The two favourite poems I've written, let me know what you think?

Question

These two are my favourites of all time! I wrote them after one dream I had that actually came true (hence the psychicy questions I keep asking in other areas of Answers)


"Last Chance"

I had a dream
Of dancing skeletons and fire,
Death and destruction,
The creaking of iron.
Metal joints for elbows and knees;
Jerking movements of the undead.
It's your last chance -
Flames are spreading;
Children crying,
People running
Through the fairground
As it burns.


"Skeleton Dance"

Clutching each other in a bony grip
They circle the room in a continuous sweep;
Feet never touching down.
They have never known another waltz,
Never heard another tune
Than the haunting chimes which echo
Round the ballroom music-box.
By flick of a switch they are frozen in time,
Their gowns now ashes,
Their bones now dust.
But the dancers exist
Somewhere within nothingness;
Sweeping dead air at disbelievers
As they dance through their long-forgotten time.

Answer 1

The second one

Answer 2

First poem: I'd put the semi-colon after "chance"; flames are...children..people...etc. are a list of what's happening and therefore a parallel sentence. Also, it's "fairgrounds".

Second poem: First line should read "Clutching each other in bony grips" or "with bony grips"...if you want to use the singular form, change the line to read, "Each clutching the other in a bony grip"; changing the word order reduces the plural to a singular form. Next, I'd consider changing "than the" with "just the" in "...haunting chimes...". Another word choice for "exist" might be "continue", as in "but the dancers continue", as it presents an image that transcends the material versus something that has always been. Finally, the last sentence...consider "as they dance to their long forgotten tune" Although the current line is okay, there is an unfinished quality to the line as it ends with "long-forgotten time".

Good poems.

Answer 3

There are some very strong images here. I can actually see the scenes in my mind when I read these. The rhythm is good, which is important whether the poems rhyme or not. I actually prefer the second poem, because beyond all the death and decay there was once a grand ball or celebration taking place. I like poetry with stong images, whether or not they rhyme. So keep writing them!

Answer 4

Well if you put the two together you would have a good start for a horror movie, very imaginative expression, and description, as a poem it needs more structure. Some rhythm and rhyme, a beat to go with the dance your are creating.

Answer 5

And now you can add being able to write excellent poetry to the love of quilting and your interest in spiritual matters. You are also making great headway in accepting the fact that you are special and unique and valuable and wonderful, just the way you are. I congratulate you for the progress you have been making over the last six months! - Chris.

Answer 6

I think the writing is fine but you need some form of plot line in the first place or it seems a little esoteric.

Answer 7

Read Samuel Taylor Coleridge's "Kublai Khan" if you want to see a poem about a dream.

Answer 8

there both good but i like the second one the most it has more detailed meaning in it ... by the way your really good at writing poems you should enter some competitions. i entered a Dorothea Mackellar poetry competiton you should try aaswell here's the site ..

http://www.dorothea.com.au/index.cfm?page_id=1003

Answer 9

I write poetry too, a few of which have been published. My poetry is very different from yours, and although your style of writing is not to my taste, you definitely have talent. Keep going, because you're good.

Answer 10

sceleton dance is great. i guess some ppl never stop dancing in a tune form a long forgotten time; even when they die , in our minds are still dancing the same old tune.