any ideas on how to improve a marriage gone lost?

Question

my husband and i have been married more than 5 years, together for nearly 7, and in the beginning we were best friends, and never wanted to be apart from each other. we had an argument the other day, not really a forceful one and i said to him " it feels like we're not even married any more. you know?" he said yes real quietly, and i said "doesn't that bother you?" and he answered yes, it does. It's the first time he's shown any indication that he's hurting as much as me and wants to fix it. Since then, we have been real careful to respect each other, and be friendly again, but does anyone have any ideas maybe to start over and keep on that good path we started? oh, we have a 5 year old autistic child, so it is a factor in our stress.

Answer 1

I am sorry to hear what you are going through, yet it's good to hear you both have just acknowleged there is a problem. Men frequently have a had time admitting there is a problem, so he should be commended for doing so. Just imagine how vunerable he felt when he admitted that. Sorry to say this, but it is impossible to "start over". As much as you try, you will never be able to pretend that your relationship has always been the best. You two REALLY need to go find a good, LICENSED marriage counselor - and a sex counselor if that is a problem, too. It would be even better to find one that specializes in both. You may not find a good one on the first try, so just keep looking. You two need to sit down with an impartial person who will talk to both of you and allow you to realize what is going wrong and what needs to change. A good counselor will also help you recall what it was that brought you two together in the first place. They can also help you deal with the stress that comes along with raising your autistic child. What you don't need is someone pointing the blame on either one of you for what is going on. Do not enlist the help of a friend or family member, as they will likely take sides and unconsciously make the problem worse. My heart is with your family. Good Luck, Hon.

P.S. Do everything that you can to make things work. And remember, it can always get better.

Answer 2

This is an ideal time to get couples counseling; It works when both partners acknowledge that they are hurting, and want to get back to the Good old days.

An impaired child places very heavy burdens on a marriage, and some people are just not up to the task. You may need some outside help with the child. Talk about it.

It's good that you and your husband had this CONVERSATION ; now you know that both of your are hurting, and you're in a position to explore why.

What happens is that people think that they can get married and live happily ever after without doing anything to make that happen. You can't. You have to work very hard at building a relationship. Generally, the first stages of wedded bliss is based on the sexual attraction between two people. If they do not work on the partnership, however, and just rely on the sex to keep them happy, then after five years, the marriage is stale, and/or sliding downhill. The sex can't sustain it.

So get some counseling with a qualified family or couples therapist; ask your Dr. or your minister for a referral.
Pls note: many ministers attempt to do this, but are not qualified by training, may not be what you need.

Answer 3

My son is 5 and Autistic as well, I hear you.

The fact you both recognize you have lost your way says a thousand words. Also that you both see, know, and want to fix it- that is a jumpstart. You're not in as much trouble as you think. Life is hard with an Autistic child- mine likes to dump out containers of juice and shampoo. He is very sneaky! Life is always going to be hard, but it's all in how you take it, and how you deal with it. The best I can say is- see if you can curb the stresses you are caused by your son- I'm not sure what he does, but if it's like my son- I had to lock everything up, and hide stuff. Doing that took a load off my mind. Secondly, I would say go to a counselor who is prepared to have your son around- he should understand what you are going through anyway. Maybe he could give you some construcive ideas on how to change or divert everyone's behaviors. Also, it just helps to have a sound board, and sort out what issues really are problems, and what are filler problems. Reasses your goals as far your marriage, and work hard to reach and maintain them. Make sure they are realistic, and start off small. Like I said- life is hard enough already- having one or more Autistic children is even harder. There is nothing better than team work- that's what a marriage is. It needs to be 50/50. Also- you're both in this for the long haul, you might as well make the best of it as you can... Good Luck to all of you!

Answer 4

Arguments are the fact of life in a marriage. Do not see too much into things, and do not try to go back to things as they were in the beginning. This will only lead to disaster.

You have grown together and accepted each other for this long, and to go back to forget the time whether hard or good would not be forgotten.

Marriage life is a ladder that you climb and each day you pass is a new rung in the ladder, with new obstacles to pass. By running away and starting again will only over-right anything you have been through so far together.

Sit down and talk and continue your life with a more understanding of what your relationship's maturity is at.

Talk, talk, talk. do not take a step back. Your child has no bearing in your relationship, and do not use your child as a marker in that.

Answer 5

I've been where you are now only for different reasons and while we did have a child, it was not one with problems such as autism.

I realize money is tight and not everyone has insurance but if you do, perhaps it is time you and your husband seek marriage counseling. It sounds as if the love and trust is still there. The path has just grown deeper and further apart from where you were before.

The best thing you can do is have someone take care of your son one or two nights when you and your husband can sit down and discuss your feelings, the good and the bad. Remember to be calm and not allow it to turn into an argument. Remain civil. Somewhere along the time I think you will find your way back to each other.

If it helps you at all, know that my husband and I are two totally different people now when comparing us to the relationship and lives we had 20 years ago or even 10 years ago. We came close to calling it quits three times in all these years but somehow we managed to talk out our problems and frustrations. Once everything was on the table and spelled out for each of us we began to find ways to be together again. He still works in underground construction although he is management now instead of working for himself and being his own boss. I am a freelance writer and novelist where I once worked in nice office with excellent benefits and decent health. Our problems began after I learned I was losing my sight to a hereditary eye disease. It continued until we both became comfortable with the fact there was no cure and it was one of those things we had to get used to being a part of our lives. Later, I learned I had inoperable nerve damage in my arm causing me to have to resign from a job I loved. Later, I learned I had two autoimmune diseases and joint disease to top it off.

I was angry due to the pain, the loss of the life I was making for us, and angry because there was nothing I could do to stop this from happening. He was going through similar problems because this was not something he could fix. He is a fixer but for these problems, no fix (cures) exists. We did work through the problems though. He learned to control his anger if the house didn't get clean because I was suffering through a flare, which always comes with a temperature of 101 to 102 and a bout of nausea with vomiting until it passed. He became supportive instead of angry about something he could not change.

In the end, we changed what we could, accepted what we could not change, and somehow manage to hold onto each other every day even when we feel like strangling the other. :)

You can get there too. It will take work and it will not be easy but a marriage is compromise, love, and trust. Its time to work on your marriage if you want to save it.

Answer 6

It's so hard. I'm right where you are. The only difference is that after we had that talk, and we were so careful to be nice and respectful, we even got all romantic in the bedroom again, but that only lasted about 3 or maybe 4 weeks. He just moved out 2 weeks ago. We're still seeing each other, but I just don't know if it can be fixed.I think we maybe let it get too far away before we did anything to fix it. We've discussed maybe getting couples therapy, but neither one of us has taken a step in that direction. I don't know what is going to happen at this point, but I certainly wish you luck. I know how hard it can be to get that love back!

Answer 7

You can't start over and yes, you do have a huge stress factor. Might find a parents support group if you are into that kind of thing.

You've also hit the 7 year mark which is one of the big ones for divorce.

On the upside you accidentally communicated to each other. You each recognize the situation and you've taken steps to stabilize it.

The behavior feels odd, almost ersatz, but that's normal. You've reached the point in your marriage and relationship where the real work of staying married begins.

Good luck.

Answer 8

First of all, I am so sorry that you are going through this with your wife. It sounds like to me, she may be Bi-Polar or have some sort of chemical imbalance. A lot of these conditions do not manifest themselves until, say, menopause time. You are a punching bag right now for her, because she does not expect you to leave. I bet if you really did decide to find your back bone, and leave, she would be so suprised and beg you to stay, and tell you she would do anything you wanted her to, ie counseling ect. Just a little clue as well, women do not respect men that let them walk all over them. It is a turn off, seriously, and they treat them like crap. Women respect men who know who they are and what they want. If you do end up moving out, and it backfires on you, then at least you have a chance at being happy. Life's short my man, dont forget it could be over tomorrow, and you're completely miserable. Things only change when someone decides to change them, right?

Answer 9

You are both on the right track it sounds like to me. I would make a promise to each other to spend one night or afternoon together with out your child as your date night so you both can reconnect. Try hard to only discuss things that are positive and leave arguments and deep discussions for a later time. I would continue being honest with each iother and make time to talk each day about what is bothering you both and treat your spouse the way that you want to be treated by him. I leave little notes now and then to my hisband in his wallet or car so he will know that I am thinking of him and love him. We have been married almost 13 years and we are very much in love and it is WORK. Realtionships married ones included require both people working towards the same goal a life long connection that is honest and true, loving and respectful. You can do it and if you need to try and speak with a family counselor or therapist if the issues between you are to hard to work out on your own. Good Luck

Answer 10

i'm so glad to hear that you both referred to the beginning of your relationship.

that is exactly where i think a review should begin. all of what you are should be nurtured so that it will become strong enough in the face of any adversity. your feelings were such that you became one.

as to your child, if you are able, you could look into the professional assistance of someone who could free up some time that you both could enjoy yourselves with. there are people available with experience to care for a child, such as yours, on a part time basis; like a babysitter....if you will.

in the first place, relationships are hard. life throws you adversity when you least expect it. don't ragg on yourself or each other. you need each other.

"beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. you are a child of the universe. no less than the trees and the stars, you have a right yo be here. and whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt, the universe is unfolding as it should"

that is an excerpt from the "desiderata" available on the Internet.

i wish you the strength and ability to find comfort and peace of mind.