Why is it so hard to trust your spouse/SO - after they have cheated on you?
2007-09-02 02:56:22 · 17 answers · asked by Cardinal64 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Because trust is a fragile thing that once destroyed... takes a very long time as well as a lot of patience to rebuild. Is it worth it? To spend all that time, fixing yourself to learn how to trust again for that SAME stupid person who hurt you in the first place?
You never know, they might just do it again.
After all... a snake is just a snake and a dog is just a dog. You can't help who you are, but you can change what you put up with.
"If you don't stand for something, you stand for nothing"
2007-09-02 03:01:34 · answer #1 · answered by jennifer 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The betrayal of trust after infidelity comes on so many different levels. First, your spouse is the one you gave your life to, you placed your heart in their hands. They are the last person you expect to hurt you like this. Finding out that the person you choose to trust the most in your life is a severe emotional trauma.
Lies are layers deeply as they cheat. It takes so many different lies to cover up this deceit. The longer the affair goes on, the more lies.
Trust suffers a terrible blow. It will take time to rebuild. The wayward spouse will have to earn that trust by showing they are doing the right thing, by being open and transparent with their communication, activities, time, being very honest. It is a slow process, but it can happen. There may always be an emotional scar, but over time and lots of effort, trust can be rebuilt. The wayward spouse needs to take responsibility for the damage they did and do what is necessary to help the betrayed spouse heal. That may mean giving up some privacy and living under the microscope for awhile. Just saying you will not do this hurtful behavior again will be hard to believe, as that was believed before the betrayal. Now, you need to let them see that you are doing right. Over time, they will believe you again, they will let down that guard used to protect themselves from such horrible pain again.
The emotional damage has been compared to Post traumatic stress syndrome by many therapists.
2007-09-02 06:56:57 · answer #2 · answered by joyh 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all, it's hard to trust because you've been hurt. Your pride, your heart - you feel like you've been had.
You both need to decide if you are going to stay together and try to work things out.
Giving someone a second chance means you are willing to trust them, willing to give the relationship everything you have. You are willing to forgive and move on. No, it won't be easy to forget, and it will be very difficult to trust - But if you promised that person a second chance, then you need to follow through. If you simply cannot do it, you need to let go and move on.
And never listen to people who say once a cheater always a cheater - that's simply not true. I personally know people that cheated once and confessed to their spouse and while it was pretty rocky, their marriages worked out and they are still together. I also personally know people who cheated several times and their spouse took them back over and over until finally they just couldn't deal with the infidelities anymore and filed for divorce. You cannot stereo-type people. It is completely unjust.
Best Wishes
2007-09-02 13:55:27 · answer #3 · answered by Lady Ariana 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is the promise and the trust that they had broken.
It is the fact that you share intiamacy you thought that all the things that you have done together would only be you two. All of your feelings emotions everything. He too had shared all of that with you. In your mind you wer number one in his life along with the children (if you have any).
When you find out that he cheated you feel second. You are angered upset and hurt that he may have shared feelings, emotions, intimacy and sex wtih someone else besides you. That all of that is what made you feel happy and loved, now feels gone.
I have been there honey, the reason why you cannot trust is because he lied. He hurt you. You may even feel as though all that you shared may never be again. That you may never want to open up and show any type of emotions or intimacy with him.
It takes years to get over. Only he can help all of that be overcome. He has to be sorry and he has to help you heal. He should know you are now very hurt and that trust is what allows all the things I said, to happen. He has to win back your trust.
2007-09-02 03:47:23 · answer #4 · answered by giveu2tictacs 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Even if you have forgiven them after they have cheated, you will find yourself questioning if they are doing it again. You will scrutinize their every action. For example, if they come home from work alittle later than normal, you will wonder if they were out with someone else. When somone cheats, it breaks that part of the trust that you had for them. While a relationship can recover from an affair, there are ones that can not. You can find yourself trusting them to have another affair rather than trusting them not to.
2007-09-02 03:30:26 · answer #5 · answered by bluemysti 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Because if they got to the point where they cheated on you, you've already experienced thinking that everything in your relationship was fine, but you were being fooled. It's hard to put trust in someone who was o.k. with putting you in that position. In fact, you would be foolish TO trust them. Good luck with this...infidelity's a tough one. Cause even if you stayed together, you'd always wonder, "Is it happening again and I just don't know it???"
2007-09-02 03:28:45 · answer #6 · answered by betternher 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
because you had faith and trust and you thought they would be truthful and honest and committed and they were not if you are giving 100% and you find out the other is not you feel played and then you put your guards up so that doesnt happen again so then you spend the rest of your time with that person looking for things signs so that it wont happen again so you really never have time to rebuild trust.
2007-09-02 04:44:25 · answer #7 · answered by lisa 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Cause the trust has been broken.....
I don't think I could stay with my wife if she cheated. I'd be physically sick for a start and after that I'd cut off that part of my mind and burn everything that reminds me of her.
Good luck dude or dudette.
2007-09-02 03:08:09 · answer #8 · answered by Put_ya_mitts_up 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Because they broke their promise to always be faithful to you! When you got married, did you all say, "Well, I'll stay with you as long as it's convenient for me" or did you say, "Til death"? This sort of broken vow is impossible to overcome. The cheater has a lot of proving to do and most likely will be unwilling to follow through. Even if you haven't been married, we all expect fidelity and truthfulness from our partners. This person hasn't followed through on that promise. They can't be trusted. They've just proven it.
2007-09-02 02:59:59 · answer #9 · answered by Aiden 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Because they have completely shattered your trust and the foundation of your relationship. They promised vows in front of family and friends and cheating makes you feel humiliated and tricked and you dont expect your SO to make you feel that way. In fact, your SO is supposed to make you feel the opposit.
2007-09-02 11:28:17 · answer #10 · answered by abrennan01 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋