help me figure this out I am in love and scared?

Question

I think I have somewhat figured out part of this relationship problem I am having. We have been dating since we were young about 16or 17 I think. we are both 28 now and have to beuatiful children together. She is working with a bunch of single women who are about two to four years younger than her that she is calling friends I mean they are that is good. But what I think is going on is she is seeing these single people some mothers all going out and having a good time at bars and other places and she never got to have that life and now she wants it but she has given up on our family to be able to do this I dont hate her for it but I dont agree with the way she is approaching it. she wants to ba able to go out and do all of this stuff and she dont relize that she is hurting our family by wanting to seperate to do this I want to be with her and would love to be able for her to go out and be with friends and hang out with her friends but I would have to beg her to spend any time with me

She didnt want to spend tome with me or our kids but she wants to go out and act like a single person again and do the things she never got to do I have no problem with her going out and growing up but I dont feel that she is thinking of our kids by the way she is approaching this to happen what am I to do and is it possible for me to ever be together with her again I cant let go or give up I have been in my childrens shoes and cant do this to them and she dont understand that please help dont tell me to give up I just cant

I am willing to give her space and let her do some of the stuff she wants to do but she would rather give up on me and do this without even giving me a chance to be a family again with her she wants to do this witout me at all in the pic so how can I do it

Answer 1

Whatever happens in your relationship, I hope you can teach your kids that education and having a childhood and youth are important before settling down. That being said, tell her that if she continues to behave this way, you will take her to court for a divorce and full custody of the kids, since she isn't interested in being a mom.

Answer 2

You're in a bad position and the only thing you can do is really look out for your children. It sounds like she is having some sort of mid life crisis way too early and that is sad that she doesn't see the wonderful things she has in her life.

I got married at 17 and had 2 children when I was 21 and 28 and I never had this problem.

Can you talk to her calmly and find out why she can't see how she is neglecting her family for a single life? It's really hard to raise children on your own and if she just doesn't love you anymore and wants to be single, she should say that.

Be prepared to be a single dad if she doesn't stop this. She's not in the family unit at all right now and she needs a wake up call.

Answer 3

Sounds like a familiar story. If she was on drugs you could be considered an , "enabler". That is the person that takes up all the other responsibilities so the other can be free to paint the town. You have a "stay at home mentality" and now you are paying the price by having a more social and out going partner. Talk to you parents, set up some overnight stays for the kids and get out. You are to wrapped up in feeling sorry for yourself and using those kids as a crutch and they can't be made to make mom feel guilty. Quit trying to "give her chances". You are just doing exactly what she expects you to do. Stay at home with the kids and stay out of her way. Quit your whining and give the night life a look at least once a week. Good luck.

Answer 4

You can't change her mind, maybe she is not in love with you anymore and is using this as an excuse to get away from you. If she won't go to a marriage counsler, or have a heart to heart talk with you, then there is nothing you can do. You can tell her that you'll be there waiting for her if she ever grows up and misses the family life, if she doesn't wait too long. That way if you get tired of waiting, at least you haven't broken any promise to her. Sometimes loving something means to let go and in this case, maybe you should. It's not an easy thing to do but now you need to be concerned about you and your children and try to make the best of it, and it wouldn't hurt to get counsling for yourself and children. I wish you all the best. Good luck.

Answer 5

One of the problems today's youth is experiencing is that they want grown-up relationships at a young age before they are ready for it. Then they become parents early and feel tied down at a time when they see other people their age out enjoying themselves.

You two have put yourselves in this situation, but you are handling it differently.

Once you have a child, no matter how old you are when you have the child, you have to put aside childish things and become a parent. When one or both parents cannot do that, the children are left at the mercy of an immature adult.

If the mother of your children is determined to leave and recapture a youth she believes she lost, you cannot force her to stay. She will eventually learn that all the decisions she has made in her life have consequences with which she will sooner or later have to deal.

All you can do at this point is to give your kids the love and attention they need and to be a good parent yourself. Just a word of advice, because my cousin's son just went through a similar situation with his wife I am going to tell you that you MUST be certain to take legal steps to make sure you are the custodial parent of these children and that the mother cannot just traipse in and out of their lives or uproot them according to her whims. If you don't do that, you will regret it.

Good luck.

Answer 6

I'm sure you have told her how you feel. I will not be the first to say this... If you keep telling a person, that have not fully matured, to behave better, they will go toward bad behavior even more. I would say,'' stop saying anything at all''. Let her have the rope that will eventually hang herself. You keep doing what is right for your kids and this will work itself out. She probably look for you to tell her not to go out, not to hang out with her ''friends''. If you are not willing to walk away, you just keep silent and let this run it's course. Now the down side is... she could meet somebody else in the process of her clubbing. She could totally want her freedom from you and the kids. Although, this could happen if you don't say anything else to her about the things she is doing. Just hope for the best and be there for your kids.They really need you right now, since their mommy is out there. Good luck.

Answer 7

I can only speak for myself but....Some people need to do things seperate from family ( I don't know why, I am not one of them). If they can do this with balance and everyone is okay most of the time with it, then that is great. BUT when it starts being selfish and onesided, there is a problem. A marriage should be 2 people working together, just not always together. But if you want things to work, you will have to give some too (just not too much). Good luck!!

Answer 8

Hello,
I think you need to tell her how you feel. I also think that you need to go to counseling. The thing is sometimes, when you are married or in a committed relationship and you surround yourself with people that are not in that same situation it can cause problems down the road. She obviously has been feeling like she needs to get out, and she should be able to but not at the expense of her family. It is going to be up to her to make that decision though. Even though you care about her alot, she is going to have to decide if she wants to be a part of your family again. I really, really wish you the best of luck and I think that you are an awsome dad!!! Good luck and God Bless!!!

Answer 9

Sorry but you can't make her do anything. You are trying to hold on to someone that has changed. You guys were so young when you got together and now she is trying to figure out who she is and what she wants. BUT as a mother, I sure hope she realizes that you can't change your mind about wanting your kids or else they will suffer. You have to be the best dad you can and let her go. It sounds like she is doing her own thing anyway. Don't let her go screw a bunch of guys and take her back... You deserve someone that is on the same page as you!!!

Answer 10

You need to sit down with her and talk. Even if you have to beg her to come to you and sit down to talk ...do it.
What she is going through is natural and I would worry about her if she didnt feel this way.
First, when you talk to her, let her know that what you two have is too important to throw away, and that it is not an option for you two to break up. Tell her that you need her, the kids need her, and that you know she needs all of you too.
Second, let her know that what you two have, is exactly what those 'single' women want, they are just too embarrassed to admit it.
Third, let her know what impact her behavior is having on your marriage and children. She should know that while she is chasing her 'youth', she is still going to have to be a responcible woman. That her family is not disposable, or available at her convenience.
Now the tough part. Tell her you understand that she feels her youth was spent being responcible and that she now needs to let her hair down a bit....but that you dont think it is out-of-line to ask her to schedule these nights out so that you can plan time to be with her. Tell her, you are willing to meet her needs, but she also has to be willing to meet your and the children's needs as well. With proper scheduling you can both benefit from this plan. Then make a schedule that includes her nights out, time for you two to be together, time with the kids, as well as time to do normal household things. This will work if she cares at all about you guys. Buy the calander first, then invite her to sit down and talk. Make some coffee and be calm when you talk.
If you dont take a firm stand with her now....your going to lose her....and whether she knows it or not, she doesnt want that. She is testing you to see if you will man up. So do it.

Answer 11

You should be congratulated for taking the time to seek help here. This is a great place full of people that care.
You do have to let her go completely. Be happy around her. Be supportive. Take on the roll of watching after your kids. Let her know that you don't need her, but at the same time let her know that you prefer her. Focus on your job, your kids, and hobbies/interests. If she sees that you are happy and confident she'll come back. No woman wants a whining, jealos wimp, so don't be that guy. Be happy around her and let her know that you agree with her. She will eventually see how wrong she is and come back to your family. Always remember that she is not responsible for your happiness. That puts too much pressure on her. She can't handle any pressure from you right now. That will push her further away. You must be consistent with this.
Be happy, confident and nice to her and watch her come back!
Again, kudos to you for seeking help. It's good to see guys that want to act like good husbands and fathers.

Good Luck...Get yourself happy.

SM