Any suggestions to help me get through?

Question

I thought that I had gotten rid of it: all the hate and pain and anger that destroyed 4 years of my life. But it has slowly been returning for the last year. (I'd realized it a little, but not the severity of it.) I do want to keep hold of the happiness that I should feel blessed for having, but one word or one old picture just kills it all. I honestly don't know why I can't keep it away from me. It was going so well for what seemed like so long.

This random outpouring of sudden truth is brought on by the sudden realization of the problems that used to surround my existance and are seeming to return.

This anger and pain is covering my candle of hope and aspirations of happiness now. But back in the day that darkness had strengthened me; however, it was at a dear price: my humanity. I would push people away because I didn't want them to be sucked into the darkness that surrounded me. I never was a bad person, just someone who wanted and NEEDED to have my space, to escape

reality of life. Maybe that's why I was labeled 'a bully'? But why did that stereotype follow me from elementary and middle school even into college? I don't know. Maybe I had become what everyone else had seen me as... But even though I was someone wanting my space, I wanted something even more. I'd always wanted someone around who would try to understand me, and "Cobra" had been that for me. He'd grown up in the Bronx, and he knew what suffering and hatred really felt like. He could do more than anyone else, since they could only sympathize at the most. He could actually empathize. He'd been able to survive the hell I was then facing, and he pulled me from it. I owe him my life, and he knows it. But now (because of his call), I have realized I have stopped fighting that darkness. Why? I'm not sure. Perhaps it is because I want to rid myself of the feeling of weakness and misunderstanding that appeared.

I know these feelings are just part of me being in college, but it's hard to just accept them and not fight them with the darkness that I know would win over them.
I know that right now I have 2 choices: to fight or to let it take over again. And after what Cobra had to go through to pull me out the first time, I know that the only real choice is to fight and that's what I'm going to do. I will be happy. I will win this battle.








~~~The reason this is here is to ask for any suggestions on how to win...
Thanks...

Answer 1

ALTHOUGH it is often classed as 'mental illness', clinical depression often has as many physical symptoms as mental. The feelings or emotions that are depression symptoms actually begin to cause the physical effects. How this happens is a vital part of understanding depression and the symptoms that come with it.

If you are depressed at the moment some of the following symptoms may sound familiar:


You feel miserable and sad.
You feel exhausted a lot of the time with no energy .
You feel as if even the smallest tasks are sometimes impossible.
You seldom enjoy the things that you used to enjoy-you may be off sex or food or may 'comfort eat' to excess.
You feel very anxious sometimes.

You don't want to see people or are scared to be left alone. Social activity may feel hard or impossible.

You find it difficult to think clearly.

You feel like a failure and/or feel guilty a lot of the time.

You feel a burden to others.

You sometimes feel that life isn't worth living.

You can see no future. There is a loss of hope. You feel all you've ever done is make mistakes and that's all that you ever will do.
You feel irritable or angry more than usual.

You feel you have no confidence.

You spend a lot of time thinking about what has gone wrong, what will go wrong or what is wrong about yourself as a person. You may also feel guilty sometimes about being critical of others (or even thinking critically about them).
You feel that life is unfair.

You have difficulty sleeping or wake up very early in the morning and can't sleep again. You seem to dream all night long and sometimes have disturbing dreams.

You feel that life has/is 'passing you by.'

You may have physical aches and pains which appear to have no physical cause, such as back pain.

It's this wealth of depression symptoms, and the broad scope that confuses many people as to what depression actually is. Explanations rarely cover all the symptoms, and everybody's experience is different.

Answer 2

You need to deal with your anger and learn how to let it go. You may have been labeled a bully because you displaced your anger to those around you instead of the actual source of your anger. The way you are going you are going to wind up alone and that is no good for anyone. How about trying to live by the golden rule, to treat others the way you wish to be treated. Would you want others to push you away by being mean to you?
Get some professional help before you explode and do something you will regret for the rest of your life.

Answer 3

What are you asking of yourself and those reading this request? Take a step back and read what you wrote. Instead of asking for an answer, your plea is an avalanche of sentiment and ambiguities for others to decipher. Sort out what you are seeking from yourself. Then seek the counsel of others. There is no "magic pill".

Answer 4

You should volunteer at an old folks homeor something to build your self esteem back up and see how there are alot of people in the world who would love to see you every day....Volunteering makes you feel good about yourself and makes people happy too. Its very rewarding..plus it takes your mind off of your sorrow.

Answer 5

forgive the person you are angry at