I don't understand what's wrong with me -I know I am intelligent. I am just after reading some great answers on my question - I realise I don't have a clear judgement. If he hit me once, does it mean that I am in the abusive relationship? Or is it a one-off? You see, I could see how he was controlling and passive-agressive, paranoid. But there were times, when he was nice and thoughtful, - it's sooo confusing. He is smart, loves animals, great at DIY, does not drink, etc. It's like whatever nice he does is cancelled out by his next actions. Say, 5 years later he would finally admit that he was not ready for kid while he was feeding me lies that may be next year we should try for a baby. Plus he never really tells the truth about what's on his mind. How can I stop living in denial? Is there a pill? :)
2007-09-01 14:18:58 · 24 answers · asked by Alyssa Macey 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
My mom used to bit me with the belt on my bum, and this is all very freaky to me. I used to think that I am assertive enough to not ever get into this again, but I can't control other people, right?
2007-09-01 14:28:25 · update #1
You may not realize this, but you answered your own question. No you cannot control other people. Just because someone is nice doesn't give them a free ticket to hit/beat. Just because someone does a lot of nice things and has some genuine values, doesn't give them a free ticket to hit. It does not cancel out the bad. "You get what you accept". Stop accepting this from him. You already know what you want to do. Don't stay because he has some kindness in him. Don't stay because you don't want to lose the house. Abuse is what it is. Once is enough. If you stay, then you "accept" what he is doing to you, and therefore may do it again because he will eventually figure out he can control you that way. How can you stop living in denial? Well, there's only one way...."Do something about it". You already know in your heart what you want to do. You just have to muster up the strength and do it. For your sake. For your emotional health, for your physical health, and for the sake of your future. You say in your other question that you fancie another? Well, you have to let go of the past (soon to be past I hope), to have a future. If you don't, then you will never get that chance to be happy again in a healthy relationship, and with someone who loves you, respects you, and makes you basically, "feel" again. Think about it. I hope with these great answers from Yahoo friends, that it will help encourage you to do the right thing. For you that is. Don't worry about him. It's time to take care of 'you'.
I hope this helps. Take care. Be strong.
2007-09-02 01:38:36 · answer #1 · answered by lady_bella 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Intelligence has little to do with putting up with an abuser. If you were raised in an abusive household then you are pre-"trained" to put up with it, and to make excuses for their behavior, and to fool yourself into thinking they are a great guy. I personally believe that any man that hits you once, will hit you again. The controlling behavior is a key tip off that you are living with an abuser. They always try to control you first, emotionally beat you down, so that when they do finally hit you, you'll be conditioned to put up with it.
Do yourself a favor, call a domestic violence hot line, or go to a local center for abused women. They can get you some counseling that will help you to see what you're going through is not normal, not right, and shouldn't be tolerated.
2007-09-01 21:46:10 · answer #2 · answered by DK Julie 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You don't need meds, you need to face reality. He's a generally good guy, but he has problems with controlling behavior, honesty and now anger.
From what you describe, he will likely hit you again and you are in denial.
You can leave this man and find another intelligent, handy, kind guy who will be honest and not hit you!
After readin your other posting, I have to ask... Why can't you leave him? You have a job, right? You have a car? You have rights to a portion of the value of the home. So, pack up and leave. Get a lawyer. Start a new and better life with a real man!
2007-09-01 21:27:28 · answer #3 · answered by Melanie J 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You can't control other people is correct you can't.. But you can control your life and what is happening, if you were abused before even by your mom, then you should be fully experience in how is like to be abused. He hit you once he is going to continue he may do it bit by bit a push here a slap there but what ever it may be is going to get worst and you know it, why? do you even consider having a baby with him it just beyond me.. You say your intelligent? then show it and get out while you can, get out with out even thinking it twice, this is your life we are talking about, your question is as confuse as you are, we can tell by the way your writing that this is really bothering you, and you know deep inside that this man is bad and this relationship is going to be worst, you know this so why? ask your self why? do you continue to want to be with him.. Denial? you can call it that if this makes you feel better, I think unrealistic is what you are, you refuse to see what is real this man may never tell you what is on his mind but he sure as hell is going to give you what is on his mind, if you stay you will find out the hard way..Get out is my advise... ABUSE IS NEVER OK... Good luck.
2007-09-01 21:39:20 · answer #4 · answered by boricua_2290 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yep, it sounds like you're in denial. The cycle of abuse is confusing because it is an on-again-off again emotional rollercoaster. It's confusing because the guy can be a nice guy at times. But that is short lived, as you already know. Your best course of action is to try to pull yourself out of this unhealthy relationship. There's lying, controlling, emotional difficulties. This relationship will not work out so get out now while you can.
2007-09-02 00:44:19 · answer #5 · answered by Sondra 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It may only be one hit now, but what about the next time and the time after that? People who are abusive are nice and have other great qualities. The fact that your mom used to hit you with a belt does not help either. Because she was your mom and she loved you, you associated love with the hitting and that is what is happening now. He says he loves you and he hits you and because of your past you think that he does love you. The fact is how can you hit someone that you love?
2007-09-01 21:38:00 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You need to get out of the relationship you're are in. Yes, it's an abusive one. He's controlling and insecure and the only way he can "control" things with you is with violence. One can be very nice, passiontate about things, funny and attractive, but if the person is abusive, the rest doesn't matter. You are in denial, and there isn't medication that will fix this.
2007-09-01 21:34:53 · answer #7 · answered by suzlaa1971 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The pill is called chill! You need help! Seek counseling! Go to the site and tell me what you feel after reading it- Get some help girl!
"Let Me Be"
My heart taken freely as the love was squeezed out of it
All the flavor is gone there is nothing left not a bit
My mind nearly destroyed as any independent thought I had was negated
My body abused- no longer is there found pleasure- once loved now hated
My soul what is left of it is freely given back to God
I’d rather risk being as though I never was rather than continue this facade
Existence in a body abused without pleasure,
A mind without independent thought, how can one measure?
A heart without love, or life without breath
A soul broken and bruised is worse than death
Let me go -be happy
Or if per chance during this thing
Some pleasure is found in my suffering
Just let me be
This misery can not be my destiny
Let me go and be happy without you
Death can be sweet sometimes when colors are always blue
When life with someone is become so harsh and so bitter
I have given up trying to love even though I know I am no quitter
If continuing in this is proven to be my destiny
Then let me not continue to breathe just let me be
Let it not be too long
That I endure this life’s sad song
Let me go and be happy
This can not be my destiny
Let me go -be happy
Or if per chance during this thing
Some pleasure is found in my suffering
Just let me be
This misery can not be my destiny
Leave me alone and just let me be
Copyright© 2006, by Arene
2007-09-01 21:28:59 · answer #8 · answered by Arene 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Consider how difficult it is to change yourself and u will see what little chance you have of changing anybody else!
YES! You are living in denial. You are an enabler!. You enable him to do whatever he wants because you are too chicken sh_t to make a move. You kick and scream and complain, but at the end of the day he wins because you are still there. You deserve your misery and only when enough is enough will you be able to find happiness. The road to hell is paved with good intentions and since he is so loving with animals you dont notice hes driving you straight to hell. Youre too busy admiring him play with the animals when the only thing hes really playing with is your life. Enjoy your trip! No one can help you.
Your life reminds me of a story of a man whose truck got stuck in the mud. He prayed and prayed to God to help him get out of the mud. Finally God sent him an answer. He told him God helps those who help themselves.
Its time to help youself baby!
2007-09-04 03:13:05 · answer #9 · answered by Vegas Mike 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He sounds controlling and manipulative, which is bad news especially when he's hit you. I think you are in an abusive relationship and you should get a divorce as soon as you can. Paranoid men who hit their wives/girlfriends are BAD news and the situation only gets worse over time.
2007-09-02 05:16:28 · answer #10 · answered by abrennan01 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋