Can Go Futher.

3.Force Him To School, Throw Him In The Car, Dressed Or Not, And Drive There.

4. Leave Him Alone, Don't Talk To Him Till He Agrees To Go To School

5. Kick Him Out. (Last Resort)

Hope this Helps

Answer 3

He is now classified as having a medical condition- you cant beat that by threatening punishments in fact it will make it worse. If you have never suffered anxiety then you will not necesarliy understand-I have has it and that will not work as you are finding out. It will just make him feel like even you dont understand him and are not on his side. He needs more than anything to feel like you are on is side to help his anxiety. Im not sure how you can make him go to school but this is not a case of NORMAL disobedience-in fact he will not be able to control it- and threatening to remove priveleges as if it was just normal disobeience will not work and will not help him emotionally. He has no control over his anxiety and you need to just wait -there are no instant solutions. A few weeks of school is bad and I can understand ur frustration but focus please upon the bigger picture, there are no quick fix solutions.

Anxiety is often caused by not fitting in at school-in fact if your son felt accepted by his peers then he would not feel like this-there is nothing worse at school than knowing that no one wants to be close to you. Have you tried talking to him about making friends and how to do so? it dosent come naturally to all kidsand sometimes they need their self esteem boosting or just someone to put their problems into perspective. If hes worrying about other ppl there and if they accept him then try telling him that popularity is not the most important thing in the world and that he has many other good qualities. Try and have a heart to heart or just a chat to find out what it is that makes him anxious-these problems dont happen ut of the blue and there will be some issue hes worrying about - even if hes too afraid to bring it up because of what you might think.
When I was bullied at school, basically everyone used to leave me out all the time and never talk to me- i was too ashamed to tell anyone becuase I thought they would take the side of the kids and say "yes, you are weird". Let him know that that stuff isnt important to you and that you will always love him as your son and teach him not to care about what others think and to be strong inside. Try complimenting him and developing an interest he has together, so he can feel competant at something, and confident about himself even if hes not the most popular boy in the class.

Answer 4

Hi there, I just laugh about my past 3 years of panic now. I was not able to go anywhere without carrying xanax. Fear of having another attack was the most important subject of my days.When i first found joe barry's web site i started to cry because of my happiness.

Free audio to end anxiety and panic attacks fast?

Answer 5

I'd be finding out what the reason is he doesn't want to go to school. I assume he'd go to WalMart and buy a new game??? The therapy should help, make sure the therapist is a child psychologist.

Answer 6

A child can feel what people around them are feeling. Before they could talk they learnt how to read your feelings, facial expressions etc. So if you are feeling anxious he would be feeling it too. So he would be worrying about you being anxious. Therapy will help him overcome these feelings.

Answer 7

Cruel to be kind:

Tell him that 'friends' are needed in life, and that if he doesn't go to school... he won't make any friends and he'll be 'unhappy' for the rest of his life.

& neither of you want that???

Answer 8

In a sack