MEN - please help explain...Husband's a cheating... uh... jerk?

Question

I opened my husband's email last Sat. (never felt the need before but had a gut feeling) & found confirmations for 2 different websites. Logged into the sites, 1 is a dating site & he filled out 3 pages worth of questions. Listed himself as divorced, no kids (neither is true). The other is a vile sex hook-up site & he indicated that he's interested in "group sex" and "sexual relations." We've been having problems but he always tells me how much he loves me, how he'd never hurt me, how I'm his best friend & the best thing that ever happened to him. He denied the profiles at 1st but couldn't when I told him I was looking at his picture on the screen. He now says he wanted me to find it (also admits he knew how much it would hurt me) because he was desperate for us to go to counseling. But he was hiding it and removing the visits from the history as well as doing this at work. He insists he wasn't "looking" for something & didn't cheat. How can he say he wasn't looking?

He was begging for forgiveness for the first few days and was calling and texting me constantly but was a jerk on the phone just now and we argued terribly for 2 hours. (he's Navy and had to leave the very next morning after I found all this for a 2 week trip. He'll be home next weekend) He admits what he did is horrible but then he was so terrible on the phone just now - I mean TERRIBLE. He swears he'll never stop trying to fix what he did but then he acts like that. He also swears that he didn't do anything physically but I feel that it would only have been a formailty at this point. Group Sex? Humiliating and frankly, it disgusts me. I've given up so much to follow this man and his career all over the country, including my upport system (we moved here from 3,000 miles away only 6 months ago) and a great paying job I loved. (I can't be on call at the hospital when he's off traveling all the time, what would we do with the kids? No family nearby to help either.) I'm furious.

He insists that he didn't contact anyone through either site and uses the fact that he didn't pay for memberships as proof but also admits that there might still be "1 or 2" profiles still out there on other sites but he "can't remember."

I guess my main question is how can a married man put a detailed profile on a dating site AND a sex hook-up site and then argue that he was trying "to save the marriage" and "wasn't looking for anything." (meaning that he didn't really intend to cheat physically) He entered the correct zip code and looked at at least 9 profiles on the dating site (it saves them to a special page when you click on them) and saved one. All were in our city or the next one over.

Answer 1

Studies of infidelity overwhelmingly show that men do not consider themselves to be unfaithful unless they have had physical penetration of another woman, where women consider unfaithfulness (even in themselves) on a much less concrete basis than that.

Women see dating, or online sex, as infidelity, and men generally do not. In his mind he may not have been intending to follow through with these contacts to physical penetration, therefore he was not 'looking' for something...

He may genuinely see his deletion of his tracks as cleaning up after masturbating, rather than concealment of infidelity... It is one of those things everybody does, but almost everybody also considers a mostly private act.

Studies of infidelity also show that a lot of relationships started on the internet actually do end in physical contact, and damage to the primary relationship. It is difficult for a man to distinguish between using other people on the internet as a harmless form of fantasy, and emotional infidelity.

Sounds like you ought to take up the offer of counseling, and make sure he hears this difference in perception clearly from you :)

Answer 2

Re: I guess my main question is how can a married man put a detailed profile on a dating site AND a sex hook-up site and then argue that he was trying "to save the marriage" and "wasn't looking for anything."
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He can't argue that point. He was wrong and messed up and unless he makes the adult decision to just step up and say -- I royally screwed up and I accept complete responsibility for my actions -- You should be concerned.

The positive side is that he didn't have the opportunity to act on anything before you found out. He did what he did, but things could change. If this is a first -- consider forgiveness and decide if it is worth it for you try again. Forgiving doesn't mean you will immediately forget and he should know that. Counseling will help you both get through it. But only time will tell if this experience made a difference in his decision making regarding the value of your relationship. Good luck to you.

Answer 3

When you go on this type of site you are looking for something, and even though he says he hasn't done anything physical , it is a matter of time. If he is treating you this way on the phone, he is quilty and trying to cover it up. You have two choices, #1 stay and set up counciling, hoping something could be saved, #2 move back to where your family is, so you will have help with the kids when you work. This is not going to be an easy decision to make. It is a terrible feeling when you find out the one you love doesn't respect you and love you in the same way you do them. Your faith in him will never be the same, there will always be doubt, that he is being faithful, and most important truthful.

Answer 4

Of course he was looking, and I bet he was excited about it too.

But there is no proof that he actually contacted anybody, or worse, went out with anybody, is it?

As far as you know, the only real bad thing he did was lying to you about it.

I am not defending him, but I want to put things clear over the table.

If he is doing all that, it means he is not happy with you. More likely is going to be a sexual problem because most guys look for other girls to cheat with only when they are sexually frustrated.

So that means that you also have a key part on this problem, and worse, you have responsibility on what is happening.

You both are guilty, one way or another. You both now have to sit down, have a serious and honest adult talk, and figure out what is wrong in your matrimony. You know, people understand each other when they talk. Don’t assume anything. Good communication is key to a healthy and long lasting relation, but obviously is missing in yours.

We all make mistakes and I hate to see how girls always recommend other girls to dump him from the moment he is even looking at other girls. Please give me a break. If he is cheating, then there must be a reason, and it all can be fixed if both parties understand the problems and are willing to work it out and sacrifice for each other. That is real love.

Marriage counseling just do that, let the couple talk and reveal the problems to each other. If you both want to go there, go ahead, or if you want to try first by yourselves, then do that. Is your call.

Remember, sacrifices must be made. It seems you have taken many already, and of course you are mad because it seems he doesn’t appreciate it. but you need to hear what he has to say about it too. I’m not going on his side, but you need to find out before you really get mad. And he also needs to understand what you are going through, and understand your expectations for your matrimony.

Good luck.

Answer 5

He is a liar. He was most certainly looking. You caught him, backed him into a corner, and fudging the truth was his best possible option without him looking like a total douchebag.

I suppose I have to say go to a marriage therapist & counseling and what not.... especially if you have kids. But i would be livid if I were you.

I don't envy your situation. I hope everything works out for the best... but if you don't plan on leaving him: beware. Make sure he doesn't walk all over you. You don't want him thinking he can get away with this type of behavior. I may be speaking negatively from experience, but if he'll do this kind of thing once, he will do it again.

Answer 6

Tell him that he'd better put up or shut up. That is, go to the marriage counseling now and go regularly until you trust him again. If he's not willing to do that, then you have nothing to work with in the marriage - his problem is that he lies. The sex part is disturbing, yes, but it's worse that someone will lie and lie and lie. So that should be the area you talk about in counseling with him. He won't like that. He will have to admit things in front of a therapist that won't make him look like a good, honest, sincere guy. But if he does commit to going to counseling, then at least you have a shot at saving the marriage.

Answer 7

I am sorry but I will be honest with you... you may not like what I have to say....

He is lying! He is caught so now he is trying to cover up his actions with excuses.

1- If he was just looking, he would have not filled out a form. I am single and I have looked but never filled out a form. So him being married has less of a reason to fill that out. He might have been looking out of curiosity. But there would be no reason to fill any forms out.
2- When caught he lied. Not until you had hard evidence that he could not dismiss did he confess. If he wanted you to find out, he would have left everything is a way where you would easily bump into the information without having to search for it. Also, he would have not denied it.
3- if he wanted you to go to counseling, why torture you? Why take action to hurt you instead of just asking you to go to counseling? If he wants to save the relationship then it means he cares. If he cares, why hurt you?

i can't tell you if you should give him another chance or not. That is up to you. but if you do, i suggest you do go to counseling and see if he is willing to go. if he starts making excuses and refuses to go, then i am sorry but he wants out of the relationship. but i will give you this word of advice... men are more likely cheat when they feel that they have nothing to loose. while at counseling make sure you let him know this is his one and only chance. you will not go through this again. if he cheats or as much as thinks about cheating, you will leave and not look back. a man who really values his family will not take that risk. that doesn't mean he wont but it will make him think twice. but counseling could reveal what he felt he was missing and maybe that can be addressed and the relationship salvaged. good luck.

Answer 8

i encourage you to go to counseling too.

but....your husband was definitely looking. it is what it is. and i believe that he was being very dishonest. he was doing it behind your back, and that breaks your trust. that is a big deal. he'd never hurt you? he just did. i'm really glad you found the emails. but doesn't it make you wonder about what else you don't know just because you haven't found out?

i was suspicious about my husband for a long time. my suspicions were "right on" every single time. after he left our marriage i found out that my gut feeling was right every time. in my case, the evidence was in a cell phone bill that he thought i'd never see.

so....don't let him pretend that he hoped you'd find those emails. he's wishing you didn't, and he's trying to explain himself. and don't second guess yourself. don't let him try to make you feel like you're crazy for thinking what he did was wrong. don't let him turn it around on you.

i hope that through conversations with him and counseling and HONESTY, you two can work it out. do not get into ugly conversations with him. if he gets ugly on the phone, simply tell him that you'll talk later when he is ready to talk to you in a respectful way.

you need to just stay true and be honest. hopefully he will be too.

Answer 9

I hate to tell you this, but he's lying. He IS looking. He is just trying to cover his a** because he got caught. Sometimes men will do this if they are in their 30's or 40's because they want to feel that they are still attractive to the opposite sex. They want to see how many women will email them. They may have no intention of answering, that is until some hot young thing emails them. Then they start taking chances that will eventually get them coaught in a lie. You have to give him an ultimatum. He removes his profile from these sites (in your presence) or you are through with him!!! Be strong!

Answer 10

He's a normal man and military to boot. Temptation is a wicked force that is always knocking at the door. He probably loves and cares for you alot...like he says. Hey, It's WAY to easy to get into all this junk nowadays. A couple of clicks and you can see any genetailial you wish. There's no easy answer cause the internet and all the slease is never going away. Some people just have different ways of dealing with the temptation. Mens role or natural instinct from the beginning of time has been hunter/gatherer. We don't have to do that anymore...only purchase stuff from the store. We have all this stuff inside us with no way to get it out. Modern life has screwed alot of men up and some never recover. Time and age will cure some of it...other than that we all fight off temptation in one way or another. You have probably struggled with temptation yourself and perhaps handled it different than him. Hang in there and don't join the crowd of women that run men down...we all need each other. If it gets too much too handle, just get a real good kiss or two from another man and you'll see what the struggle is about.

Sixties