What would you do???

Question

So I'll try to sum everything up in 1000 characters. I've been with my husband for 5 years. We got together when I was pregnant with #1 (not his). We had #2, got married. Had #3, and now I'm preg. w/ #4. He is out of the house from 7am till 10pm. We have our own little contractor business, so I stay at home with the kids, answer phone calls, do all paperwork, etc...He only does the physical labor. Then he comes home, eats and passes out. But not after waking the kids up to give them candy he bought them on the way home. So every night, I have 3 hyper kids at 11pm...and he's sleeping through it all. The kids usually pass back out around 12am, and I'm free to take my shower. Last night, He woke up at 1am as I'm getting into bed and told me that I had to go and find all of this paperwork he needed for today (we're moving, so everything is in boxes). I get done at 3am and am really tired and angry with him. Then he asks for sex. I say no, and he starts saying things.

The things he said made me cry for 2 hrs straight. Things like...If you're so miserable here, why don't you get your things and go. The kids and I would be better off without you...etc... I hate it. He calls me lazy, and says that I act like I'm 13 instead of 24. I love him, in spite of all the things he says when I won't give him sex, but come on. It hurts really bad, and makes me wonder if I'm a good mom. My house is always messy, and He never helps with the kids. The day I got home from the hospital after my 3rd c-section, I had to clean the house, do the dishes and laundry. There was food, plates, toys, dirt, etc...everywhere. I wish he would help out, but after 5 years of this, I don't think he ever will. The kids are at home with me all day long, cause I can't afford $450/week for daycare. I'm stressed irritable, and I snap really easily, and now we're staying with my OCD neat freak SIL till our house is ready. Would you leave?Am I a bad mom? I think so.

For those of you who don't know what I mean by paperwork. I find the work for him, set his appointments, deal with the customers coming to our front door asking where he's been, and why he's not answering his phone (I don't know where he is...he never sticks to a schedule). I have to find the parts he needs, order them, wait for the shipment. Find a new supplier cause the other shipping takes too long. Design the fences he's going to build, they didn't like that one, do another, and another. All while running errands with 3 kids, doc. appointments, for them and me, and still having to get the house spotless, cook homemade meals (he won't eat anything but). He controls the money. I only get enough to just cover what I need to get. Yesterday he gave me $20 to get Pampers diapers and food for 3 meals today. He never answers his phone during the day, oops the battery is dead, oops I forgot to take it out of the truck, etc...

Answer 1

Hey Scorpio,
Let's get the easy questions out of the way. First of all, you're not a bad mom or a bad wife. You're simply spread too thin. Nobody needs to work 15 hr. days all the time. (I'm a contractor too). You should sit him down and tell him you need him to pitch in and help more with the children and the house work. Give him the option of hiring someone to do the phone work and the paper work. If talking to him doesn't work, quit doing his laundry and cooking his meals. If you don't feel like sleeping with him, don't. As long as the verbal abuse doesn't get unbearable just let it go in one ear and out the other. If it's too much, tell him to leave. Your primary goal should be to do what ever you have to to regain control of the house and try to even make yourself happy. If he won't help, do it yourself and use whatever means you have to.
Take the next step and tell him you would like a date night and flowers once in a while. He's got time, tell him to quit BSing with the guys and COME HOME.
Good luck
SM ( I used to be that guy...I Iearned the hard way that I needed to change...d-i-v-o-r-c-e)

Answer 2

Don't even think of doubting yourself!!! You must be a really great mom for taking care of three small children and running business while being pregnant with the fourth. I admire you for all of that.

Now for the husband. Sorry to say that but you married a loser. Maybe he wasn't like that when you got married but obviously he became one because a nice decent guy would never say things like that.

I am just curious. Did you know that the first child wasn't his, although it doesn't matter in this case.

First of all, after the fourth kid comes along, try not to become pregnant again, promise? You cannot have so many kids on your own. Second of all, he uses you like a slave. He should have no right to wake you up at 3am without feeling any guilt over it and make you look for something that he needs. So over all, you need to see a marriage counselor to try to work things out for the kids. If not, then you might need to get separated and keep the kids.

Oh, why would you say that "I can't afford a daycare "? Shouldn't be you together? Does your husband deprive you and your kids from money?

Answer 3

I would divorce him.
This borders on abuse. You work full time caring for your kids plus you hold down a job that directly benefits him.
He is playing mind games with you to make you feel worthless so he can be in control.
You ARE a good Mom. Do not let him ever say otherwise. Keeping a house clean with 3 kids, a home business and a baby on the way? Impossible.
Please realize that you deserve better than this. You deserve to be treated with respect. You should move out and liv with a trusted relative or friend. Find a new job. You certainly sound qualified.
I wish you the best

Answer 4

You are not a bad mom. You take care of your kids and that biggest kid...your husband.
I think he has been influenced by outside forces. I'm talking friends and family. He is a big baby and should realize that without you his business would fall apart. I would tell him to stop pouting about not getting his nookie and take some of that left over energy and help you with the kids. I realize that he works long hours, but you are working even longer hours. Tell him the next time that he gives the kids candy after bedtime, he will be up to take care of them until they fall asleep. As for his anal retentive sister, don't let him compare the two of you. If you can join some groups and take the kids with you, do it. Even if it is only to the park for a few hours or the library for story time. If you are always at his beck and call he will treat you like the scullery maid and his bed wench. Make a stand and don't falter. I hope he is just saying these nasty, mean things because he was rejected with the sex thing.
You are a vital part of that business, he could not run it by himself. I think you should remind him of that the next time he acts like a MEAT-HEAD.
Peace

Answer 5

Your not a bad mom, just tired and stressed. Both of you are. He said things because he got blue balls and yes because he hasn't gotten any. The two of you need to relax and make some time for eachother. This kind of stress does hurt relationships. You need to get somebody to help you since your pregnant and have children around the house. All you need is some time off, hire some teen to help you do work around the house, he also needs to take some time out to spend with you. If he didn't have you everything would be gone! You take care of the kids, help him, and still make dinner for him.

Answer 6

You need to take birth control. YOU have created this nighmare for yourself by insisting on having too many children when you knew that you also had to work. I mean this child bearing stuff didn't just happen overnight and you do know how much stress children are and YOU do know how much time it takes you to answer the phones, right? Since you've chosen a to be a baby making machine, you should suggest that your husband hire out some office help to do the books so that you can devote your days to raising the children. That is if he can afford it. Personally, if you can't afford $450/week for child care, you shouldn't continue to produce more children. You need to accept some responsibility here for the way things have turned out.

Answer 7

You say your staying with your COD what ever that means and he/she is a neat freak.You said your house is messy but then you make fun of someone because they like a clean uncluttered house.No one said you had to have all those kids you chose that yourself and about the paper work you do, don't do it your husband will find someone to do the paper work.You make it sound like you don't have a say in what goes on in your own house.Everything you have said you are letting it happen ,sure you might not like it, but you do what ever he ask you to do other then the sex.Stop complaining and tell your husband your not his secretory.Your husband does not respect you and in his eyes your weak and whiny that's why he can talk to you the way he does.Get a back bone and tell him things are going to change around here,if you don't your husband will find someone he finds exciting instead of boring.I'm not saying this to hurt your feelings just the opposite do something before your husband get fed up with you and starts having an affair with someone. I can't believe you actually let your husband come home and wake your kids up just to give them candy are you out of your mind or are you that afraid of your husband please tell me because i just don't get it. Your house is out of control and you being the mother wife better start running a tighter ship before it sinks. You need a reality check and your husband needs a good kick in his a s s .

Answer 8

Your stress level has got to be to reaching orbit! No woman who has 3 children, one on the way, works from home managing the home based biz and spends as much time with children would come close to being a a lazy person.
Maybe you should tell your husband that if he insists on keeping you in a motherly way, that he should try doing what you are faced with on a daily level. Then maybe he will understand what it is that you are faced with on a daily basis. As far as giving the candy to the children late at night... Bad idea. Why not save it for them until the next day? And by all means don't let what somebody else has to say to you, make you believe that you are in any way a bad person.

Answer 9

I just wanted to say your not a bad mom or wife or bookkeeper. What you need to do is take a moment and decide what you want to do. Do you want to stay in the position your in or so you want to be somewhere else.
first, since you handle the paper work (invoices and such) you should know what the finances of the house are . Knowing this, you should see into hiring an older woman in need of additional funds to help you with the kids two-three days a week. Check references and do a criminal background check, but getting the kids out of the house for a couple hours to McDonald's or a park would let you work on the house and other things for you.
second, ask your husband to not bring the kids candy so late. It is bad for them and for you. It will undermine your authority with them if you put them to bed and two hours later daddy wakes them up. This will also lead to problems when they start school.
If after you do these things, since you do his schedule, surprise him between jobs with just some you and him time. It is difficult when they say things to us when we are vulnerable, but they are not the smartest of creatures and tend to be selfish.
if none of this works or helps, after child #4 is born tie your tubes, write up a resume, and shop around for a job where you will get paid and don't have to deal sex request at 1 O'clock in the morning.

Answer 10

It sounds like he needs to make a choice. Either 1) someone needs to be hired to handle the business office duties so you can focus on the house and the children or 2) a nanny/maid needs to be hired to look after the house and kids while you manage the business office.

I would try to steer things towards option 2 if at all possible.