this is not directly outta the blue, but we recently had a baby, 17mos old. ever since then her attitude towards sex is like "blah". and the thing is, she lost all her babyfat and now her features have improved (all 3, a**, breast and "tunnel of luv") and bodys even sexier than ever but now it seems that the things that used to turn her on, do nothing for her. i mean she literally passed her libido with her placenta or something. she gets more annoyed than turned on during 4play and basically ends up having apathetic sympathy sex. we dont even kiss anymore. i mean we kiss, but we dont "kiss". to be honest, i believe she wants out of marriage for some reason but she wont admit it when i ask, but she wont try to change either. i love her and i know that our marriage isnt based on sex but when shes unhappy and unwilling to accept help then it makes one start to wonder whether sep/div the best thing for both of us. """"LADIES"""" any recommended actions i could take to appeal to her again
2007-09-01 01:11:39 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
to clarify some of the situation...of course as a husband and father i am taking care of my fair share of the house hold. i am a security guard who works the grave and unfortunately not able to assist in the nightly care of the baby but my off time is OUR time point blank period. we went from a duo to a trio. i am a family oriented man and i was raised to make my woman happy, which i thought she was. trust me on this...im doin everything i can as a husband and father to support the situation. but i do agree with the post partum and maybe the 3 of us are hanging out a little too much when it should just be us two. but its just that i work the night shift and sleep during the day and miss a lot of stuff in my babys life and i dont want that so it always ends up a family event. becuz now that i think about it, we havent really had much hus and wife time. more like just mom and dad time
2007-09-01 02:04:39 · update #1
There is a lot going on here. She's probably worn out taking care of the baby and that affects her interest in sex. Make sure you pay attention to your personal hygiene and keeping physically fit. Provide some help around the house and with the child (even if you have to hire some) and give her some free time just for herself. She may feel overwhelmed by the baby's needs and when you initiate foreplay, it's just one more demand on her overloaded system.
Be nurturing towards her, attentive and encouraging. I'm betting that she will be more interested when her needs are being met.
2007-09-01 01:54:32 · answer #1 · answered by Ginger/Virginia 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have to admit I do not have the best libido. I think you should just start to kiss her intimately without leading to anything as sometimes I know that the kiss will lead to more and if you are not in the mood you dont even enjoy the kiss.
I know this will be hard for you but as you love her you will give it a go.
Also just make her feel special, tell her you love her, pick her a flower from the garden, make dinner and help around the house, let her have an after noon snooze on the weekend while you take out the baby so she justs some rest and if all of that does not work then I dont know what else to offer.
2007-09-01 08:43:16 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like a major case of post partum depression. Some women get it after the first child, sometimes it doesn't hit until the 2nd or 3rd. Usually it just takes time. Time you have already waited, I see (17 months). In this case she needs professional help. Start with a quality OB-GYN. She might even need counseling to determine the source of her "shut down".
Ignore the idiots who call you a jerk. Nothing you describe indicates unreasonable demands on your part. One thing you might want to do is talk to your wife about your intimacy issues in a non-sexual situation, like during some time outside of the home, perhaps during a drive. Tell her you don't want pity sex, you want to "Make love" like you two used to share before the baby. I think she still loves you because she does at least permit you to satisfy your desires. but she needs to know that you feel it is more than just biological urges, you need to connect with her emotionally. And that is not happening right now.
2007-09-01 08:25:28 · answer #3 · answered by morgan j 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Unfortunately, when a woman has a baby she sometimes loses, temporarily, her libido. Not to mention she is a "mom" now, her life is no longer care-free, and has someone else to be responsible for. Do you share in the midnight and 2am feedings? Do some housework for her? What about making a romantic surprise dinner for her one night? Give her time and be patient, she's losing sleep, worries more about the future now, and her hormones are probably still adjusting themselves. Pregnancy and childbirth are very traumatic to the body and it takes time for it to heal. Instead of feeling left in the dust, try doing something nice, romantic and fun for her, surprise her. Like, get a sitter for the night and take her out for a night on the town. Make her feel special, that she's still beautiful and desired, but for more than her body, some women get "funny" about themselves physically after childbirth. Hang in there, and try prayer, it really does work.
2007-09-01 08:22:31 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I went through something similar but not due to pregnancy. Right about 29-33 years old my sex drive just died. My poor darling man was confused and lonley too. I couldn't explain it but I can tell you it had nothing to do with him and I loved him just as much. I felt horrible I'd been told to expect my sexual peak and instead I felt dead inside and I felt guilty for him as well. It was hormones and stress combined. I am sure for your wife it is a physical disruption in her hormones or stress load. It is not permanent and it is probably not an indication of not loving you. Welcome to a relationship this is the hard part but patience always prevails. Some of that couple time without baby couldn't hurt either.
2007-09-01 09:16:11 · answer #5 · answered by Wolfen 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Im a mum myself and I can relate to the not-wanting-sex kinda attitude but I dont understand her not wanting to kiss and cuddle up.....I needed this MORE than ever.....so for now have patience but start communicating to her better if the baby is asleep and she has more time.I f she didnt tell you straight she wants out then she doesnt want it but ofcourse her hormones are still a bit off and just the big impact after having a baby is very huge and it doesnt have a time-limit like after 17 months your wife is back to who she was before because she has changed but you too,right.Let the sex thing out for some more but try with simple gentle gestures and touches to reach out and be there for her without wanting anything in return for now
2007-09-01 08:23:42 · answer #6 · answered by ajal 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Having a new baby is draining both physically and emotionally. Are you helping her out with taking care of the baby. Allow her to have time to get away for a day at the salon or shopping with her friends. Get a sitter and take her out for a evening of romantic old style dating. Her sex drive may have dropped so she may need some help from her doctor. She might have some post partum depressing lingering. She might look better than ever to you ,but to herself she may not look attractive. Be her friend and confidant and get her to discuss her deep feelings with you. Fix them as soon as possible so your new family life will be improved.
2007-09-01 08:19:21 · answer #7 · answered by justclicktherubyslippers 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Is she mad, resentful, hurt, or lacking in attention? Is she tired, stressed, depressed or unhappy? Find out what she needs from you, from herself and from her life to get excited about life, the marriage, and sex again. She is unhappy and that is the problem. Find out what she needs and then sex will follow. Are you a good dad? Is she getting any time to be a person and have some fun? Does she feel important and like your top priority? Are the chores and responsibilities equally split so she isn't a walking, tired, wrung-out zombie? Is she living her dream? Does she get to do something just for her like art, music, yoga, scuba, or whatever it is that sparks her?
You two can figure this out and fix it.. It is far more than about sex. Find out what is missing and work to help her get it. Find out what needs are not being met. Get a team partnership back and help her get excited about her life again.
Happiness is a choice. If you are pissing her off, you will never get laid good again. Are you her best friend or a selfish jerk? I can't tell from what you wrote. Women need to feel intimacy, closeness and happy to feel like having sex. Are you two getting out and having any kind of fun? Find a sitter and get your wife some fun and relaxation. She sounds stressed and unhappy.
Wish I had a quick fix for you. Good luck.. Don't cheat. Be honest. Work this out.
2007-09-01 08:22:47 · answer #8 · answered by whereRyou? 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Lose a little interst in it yourself for a bit. Theres no real answer with out her in-put. Its prolly hormone related. So you may have too wait till they change.
My wife went the other way. She wanted sex like she was crazy for 2 yrs after our child. 3,4-5 times a day 7 days a wk.. she'd get me up way early for work for sex.
But one of my brother's wife did like yours is doing. though took her 2-3 yrs to sorta change back. he still says she isn't the same.
i have 5 brothers
another his wife only cared to be inersted a few times a mth. He tried the old lose interst in her thing wasn't long after he started going fishing more and other things with his friends that she started being more intersted.
Constant talking about it will not help, it'll do the oppisite.
2007-09-01 08:32:22 · answer #9 · answered by ball 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't think it is you she is not finding appealing. But the lack of sleep, the changes in her body, etc. Plus hormones. She could speak with her doctor and he can ensure she is not having a hormonal imbalance. Also spend sometime dating her, get a baby sitter and take her on a date. Be sure to tell her how sexy she appears to you... Women often times (unfortunately) have a very distorted body image....Also make sure she has proper birth control, this is a huge concern for many women.... Good luck and God bless****
2007-09-01 08:17:45 · answer #10 · answered by ? 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋