Could you guys give me tips on this poem that I have written?
Like word choice, form, length, description, and stuff like that?
Thanks.
The city that never sleeps,
The city of lights,
In complete darkness.
The goosebumps still return,
Remembering that night,
In complete darkness.
2007-09-02 04:00:01 · 4 answers · asked by :o) Sunshine 3 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
just for everyone's information i'm going into 9th grade. i am generally horrible at writing poems so i just need times in general. thatwould be great thanks a lot
2007-09-02 05:11:18 · update #1
hmm..
i think theres several things.
1) I think it would be a stronger poem if you changed the cliches a bit. like "the city" to something else.
2) the "in complete darkness lines" seem a bit off in rhythm. I suggest moving it up or down or jsut changing it altogether.
3) the goosebumps line has a lot of potential but its sticking out too much. I think u should add a similar line to even it out.
4) remembering that night feels different, because it is grammatically referring to the goosebumps. I think a line about you in between would make the flow of the poem better.
This is a great short poem overall. A lot of potential. Keep writing.
2007-09-02 05:16:24 · answer #1 · answered by Ymmot 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
re-consider the obvious.literal analogy to New York and 'that night' Which night! I like 'goosebumps still return' but I would want to know more since this city never sleeps. It is as if these swellings do still haunt this perfect body at will, that is if the body is likened to the city of lights. Yet the remembered night is a specific one. Length is fine in my view.
2007-09-02 11:58:28 · answer #2 · answered by ari-pup 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Poetry to me is about feeling. Write what you feel sometimes without thinking about it. To reach deep within oneself is to unleash the unimaginable. Not everyone will understand where you are coming from but there will be that one person who will stop and think about what you have written. There will also be that one person who will know exactly what you mean. Most importantly have fun.
2007-09-02 12:22:35 · answer #3 · answered by Love 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like the first two lines,
you loose me on the fourth line,
but overall i like it.
mabye just use more description and uncommon words.
like on two you could put magnificent in front of lights
or on five you could put fateful in front of night.
just and description and you will do well
2007-09-02 12:26:26 · answer #4 · answered by ponycrazedperson 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋