Am I being unreasonable?

Question

My hubby has been working non-stop all summer. The last couple of nights he has wandered in around 2:00 in the morning. He is NEVER home for dinner and leaves first thing in the morning. I have been asking for some time with him for over a month. Nothing big...just a movie. He has yet to take me. However, he does manage to take a break from work to go and play soccer. I feel like a single parent. I work, cook, clean, and play with the kids all on my own. The hubby does take the kids to his soccer games and lets them come to work with him sometimes, but I am lonely. I appreciate the fact that he is ambitious and a hard worker, but is it too much to ask for a little attention? Hopefully, the non-stop work hours end soon. I NEVER complain, but the one time I mentioned that I felt overwhelmed his response was "quit feeling sorry for yourself". Sorry...that was long. Anyway, do you think I am being unreasonable?
Oh, for those of you that suspect cheating...he's not.

To jjjjj - I do go to some of his games, but not all. If the baby is fussy I usually stay home with her. I make every effort to spend time with him. It is just not reciprocated. I appreciate your honesty....I suppose I could relax a bit.

To Shock - Nope, he is not gay. He is not spending hours at work to hang with the guys. It is a family business.....he is spending time with his brothers. He is simply a hard worker. As far as his extra activities go it is because he enjoys competitive sports. He plays in basketball, soccer, and baseball leagues.

Answer 1

No you're not being unreasonable..This has been my life... We try do do our best, being the best wife and mother possible. Living the perfect life, or so it seems, to everyone around us. Always being there for everyone, while there's never anyone there for us, when we really need someone. Always putting our needs aside, until finally the loneliness becomes unbearable, and we start feeling miserable...Seems like we are always the unreasonable ones for asking for alitte attention, while they are working so hard. We work just as hard 24/7.. Working, taking care of our children, cooking, and cleaning. It never ends for us. Yet, they are always the victims...I hope things change for you, before you reach the falling out of love stage, like we have. I'm sorry I didn't really offer any good advice, just think about yourself, you also have the right to be happy. Do things you enjoy doing , you deserve it, friend.

Answer 2

No, I don't think he's cheating. I think he has his priorities screwed up.

When a couple marry, they make a commitment to put one another first. Work, even the kids, should not interfere with the relationship between a husband and a wife. You should be partners.

Long after the career is over and the kids are gone, it's going to be the two of you and if you do not take time to foster and nurture that relationship even during these growing years when he's pursuing his career and the kids are small, you will one day find yourself married to a virtual stranger.

You are not being unreasonable. He needs a reality check. He needs to sit down and listen to what you are telling him, and YOU have to make him do just that. You need to set some boundaries. A date night once a week for just the two of you should not be out of the question. A family night once a week should be mandatory.

Take him by the hand and make him listen. You are not feeling sorry for yourself and he needs to lose the attitude really quickly. You are his partner, not his maid and nanny.

Answer 3

Marriage meant spending time together, but life has a way of getting in the middle of that sometimes. Put yourself in his shoes, what if you had to work such long hours for a time and felt pressure from your kids and husband for time?

I think he takes time out for his soccer games because that is HIS time and escape from work. It's probably where he can vent some of that stress so that he doesn't take it out on you and the kids. Have a little more patience and give him some more of YOUR attention. Go to these soccer games.

Answer 4

If your husband continues to spend all his time either working or playing soccer to blow off tension, presumably, he will find that his family will eventually become strangers to him.

Workaholism is a form of abandonment. It is saying to the family that everything at work is more important than time with them.

Your husband needs to look at the hours he spends away and the hours he spends at home and try to let go of his work a little to get the two to balance out.

You are not the one who is having problems with priorities here.

Answer 5

To be honest....I don't know anymore. I want to spit fir when anyone says anything about "family values" or "for the sake of the children" when this society does everything to KEEP that from happening.

I was married to a guy. He did everything in the world for the kids....but nothing for me. I thought it was a phase.....something we needed to get through. He ended up developing "friendships" with women he worked with because he spent more time with them. I ended up developing friendships with guys I worked with simply because I spent more time with them. In all honesty I don't beleive anyone intended to ruin relationships but it happened. I remember them telling me to find the time for my husband.....but I didn't because I was too busy trying to be the perfect mother. I was a perfect mother. He was a perfect father. But neither was the perfect husband or wife.

Sorry if this takes this away from the topic....but parents get sick...parents have to care for children and aging parents. Take health care away from the middle and you crush it. Just like income and everything else.

So no.....you aren't unreasonable for asking what you should get. Problem is when you can't get what you should have.

Answer 6

No you are not being unreasonable at all.....My husband recently took on a new job where it may require 80+ hours a week...He was given the advise to make sure you take care of the little missus at home...because someone else will if you don't. When he is home he wants to spend time with me....everything else comes last. I am sorry that your husband doesn't see the need to keep yours and his relationship strong and healthy....by not spending time with just you he is bound to cause some resentment from you and your marriage is going to suffer a blow.

Answer 7

So why don't you go to the soccer games with him and the kids? He works hard at bringing home the money, and when he does take some time to do something else besides work, then he bothers to include his family so he can stay in touch with them. You are the one excluding yourself because it seems like during this busy time in his life you wish to have him all to yourself or not at all. So yes, as I see it, right now you are being unreasonable.

Additional: You do say that it has only been a month that you have been asking for some one on one time with him. While this may seem like a long time to you it really isn't. Nor is it much time to establish new routines to give you some alone time with him.

It sounds as though his work hours aren't established in that he never really knows how long he will be at work on any given work day. I would venture to guess that he would like to spend some alone time with you, but with the vagueness of working hours and the pressures at work, then this would be difficult. He wishes to and needs to unwind from work, wherein comes his playing soccer. Being with just you instead of playing soccer wouldn't allow him to unwind in the manner he needs to. I doubt that you would want to be with him in the state of mind he'd be in should he forgo playing soccer and not have that release, either. So doing this helps him and he can also include the kids, without either interfering with the other but rather working off of each other.

I would suggest that you let him know that you understand that he needs to let loose in order to refresh himself enough to go back to work again. Establish that you don't want to interfere in this, but would like it if he would try to include an hour or so of some alone time with you. Make your request about the two of you being together again as a couple for a short time during all of the hecticness, not about you and your wants alone. This way you assure him that your request is about him as well.

Answer 8

Talk with him and tell him that you want to try to spend some time with him. Make the effort to go with him to the games when he takes the kids and make it a family outing. I think that men sometimes think we know they want to spend time with us but do not know how to verbalize it. He sounds like a hard worker and you do to. Those are good and no you are not being unresonable but you do have to tell him what is going on inside of you he will not be able to solve the issue unless you discuss it more indepthly. men do not read our minds it is our job to tell them. Suggest things that you both want to do. Have a date night once a week, try it. If all else fails try couples therapy. Good Luck. Kimba

Answer 9

my fiance whom i live with and we have a child probably feels a lot like you do...i do work a lot, and occassionally i have to turn up the heat and work even more. she does complain, but at least understands that more work should equal more money, which in my case it does...i would say that every-so-often to put more time in is essential, but unless working all those extra hours is really bringing in the type of money that is worth an absentee in the family then you are in the right...

also, i do play golf...but, if i havent put any time in with the family, i myself feel that i should pick my family over the golf course...your husband should really prioritize any of his free time.

Answer 10

Why ask the question when you don't want to hear the obvious answer?
Sounds like your husband has lost all interest in you.
If he's spending excessive time away from you, hanging with the guys he may be on the "down low".
Translation...He prefers the company of men.
Wives are usually the very very last to know because they refuse to believe their guy could be gay.